Legal Alien

The Ministry

2011-04-18T12:24:00.003-04:00

So, if you go into the Ministry of Paranormal Research & Defence building and, upon entering through the front door, turn left and, just next to the potted plants, you'll see a gift shop. It has everything you'll ever need to proclaim where you stand in the war between humans and vampires.

You can get Jack's shirt from PAGAN, Marie's shirt from CRUSADER, and even a bear.

Actually, this could just be a tremendously self-indulgent act. See, I collect shot glasses and it recently occurred to me that, having bought the Hunter shot glass, I could change the design... over and over... and just keep making MPRD shot glasses for my own collection.

Finally!

2011-03-16T17:25:00.002-04:00

Okay, so Crusader is finally out. Huzzah! And so on and so forth.

On CreateSpace, on Amazon.com (Kindle and print) and Amazon.co.uk (only on Kindle as yet).

Oh, but no time to rest on my laurels. Renegade is a-calling.

Canadian Pagan!

2010-09-20T16:19:00.004-04:00

So, Pagan is now available direct from Amazon.ca (clickety click here) and it's actually a direct buy, rather than through 3rd party sellers, which is more than can be said for Amazon.co.uk (here). The Kindle version on the UK site is now down to a silly 69p (here).

I'm available in France (here), Germany (here), and Japan (here) believe it or not, and based upon my limited international language skills, all three appear to be places where you can buy it direct. Everywhere apart from good ol' Blighty.

So... yeah.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

2010-08-20T10:28:00.003-04:00

So, Matt Smith, huh? If you're not a Whovian you probably don't know who he is. In fact, if you're not a Whovian you probably don't know what a Whovian is.

Matt Smith replaced David Tennant as the Doctor on the longest running, and best, science fiction show in the world, Doctor Who.

Tennant, who is ranked by most as the greatest Doctor of them all, grew on me but slowly. Smith, a virtual unknown, I loved from the get-go. The very first episode was incredible. From fish fingers and custard to the most terrifying threat ever--"Basically... run"--it was all gold. And the sheer genius of an actor who is the youngest ever to play the part--28--who manages, more than most, to project those nine centuries of life out of the screen is just breathtaking.

And now I've seen the entirety of Smith's first season I have to say it just got better. Karen Gillan as Amy Pond is equal parts gorgeous, heroic and sympathetic. The stories are as deep and convoluted and satisfying as ever. Even the new TARDIS interior is pretty good. Okay, now I need to go buy another prop replica sonic screwdriver, but that's a small price to pay, I feel.

Two thumbs up.

Faith In Fashion

2010-08-04T15:57:00.003-04:00

Remember, not so long ago, that it was the done thing to be all new-age-y and talk about 'homeopathy' and 'alternative' medicines? It was fashionable to pretend to be a vegetarian, buy anything with the word 'herbal' on the bottle, and eschew leather shoes for sandals made out of hemp.

Of course, after that came Kabbalah, which consisted of pretending to know what 'kabbalah' was and trying bits of red string around your wrist.

And now, it seems, we're on the downswing of Wicca. Modern Wiccans (generally referred to as 'fluffwiccans' or 'wikkans' in print) have little in common with traditional Wicca. Modern Wicca consists mainly of buying books by someone with an incredibly pretentious and excitingly dark name*, dressing like an escapee from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, telling people that you're a Wiccan as loudly and as often as possible, and pretending to understand what 'harmony' and 'balance' mean in respect of your hastily adopted religion. Once in a while you might want to light a pre-dribbled candle and place it on a fake skull, just to maintain proper witch-cred.

No, I didn't write this post to bash Wiccans (but then, what would they do about it if I had? Cast a spell at me?) nor to talk about those who select their religion from the pages of a fashion magazine. No, I wanted to share with you a nightmare.

See, sooner or later the people who treat religion as a fashion accessory are going to find their eyes caught by atheism. Yeah, atheism's not a religion. I know that and, I hope, you're smart enough to know that, but bear with me.

Atheism has many of the features that the religion-as-fashion-statement crowd look for:

It's likely to annoy the heck out of your parents, coworkers, friends and generally anyone you meet, which means you can think of yourself as dark and edgy.

It's not liked by the establishment nor the religious right.

It's not actually necessary to truly believe in anything.

There's no church (or equivalent) to attend when you'd rather be having a lay-in.

There's many books on the subject you can buy and fill your bookshelves with.

It's quite easy to be loud and in-your-face about it, with t-shirts, bumper stickers and jewelry.

There's money to be made from the t-shirts, bumper stickers and jewelry.

There's no required clothing, jewelry, or dietary prejudices, yet you may freely adopt any you wish and you don't have to give up a single thing you don't want to.

The list goes on. The point is, fellow atheists, they will find us sooner or later. Sooner or later a Hollywood starlet will opine "I believe in God, but I'm an atheist" and, at that point, there's not much left to do but head for the treeline. Our cries of dismay and challenge will fall on deaf ears.

But forewarned is forearmed, so maybe we can prepare. The children and our slower members might be able to find sanctuary in some religion until they leave. I hear that Unitarians are pretty open, and there's always Buddhism. For the rest of us, though, there's little hope. We'll have to endure the eyerolls and smirks, the sighs and knowing nods, as people judge us as trendy atheists.

Here's hoping that the religion-fashion victims find something else and miss us this time.

*For both first and last name, randomly select at least two words from the following list: dark, claw, silver, night, wolf, storm, child, moon, raven, crow, paw, tail, star, mage, spell.

A Cleaner Future

2010-07-01T17:53:00.000-04:00

A Cleaner Future is a website dedicated to, well, a cleaner future. From the site:

"A Cleaner Future aims to provoke, inspire, and provide information about alternative and renewable energy sources. We're not experts on what should be done, we're just concerned citizens that want there to be an earth for our children and many future generations to come."

It's a thought-provoking site, full of interesting information and informative videos. I, however, spent much time playing with the "create an oil spill" programme. Basically you can take any website and add an oil spill to it. Type "http://instantoilspill.com/?url=" into your browser, then add the website you want to despoil.

Like http://instantoilspill.com/?url=http://www.imalegalalien.blogspot.com/

Yes, you can treat the entire internet the way the oil companies treat the real world. And, of course, inevitably...

Moving again

2010-05-17T21:30:00.003-04:00

So, we're packing for a move. That's, what, the fourth time since I started this blog? Well, we learned our lesson this time. Last time, I may have mentioned, I had to do most of the move myself, between Mrs. D's infirmity and our legions of friends utterly (with scant exception) failing to appear. It took me almost three days, I kid you not.

This time we're paying a company to do it for us. We pack, then sit back and watch them do all the actual lifting. As someone who has moved more times than I've eaten curry (again, I kid you not) this seems a bit wimpy. But then I remember struggling to lift Mrs. D's antique china hutch in and out of the Uhaul and I think "you can take wimpy and shove it".

See you on the other side, possibly.

Oh, and for those waiting, CRUSADER is squeakingly close to finished. Proofreading and then it'll be out. Keep it here.

Spinal Beeb

2010-05-06T17:14:00.003-04:00

I'm keeping up with Election coverage by watching BBC.com (because BBC America is showing Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares instead) and I just noticed something with dear old Auntie Beeb's media player...

It goes up to eleven. That's one louder, isn't it? You see, most news outlets, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten there, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your news. Where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly.

New facebook phishing email

2010-03-22T15:34:00.003-04:00

I've had this one twice in the the last few days:

Dear user of facebook,

Because of the measures taken to provide safety to our clients, your password has been changed.
You can find your new password in attached document.

Thanks,
Your Facebook.

It comes with an attached document called "facebook_", and the "to" field is, somehow, someone else's email. I'm guessing it's a virus and it shouldn't be opened.

Be careful out there.

Oh Brave New World...

2009-12-27T02:51:00.003-05:00

...that has such people in it.

Remember this post? Well, I can top it.

My wife is a member of a website called Neopets, has been for a long, long time. Nine years, in fact, and in that time she has built up her collection of pets, pet-related items and general cool stuff to a level that was pretty impressive. She had several collections that were complete, lots of rare and retired items. She had four pets, all of which were named in a way that was somehow special to our relationship.

Why the past tense?

Because someone has stolen her account and is busily selling everything off. Whoever did this obviously has experience in doing it. They stole her account just before Christmas, ensuring that nobody at Neopets would be there for at least four days, giving them plenty of time to get done what they wanted before the account gets returned to my wife, if, indeed, that ever happens. They changed her password, changed the email address associated with the account, so my wife couldn't request a new one, and changed the birth date so that she couldn't access the account without the email. They knew what they were doing. They knew how to steal her account and get away with it.

And for what? Money to feed their starving kids or to make a mortgage payment so they could keep a roof over their family's heads? Nope. For an online game. An online game mostly played by kids. It's bad enough that it's my wife. She's understandably upset that something she put work and time into, something that had real, personal meaning to us, is being violated by a slimeball. Imagine some little kid, waking up one day, trying to log onto their account and finding that some amoral bastard has stolen it.

Once again, this scumbag is stealing for no actual real-world gain. This pathetic wastrel is ruining the enjoyment of the game for no reason. This person is cheating and stealing for no material gain. And it's only a game. So, once again, why are you acting like a jerk? What has happened to a society--to a species--where people will just do this?

It makes me livid because this piece of excrement is causing pain and distress to my wife. I'd love to find out who it is.

Update

2009-12-19T09:26:00.003-05:00

I have finished writing CRUSADER, book two of the MPRD novels. With a some editing and a little luck it should be available around March/April.

So now it's on to book three: RENEGADE.

For everyone yelling for Marie to get her own book, I've decided that the fourth, after RENEGADE, will be a Marie novel. It'll probably be called SCRAPPER and will deal with Marie having to go hunting without Jack, in a team run by another hunter, someone who has good reason not to like werewolves. I'm not saying why Jack can't go hunting, that would spoil RENEGADE.

RENEGADE will also feature a 'flip-back-and-forth' between Jack's POV and Marie's, seeing as they spend much of the novel apart.

More updates wll be forthcoming as they become available.

Have a safe and fun holiday season.

Andy.

Umm... what?

2009-12-02T22:04:00.003-05:00

Can someone please explain to me why there's a used copy of PAGAN, my novel, being sold on Amazon.com for $39.38 when anyone can get a new copy for $15.99?

NaNoWriMo and why I fell short.

2009-12-01T22:27:00.002-05:00

Well, NaNoWriMo has come and gone and I failed. All told I ended up about ten thousand words shy of the total.

My heartiest and sincerest congratulations to everyone who signed up and managed to hit the total. You guys rock. However you managed to do it, you did manage it and my hat is off to you.

For the uninitiated, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, an annual event which seeks to encourage writers, both amateur and professional, to commit the month of November to ... look, the name is National Novel Writing Month. Do I really need to explain further?

Anyway, the target is fifty thousand words words or roughly sixteen hundred and sixty-seven words a day. A not-impossible target. So why did I fall short?

Well, I could talk about how I was sick for a large slice of the month, and that would be true. I could talk about setting aside last Friday as the day when I was going to catch up, only to find myself hit by the worst migraine I've had in nearly a decade, and that, too, would be true. I could mention the Bengals unexpectedly being quite good this year and how I had to--no choice, you understand--watch them every Sunday. I could add Thanksgiving into the mix and lament about how, between the cooking and the going to relatives houses, I had to take valuable hours away from the keyboard. I could mention that I do my best writing at work during my split shifts, and how, for reasons unknown, I didn't get split shifts for at least a week. I could mention the sick wife that I nursed. I could talk about all of these things and more.

But let's face it, those are just excuses.

They're not reasons.

The reason I fell short was because I just didn't write enough words. And that's didn't, not couldn't. I can write seventeen hundreds words a day. I can do that easily. On three separate occasions during November I sat down and wrote five thousand words, often in four hours or less. On Monday, the last day of the month, I spent a total of four and a half hours bashing out over seven thousand words.

I can do it. I had the time. It was not a failure of time, or ability, it was a failure of motivation.

I messed around on facebook when I should have been writing. I tormented the cat when I should have been writing. I watched a half-dozen movies, three seasons of Blackadder, three episodes of Stargate Universe, the same number of Sanctuary, and went through most of the Military Channel and the Science Channel on Insight's Free Spot. I watched Stargate: Ark of Truth and Stargate: Continuum. I watched American football. I watched a spot of real football. And I could have written whilst I was doing all that. I have my AlphaSmart. It's portable and cord free.

I read, too. Boy did I read. I went on a Terry Pratchett binge, reading most of my collection. I read Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris. I proof-read Pagan again before authorising it for sale on Kindle. All told, during November, I read close to twenty novels. Twenty! When I could have been writing!

There was also the whole issue of getting started. I didn't set finger to keyboard until the fourth of the month. The fourth! I was already over five thousand words behind by the time I got started.

Maybe if I had got started early and worked a little every day, I could have...

Excuse me, I just have to go and have a flashback to every rushed homework assignment from my school days.

So, lessons learned?

Let's find out, and I don't have to wait 'till next year. December is my private NoWriMo. I'm going to write fifty thousand words in the month of December, if only to prove to myself that I can do it.

Just as soon as I've finished watching this really cool special on the History Channel. And I still have four episodes of V on the DVR. And the cat's looking bored. And I never did get around to reading Sourcery. And I have food to serve on Cafe World.

Oh, this month's not looking good, either.

Sick Con or Sad Delusion?

2009-11-24T13:19:00.003-05:00

The James Randi Educational Foundation has a disturbing piece on a man Belgium who has--according to reports--come out of a persistent vegetative state and is now merrily communicating with the world.

Except, as they point out he's not. It's complete balderdash that gives people false hope and adds fuel to the notion that we absolutely must keep bodies alive, no matter the cost, no matter the condition.

Hat tip to Penn Jillette via twitter.

PAGAN on Amazon.com

2009-11-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

PAGAN is now available on Amazon.com, click here.

PAGAN, Now Available.

2009-10-30T22:46:00.003-04:00

My first novel, PAGAN, is now available through my CreateSpace store at https://www.createspace.com/3402911.

I'm so excited I can barely stand to be in the same room as myself.

V: Again

2009-10-15T13:14:00.001-04:00

I just saw a commercial. Ladies and gennlemen, please stand and raise your glasses.

They're remaking "V".

That quintessential eighties TV show about the rodent-eating, fake skin-wearing, we-come-in-peacing lizards that went from TV movie to miniseries to slightly odd TV series.

Awesome.

Stargate Universe

2009-10-15T13:10:00.002-04:00

I've been casting a jaundiced eye over the newest installment of the Stargate legacy: Stargate Universe.

Well, it's not bad. The principle of the series is this:

An off-world base has a uniquely situated star gate. The core of the planet is radioactive (aren't they all?) and this might allow them to dial a new nine-symbol address.

Nine symbols?

Yeah, try to keep up.

So, the place gets attacked by the Lucian Alliance, the über-upgraded human ships (remember the end of Stargate SG-1?) are suddenly weak and pathetic again and the planet blows up. Our new heroes make their escape through the star gate, using the nine-symbol address.

And there's another flaw. Sure, we have the reasoning that the explosion of the planet could have propogated through the open wormhole and, as such, Earth was out. But are there no other stargates? One on an uninhabited planet, mayhap?

Anyway, through they go and find themselves on a ship. An Ancient ship. An Ancient ship many, many, many, many, many (done yet?), many lightyears from home.

Oh, and the ship's buggered. Not a whole heck of a lot is working. But the Ancients were smart.

Apparently, the point was to send the ship out, unmanned. Flying away before it are a number of other unmanned ships programmed to seek out certain planets and drop star gates on them. Thus, when the time was right the Ancients would use the nine-symbols to transport themselves into a new area of the universe with an already completed network of star gates. If anything went wrong, the ship would seek out the nearest star gate on a world that had what was needed and go there. Of course, the Ancients ascended before they got around to using it.

And that, more or less, is the premise of the show. The ship's on automatic, on its last legs, and it's going to be stopping off close to important places where our heroes can go get stuff.

Because, like, the Ancients had never heard of the concepts of 'spares' or 'backups'.

There are flaws in the premise, it's true, but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief there. What I'm not willing to suspend is my hatred for shakycam. I'm convinced that they hired the same guy to make this new series as they did the remake of Battlestar Galactica. Either that or they just stole his ideas, that whole shaky camera work, stupid zooms and everything else that goes with that 'mockumentary' style of cinematography.

Still, I'm going to watch it. I just won't like it as much as if they had kept the style of the previous two series.

Pagan

2009-10-11T11:16:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I posted anything here. At least I have a good excuse.

For the last few months I've been writing a novel and now it's complete. A lifelong dream has been fulfilled.

The novel is called Pagan and tells the story of a vampire hunter who finds himself having to take on both the vampires and an unwilling public. The vampires are waging a propaganda war--very successfully--and the tide of popular opinion is turning.

The novel is at the printers and should be available in a few weeks. Keep it here for updates or join me on facebook or MySpace for details.

Published!

2009-04-14T13:38:00.001-04:00

Associated Content published my article:

Digital Cameras and Cameras in Cellphones: Photography in the 21st Century
In the 21st century so much is changing so fast, and the humble camera has come further and faster than many other things we take for granted. This is not your grandmother's photography.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1623260/digital_cameras_and_cameras_in_cellphones.html

Rejected

2009-03-09T22:26:00.001-04:00

I sent my story "Outside The Box" to Asimov's Science Fiction magazine and, today, received their answer:

Rejection.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Arise, Sir Terry

2009-01-04T12:01:00.002-05:00

We at Legal Alien were absolutely overjoyed to hear that This World's Greatest Author, Terry Pratchett, has been honoured by Her Majesty in the New Year's Honours list with a knighthood.

I can think of nobody more deserving, and no honour longer overdue. In the words of the man (knight) himself:

"Marry, nuncle, if'n I had a Knighthood (Night Hood), why, it would keep my ears Warm in Bedde; i'faith, if many a Knight is a Fool, why, should a-"

Congratulations, Sir Terry, and long may you continue bringing light into our lives. And now I have to find a way to send him an empty envelope with "Sir Terry Pratchett, Knight" written on the front.

In joke. If you don't get it, you need to read a better class of books.

Walmart Employee Trampled To Death On Black Friday

2008-11-28T22:23:00.003-05:00

Today is Black Friday. For those outside the USA, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving (always the last Thursday in November), traditionally the day all these big stores start their sales and the biggest retail day of the year. Hence the name, it's the day when most retail stored go out of the red and into the black for the year.

Every year stores offer fantastic savings (I got one hell of a nifty digital camera for $60), and usually offer "doorbusters".

Doorbusters are expensive items at massive discount, that go on sale--usually at 5am--and when they're gone, they're gone. It's kinda like the concept of the loss-leader. People come for the doorbuster and, because they've all gone, buy other stuff at much less of a discount.

As a result of these, people queue for hours. In November. In the wee hours of the morning. And, come 5am, the doors are open and it's one big stampede. People get knocked over, trampled, stuff gets crushed. It's chaos.

That's why I ordered my camera online. No crowds, see?

This morning, however, a worker at the Long Island Walmart was trampled to death in the crush. So intent were the shoppers on getting those bargains that the doors were smashed off of their hinges and 200 people ran over this guy after he was knocked to the floor. The same crowd narrowly avoided foisting the same fate on a pregnant woman, who was hospitalised after being knocked over herself.

Crazy. Just crazy.

Hat tip to AMERICAblog

British Police To Get Tasers

2008-11-25T22:14:00.003-05:00

Interesting news from Blighty comes our way in the form of British bobbies being armed with Tasers. Apparently, after more and more police forces have been using the handy little stunners, the country as a whole is going that way.

We await the screams of outrage.

Actually, a Taser, used properly, is less dangerous than the extending batons they have been using for a while now. Extending batons can crush skulls and break bones, especially in inexperienced hands. Sure, if you have a dickey heart a shot from a Taser can kill you, but so can someone sneaking up behind you and yelling "boo!".

The fact is that policing has changed since the days Dixon of Dock Green could fell a criminal with nothing more than a practised knee-bend and a cheerful "What's all this, then?", and the bad guys don't give up with an equally cheery "It's a fair cop, guv" any more. The Taser is, in this writer's opinion, a fair middle-ground between those who want bobbies armed to the teeth and those who want them to go back to the little truncheon.

Peter Boatman, operations director for Pro-Tect Systems, has had the weapon used on him over 200 times, and he's upright and breathing. Wonder how he'd look after a couple of hundred bops on the head from those batons?

Vatican "forgives" Lennon

2008-11-25T22:10:00.001-05:00

Via the BBC comes the news that the Vatican has decided to "forgive" John Lennon for claiming that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

How nice.

Of course, the Vatican finds itself, as the Americans say, a day late and a dollar short. See, they've decided that Lennon's comment was a "boast", whereas anyone who knows the truth behind the story realises that it was nothing of the sort.

So I guess that 40-odd years after the fact it's nice that they're acknowledging it at all. Actually, I think that this is just an indicator of how far behind the Vatican is in their paperwork. Maybe some overworked clerk finally got around to reading the original article and realised the mistake.

Think about it. The Vatican is always coming out and saying things about events that happened decades ago. They've only recently acknowledged that the then Pope might have done more when it came to the question of Hitler. And before that we had the admission that the Spanish Inquisition might have been a wee bit on the harsh side.

So there's hope. It seems like they are catching up. They've probably just hired on some new, eager young firebrand who is working through the backlog.

At this rate the Roman Catholic church should be ready to admit that overcrowding is somewhat of a problem some time around 2012, by 2017 they might be telling us that AIDS is a threat, and by 2020 they may finally come out and tell us that abstinence-only education doesn't work. Who knows, we may yet see them endorsing condoms and producing their own blessed "packet of three" under the name "His Holiness's Swiss Guard*".

I wouldn't hold my breath, though. It's been two thousand years and they're still clinging to the myth that Jesus was a peace-loving lamb who was killed by the Jews instead of the Romans.

* I can't claim this joke as my own. It appeared in an old Dark Future novel by Games Workshop.

And.. I've come..

2008-11-12T05:40:00.001-05:00

Remember

2008-11-11T06:36:00.003-05:00

Today is remembrance day, the Eleventh of the Eleventh, and the ninetieth anniversary of the end of the First World War. I was asleep at 11am GMT, but I will be observing a minute of silence at 11am EST here in Kentucky.

In England, 3 of the 4 surviving British WWI veterans attended the traditional ceremony at the Cenotaph, and Prince Charles attended a similar ceremony in Verdun, France.

And in Australia, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said "We have all endured a most bloody century. Let us resolve afresh at the dawn of this new century.. that this might be a truly pacific peaceful century."

Pilot Lands After Going Blind

2008-11-09T12:29:00.003-05:00

Via AMERICAblog comes the amazing story of a British pilot who went blind at 15,000 ft and was then talked down to a safe landing by the RAF:

When the instruments on Jim O'Neill's four-seater Cessna aircraft became difficult to read, he assumed it was the glare of the sunlight as he flew over north England at 15,000ft. It was only when the dials blurred completely that he realised the full horror of his predicament: he was a solo pilot who had suddenly gone blind.

Struggling with the aftermath of a mid-flight stroke – which had put pressure on his optical nerve and robbed him of his sight in one eye and left him with very limited sight in the other – Mr O'Neill found himself unable to follow instructions from civilian air trafficcontrollers attempting to guide him to the nearest airstrip. Instead, an extraordinary rescue was launched when RAF staff, overhearing the emergency, offered to send a military plane to fly alongside Mr O'Neill and shepherd him in to land, issuing instructions to him over the radio.

Brilliant.

And again...

2008-11-09T12:11:00.004-05:00

I see that Bill O'Reilly and the Fox news team have started this year's "War On Christmas" blatherings already.

Is it just me or is there something sick about this so-called War On Christmas tomfoolery in a world where people really are suffering persecution for their beliefs?

Are we nearly there yet?

2008-11-07T09:50:00.004-05:00

I got a note from the Blog Police last night and if I don't mention the election I will get my license revoked.

I may have used that joke before.

Ah well.

So, like, Obama won. America's first African American President. Yes, its a historic moment. I was actually watching Indecision 08: America's Choice on Comedy Central when the news broke. Yes, this is a tradition, you may recall that I watched Colbert and Stewart team up for the last election in 2006 and I thought I'd do the same this year.

So, Obama won, and not only won, trounced the holy shite out of his opponent. Obama got 349 electoral votes to McCain's 163, more than double. And there are still two states not reporting--Missouri and North Carolina--but the two are likely to get one each.

Here's an interesting point that I noticed. The election was decided so fast that all of the news outlets were announcing the result while polls in Alaska were still open!

Wow, way to tell an entire state that they're irrelevant.

There was bad news, though, for anyone who values freedom. Having passed a same-sex marriage law two years ago, California residents voted to pass Proposition 8, ammending the state's constitution in the same religious-fueled, hate-based, equality-destroying way that Kentucky and six other states did in 2006. All for that ridiculous reason that wobbles on about "protecting marriage".

Good news, though. The Sensible Marijuana Policy Initiative passed in Massachusetts, decriminilising the possession of small amounts of marijuana, and the Compassionate Care Initiative passed in Michigan, allowing for the use of marijuana for medical purposes.

So, some freedoms were squashed, some sensible laws passed, and history was made. Not bad for an election.

Cincinnati 12-20 Cleveland

2008-09-28T19:33:00.001-04:00

That makes the Bengals 0-4.

I called Paul Brown stadium this morning to ask what time the game started.

They said "What time can you get here?"

It's Olympian.. or not.

2008-08-31T12:25:00.000-04:00

Is it safe to come out yet? Are they gone? The Olympics, I mean. That big bundle of blatantly silly, sweaty*1 activity that staggers across our screens every four years*2 in a senseless, pointless display of blatant commercialism. In a world were money talks and bullshit walks, here it runs. Or rides a bike. Or swims. Or plays baseball. Or possibly basketball.

And this time around, bullshit rode a BMX. Really. Ugh.

A traditionalist at heart, I lost interest in the Olympics about fifty years before I was born. Team games are not Olympic sports. The Olympics are about individual achievement, not how much money your country can pour into the events. Basketball is not an Olympic sport. Baseball is not a sport, never mind an Olympic sport. Beach volleyball? Give me a break*3. Football should not be in there*4.

And professional athletes? Are you kidding? So, like, the all-professional USA basketball team who, remember, get paid multi-million dollar salaries to play the game every day, took on an amateur Spanish team and won, and everybody is sitting around with their jaws dropped. Are you kidding? Hellooooo.. Pros?

Look, I realise that Michael Phelps is the only living proof that women and dolphins can produce viable offspring, but as a guy who gets paid to swim, he has no place is a decent Olympics. It wasn't that long ago that the Olympic committee were arguing over whether being a skiing instructor counted as making a living from skiing, and thus made one a professional skier, and therefore ineligible for Olympic competition. Now we have a guy getting million dollar bonuses for every medal he wins?

Don't get me wrong, what the guy has achieved is amazing. More gold than anyone in history, and second only to Larissa Latynina in total number of medals, and she's retired whereas Phelps probably has another Olympics (or maybe even two - in 2016 he'll be 31, older than most Olympians but by no means too old to compete) in him. The IOC needs to make up its mind about pro athletes. Having some sports allow all-pro, some only having semi-pro, and some rare (like boxing) still insisting on all-amateur, it's a mish-mash of silliness.

If the IOC are intent on upholding the Olympic ideal, ban all professional participation. If they are intent on showcasing the world's best sporting talents, remove all restrictions. But go one way or another, yes? Shit, as they say, or get off the pot.

Still, I was proud to see that Great Britain won 19 gold, 4th behind China (51), USA (36), and Russia (23) and 47 medals total, again 4th behind USA (110), China (100) and Russia (72).

Of course, there's still one Olympic pleasure available. That of the running. Specifically, the long-distance running. The 3000m, the 1500m, the marathon, where some stick insect who weighs 9 stone holding a suitcase full of lard, who probably trains by running around the dirt track that encircles his village, from an impoverished African nation whose total contribution to his Olympic bid was the clothes he's standing in and his plane ticket, who goes out onto the field and proceeds who whup the absolute pants off of all the multi-million dollar athletes from rich countries who train in climate-controlled facilities with legions of coaches and computer-aided training schedules.

That's the Olympic spirit, right there.

-------------------------------------------------

*1: Any activity that involves sweat but not at least one orgasm is clearly and obviously silly, ridiculous and entirely without merit.

*2: I don't count the Winter Olympics as being as bad as the Summer Olympics. At least at the Winter games there is the prospect of seeing a tobogganist crash on the first turn and then complete the entire course on his arse.

*3: Hate the game; love the women in tiny bikinis bouncing around. Not a sport, more like really soft porn. The only things that could improve beach volleyball are oil or thongs. Both, preferably.

*4: No, I don't mean "soccer". Soccer is a game played on lazy Sunday afternoons whilst waiting for the pub to open, and involves two piles of coats as a goal and one person inefficiently trying to explain the offside rule. Football is The Beautiful Game, involving 22 men, green grass, and a football. Where you use your feet.

It's Just A Game

2008-08-13T11:37:00.012-04:00

Yeah, I've been working on getting my writing published--no progress yet, keep it here for any updates--and writing my novel, not to mention working many hours of overtime and devoting myself to that most wonderful of creatures, Mrs Doombreed, so time for posting here has been somewhat limited.

I have, however, been able to devote maybe ten minutes a week to Knighthood and Warbook, two Facebook games that, I freely admit, I'm addicted to.

Well, Warbook is on the verge of going out of the window. I'm getting a little hacked off with having my kingdom crushed every time I leave the computer. I'm a Warmonger. If you play, you'll understand. If you don't, you won't and should start playing as soon as possible just so you, too, can experience the soul-crushing defeat of seeing your carefully-constructed 100,000 acre kingdom with it's magnificent 1,000,000 strong army reduced to three acres defended by a tired old man with a stick thanks to a gang-bang that would make Jenna Jameson flinch.

Warmongers are everyone's whipping boy. Easy target, easy money.

Knighthood, however, is a little more slow paced.

Worry not, there is a moral to this story, you're just going to have to bear with me.

In Knighthood you play by recruiting your friends. You start out as a Knight with two vassals, two serfs with randomly generated names, each at power 5. This makes you power 20. You send invitations to your friends and they immediately become available to your kingdom as handmaidens or squires (depending on their gender), each power 10. Each handmaiden or squire you have adds one to your total power. If your friends accept the invitation and install the application, they become a Knight or Lady (depending on gender) with two serfs, and show up in your kingdom as a Knight or Lady with power 20 and add two to your total power. If they then recruit loads of friends, their power, in your kingdom, goes up. Some players are up in the thousands. And, of course, if their friends recruit, they go up, so causing your vassals to go up, giving you even more power. As you gain power your rank increases. I'm now a Baron.

You can also acquire vassals by seizing them from other players or by buying them.
You build structures and put your vassals to work. Vassals in the marketplace earn you gold, vassals in the workshop increase your structures' effectiveness, vassals in the wall, watchtowers or palisade defend your kingdom against attack.

Simple so far, right? Someone attacks, they send three vassals, each with power 20 against your wall. Your wall, being manned by three of your best vassals, had a defensive rating of 80. They lose. Good eh?

Don't worry, I am going somewhere with this.

Both the attackers and the defenders take damage, a point each, so the attackers are now 57 (three 19s) and the defenders are now 77. But the attacker can spend gold healing his or her vassals and send them again.

And that's what we call a "spam attack". See, your hospital heals your vassals, just not spectacularly fast. If the attacker has enough gold, they can attack over and over again until your defenses are weakened to the point where they break through. After one attack, 77, after two, 74, after three, 71, after four, 68, after five, 65, after six, 65, after seven, 62, after eight, 59 and the attacker breaks through. Now, they might be looking to steal your gold or they might be looking to steal a vassal. Stealing vassals is calculated a little differently, but the same principle applies, an attacker can just keep on hitting until they win. No defense is good enough to resist an attacker with enough gold.

It's not uncommon to log on to find ninety-odd attacks against you from as little as two different attackers.

But then, having broken through, some players just go slap-happy, attacking again and again in order to plunder as much gold as possible, and it is these that prompted this post.

I got so fed up with getting spam attacked that I disbanded my armies and went into peace mode. In peace mode, you can't be attacked, but you can't attack anybody. Your vassals can't be seized, but you can't seize others. You still earn gold, you can still build, and you can still buy vassals. So if you're looking at consolidating your defenses before hurling yourself back into the fray, peace mode is invaluable.

The incident that prompted the decision involved a structure called the trapper. The trapper is a structure that was included to prevent or counter spam attacks. Here's how it works. If an attacker hits with 60, and the defensive structure that they hit has a defense value of 80, then there is a chance that any vassals in the trapper can capture one of the attackers, provided that the vassals in the trapper have a higher score than the attackers. Far from stealing your gold or seizing a vassal, they've lost one! It doesn't always work, but often enough to cause an attacker to blink.

Here's the problem: vassals caught by the trapper automatically get sent to the court, a structure protected by the watchtowers, so the attacker knows where they are. So they can spam attack to get them back. Sure, they may lose another vassal, but eventually, their spamming will reduce the watchtower to the point where they can attack and rescue with impunity. It would look something like this:

Knight Fred (we'll call him) attacks in order to seize Lady Betty (for example), who is currently stationed in the axeshop, a structure that is defended by the watchtowers. My kingdom is called Dunny On The Wold (after the rotten borough in Blackadder).

10:18a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:18a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:19a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:19a As your defenders fended off the weak attack by Knight Fred, your trappers managed to restrain attacking Knight Jim!
10:20a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:20a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:20a As your defenders fended off the weak attack by Knight Fred, your trappers managed to restrain attacking Knight Bob!
10:21a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:21a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:21a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:22a As your defenders fended off the weak attack by Knight Fred, your trappers managed to restrain attacking Knight Charlie!
10:22a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:23a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:23a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:23a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:23a As your defenders fended off the weak attack by Knight Fred, your trappers managed to restrain attacking Knight Charlie!
10:23a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!
10:24a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold but did not seize anyone!

Now, at this point, your watchtowers become too weak to defend adequately;

10:24a Knight Fred's soldiers invaded the Watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and seized Lady Betty!

Now all Knight Fred has to do is rescue his trapped vassals by attacking the already-weak watchtowers:

10:25a Knight Fred's soldiers stormed into the watchtowers region of Dunny On the Wold and rescued Knight Jim!
10:25a Knight Fred's soldiers stormed into the watchtowers region of Dunny On the Wold and rescued Knight Bob!
10:25a Knight Fred's soldiers stormed into the watchtowers region of Dunny On the Wold and rescued Knight Charlie!

So, you lost a vassal and your trapper was completely ineffective. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, Knight Fred now knows that your watchtowers are screwed, and can raid for gold without consequence:

10:26a Knight Fred's soldiers raided the watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and looted 102 gold coins!
10:27a Knight Fred's soldiers raided the watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and looted 101 gold coins!
10:27a Knight Fred's soldiers raided the watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and looted 99 gold coins!
10:27a Knight Fred's soldiers raided the watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and looted 96 gold coins!
10:27a Knight Fred's soldiers raided the watchtowers region of Dunny On The Wold and looted 90 gold coins!

So, you lost the vassal, your trapper was completely ineffective, and you paid for the privilege of getting shafted!

It was an incident similar to this which prompted me to move to peace mode, but what prompted this post was the exchange that I then had with "Knight Fred" (names have been changed to protect the idiot). I sent hims a "terse" message, to the effect that the game was called "Knighthood" and that, maybe, he could benefit from looking up the meanings of the words "honour" and "chivalry" and that he could possibly use a refresher course on "Knightly virtues". I grant you I probably didn't use those exact words, but that was the gist of it.

Knight Fred wrote back with a few lame insults and the phrase "it's only a game". That phrase, in that context, says a lot about Knight Fred, and little of it good. And the fact that so many people would agree including, I'd bet, many reading this post, says a lot about humanity, and little of it good.

The notion that boorish behaviour can be excused because "it's only a game" is simply ridiculous. If Knight Fred were stealing gold from me to feed his starving family, to pay for little Tim's life-saving surgery, to save his family from homelessness, the attitude of "I'll do whatever it takes" would be justifiable. But that fact that it's a meaningless game makes that attitude reprehensible. There are virtually no real-world consequences to the game. People do not live or die based upon the actions of this or that player. The gold in the game isn't real. We are all playing for the fun of the game, so the only thing--the only thing--that can come from playing the game like a jerk is that you'll ruin it for others.

If "it's only a game", why are you playing like an arsehole?

What is it going to take?

2008-07-01T07:55:00.009-04:00

Recent events in Mt Vernon, Ohio have once again uncovered the dark dirty side of religion. It's not so much that a teacher - who, according of one member of the school board had been the subject of numerous complaints over the last eleven years - taught creationism in his science class and had bibles and little ten commandments idols all over the place.

And, as horrific as it is, it's not even the fact that this religious nutball masquerading as a science teacher BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS!!

No, as bad as that seems, that's not really what brought me up short.

Take a deep breath, people. Yep. Friends, families and random apologetics are defending this nutbar who BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS!!

Yep, this so-called science teacher took up a high-frequency generator and BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS is being defended for branding children with a crucifix.

Y'know, I don't care what the symbol is, the fact that it was BURNED INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS makes it wrong, wrong, wrong. If the teacher had been an atheist and had burned the atom symbol (or even my symbol) into the arms of his students, they'd even now be piling up the firewood to burn th' day-vil outta th' witch.

But it's a crucifix and he was preaching their religion, so the religious feel obligated to defend the guy who BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS, even though the act is clearly indefensible. They say that, y'know, apart from that whole BURNING CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS, he was "teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district", values, presumably, that include lying in the name of your god.

See, despite the fact that a blind duckling in a bag could see that the symbol that was BURNED INTO THE STUDENT'S ARMS (see right) is a crucifix, Mr Upstanding Christian thinks he can lie his way out of it by claiming it was an "x", and not a crucifix.

Okay, let's assume for a moment that it's true. Hey, asshole, you still BURNED "X"s INTO THE ARMS OF YOUR STUDENTS!!

Anyway, it's not just the usual procession of friends and family (who, had he taken a hunting knife into class and disemboweled his students would have told the media "he was such a nice, quiet guy") stepping up to defend the fake science teacher who BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS, here's the usual round of nutty bastards stepping up to don armour, raise the standard, draw swords and march off to war in defence of this good Christian soldier.

The comments to this story are a sad reminder of why religion is so dangerous. The reason I'm all-capping and italicising is to make sure that the simple fact of this guy's horrendous crime is kept to the fore. This isn't just some church-state issue, this isn't some liberals-hounding-harmless-christian story, this guy BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS!!

How can any rational (ha!) person defend this guy? Hello? He BURNED KIDS. You don't even need to imagine if it was an Islamic symbol or a pentagram or anything else, the fact that it was BURNED INTO THE STUDENT'S ARMS is enough. The fact that it was a crucifix that was BURNED INTO THEIR ARMS is merely the light dusting of powdered sugar on top of the gigantic, seven-layered, intricately iced, three-flavoured sponge cake that's making the table groan in protest.

Here's a few more, this time commenting on how this teacher refused to remove the bible from his desk. Note the sad old pony being trotted out for another run around the yard, to wit: the notion that, had it been a Koran on his desk, the liberals wouldn't have said a word. And this is worth addressing, because it is true.

Had this nutcase placed a Koran on his desk, I wouldn't complain, and nor would anyone who could be tarred with the "liberal" brush. We wouldn't complain simply because we would never have had the chance. Had this guy placed a Koran on his desk and refused to remove it, the good ole boys would have thrown his Mohammed-worshippin' ass outta there so fast that he'd still be bouncing today.

And they probably would have hidden behind the establishment clause to do it.

But that's an aside. As of now, anyone who criticises this nutty moron who BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS is being anti-Christian and people who are sickened or disgusted by the fact that a teacher BURNED CROSSES INTO THE ARMS OF HIS STUDENTS are simply seizing upon a non-event as an excuse to bash this beautiful, virtuous Christian teacher.

All clear? Good.

Oh, This Is Nice

2008-04-25T01:42:00.003-04:00

I

WANT

THIS

CAR!

Science Defeats Crap - AGAIN

2008-04-03T01:38:00.002-04:00

For years, the "we refuse to believe that pumping millions of tonnes of waste crap into the atmosphere of our planet is in any way harmful" crowd have been relying on a work of fiction to bolster their claims - the notion that the climate changes we see around us on a daily bases are caused by cosmic rays.

Yeah.

So, scientists in the UK, being scientists and therefore guided by scientific principles, did scientific experiments, and scientifically produced huge amounts of scientific evidence that shows that the aforementioned notion is - well - complete twaddle.

Thank science for that.

Man, Insomnia Sucks

2008-04-03T01:04:00.002-04:00

I had to leave work early with a migraine which was making my head pound like a rude boy was driving it and my stomach eject its contents with extreme force. I went straight to bed and, after three and a half hours sleep, went from "man, I'm gonna die" to "man, I'm never getting back to sleep."

Wary of waking Mrs Doombreed, who has to get up tomorrow even earlier than I do, I slipped from the bed and came in here to play some Warbook.

Warbook is not as much fun when you have a level 50 magician who's decided to turn your kingdom into his own private Salisbury Plain and his hitting you with 30-odd fireballs a day, wiping out 90% of your army as soon as you recruit it.

Still, I'm going down fighting.

Ho-hum.

So how's the weather there?

May have to switch to writing on my novel.

In Memoriam

2008-03-12T07:41:00.002-04:00

We lost Selene yesterday. It was pretty sudden and a bit of a shock, even though she was getting along in years for a gerbil. She was such an adorable little girl, and we'll miss her.

Rest in peace, little one.

I should stop, but I just don't wanna

2008-02-19T16:54:00.003-05:00

I've been trawling around looking for the best (and worst) jabs at the Patriots.

First, here's one that, I assume, came from last year when the Colts, under Peyton Manning, beat the Patriots against the odds to go to the Superbowl:

Next, we bridge the gap, with Peyton passing the torch to younger brother Eli:

This sums it up, I think:

It's a bitch:

It's not nice to mock the afflicted, but here we go anyway:

X-Box Game Unveils Secret Bonus:

And what was that record again?

And, finally..

Vic Henley on football

2008-02-19T10:33:00.002-05:00

Via Comedy Central:

Just.. Because..

2008-02-19T08:41:00.001-05:00

Thank you, The New York Post:

The video isn't going to embed, apparently, so here's the link.

Define "Irony"

2008-02-19T08:22:00.002-05:00

Okay, so this is not so much ironic as it is abso-friggin-lutely hilarious, but it seems that the New England Patriots filed applications to trademark the phrases "19-0" and "19-0: The Perfect Season", almost a month before the Superbowl.

The word "hubris" means exaggerated and overwhelming - but unwarranted - pride and self-confidence, and is often used in conjunction with the concept of the subject getting his or her comeuppance.

Maybe Bob Kraft needed to have a slave standing at his shoulder whispering "look not so proud, for the football gods are jealous" as he rode in triumph into Foxborough.

Story tipped by the NY Post and their story about kids in Nicaragua being gifted with the now unnecessary Patriots "19-0" Superbowl XLII Champions t-shirts and hats.

Merc'ing It Up

2008-02-12T04:53:00.000-05:00

I have been tussling with Resident Evil 4 on the PS2 for a while now, and I have nearly destroyed the game completely.

I played it through on normal, unlocking the Mercenaries and Assignment Ada mini-games, plus the Matilda burst pistol and the first special costume.

A second run through, much easier with improved weapons and the body armour, unlocked the infinite missile launcher.

Completing the Separate Ways scenario on normal gave me the Chicago Typewriter - an infinite machine gun - and the second special costume.

Playing the main game through and then the Separate Ways game through, both on the pro setting, gave me the PRL-412 - the experimental light-based gun that treats bosses like a fart in a cyclone.

Playing the Mercenaries game gave me some trouble, but after some practice I managed to unlock all four special characters - Ada, Krauser, Hunk and Wesker - by getting 4 star ratings in all four scenarios.

There is but one thing left to unlock, according to the various guides I found at this point.

The hand cannon - an infinite .44 magnum.

The guide I used says that all I had to do was get a 5-star rating on each scenario and it would be mine.

So I did, using the totally awesome Krauser to do 3 scenarios and Hunk the fourth.

And nothing.

I checked the guides again.

Yep. What am I doing wrong?

Well, I was doing some deeper research and, apparently, there is a difference of opinion concerning what you have to do to get it. Some guides say you need a 5-star rating on each scenario (I know that's not true), some say you need a 5-star rating with each character (harder, but not impossible) and some say you need a 5-star with each character on each scenario.

And that seems damn near impossible, considering how much Leon sucks.

Still, I'm going for the second option, and if that doesn't work, I'll have to go with the third.

Here's where I am so far:

Leon:

Pueblo:................3 stars
Castle:................4 stars
Military Base:........3 stars
Waterworld:..........4 stars

Ada:

Pueblo:................3 stars
Castle:................4 stars
Military Base:........0 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars

Krauser:

Pueblo:................5 stars
Castle:................5 stars
Military Base:........5 stars
Waterworld:..........5 stars

Hunk:

Pueblo:................2 stars
Castle:................5 stars
Military Base:........4 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars

Wesker:

Pueblo:................0 stars
Castle:................2 stars
Military Base:........4 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars

(0 stars indicates I've never even played the scenario with that character - you get 1 star just for turning up)

So, if the second scenario is correct, I need a 5 star rating with Leon (who sucks, so that should be fun) Ada and Wesker. If third scenario is correct, I have a lot of work to do.

An Open Letter To That Patriots Fan

2008-02-08T08:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Patriots Fan,

I don't - in most cases - know your name, just the various online handles you use in various chatrooms, message boards and forums. Be it PatriotsFan, bradyisgod, patsrule2007, or whatever else you could come up with, you are the gestalt entity which has earned the ire of NFL fandom.

For almost 5 months now you've been strutting around like the cock of the walk, secure in your team's dominance of the NFL, confidently and arrogantly predicting the perfect season. With nary a glance towards spelling, and a barely a brush with grammar, we've had to hear about how the team from New England are "the graetest in the histry of the game".

Sometimes you seem to have a keyboard without a working shift key, as capital letters elude you, even in your beloved QB "tom bradey".

Also apparent, and almost as often, is your tenuous grasp of punctuation. Great long paragraphs of bile and shameless fawning, broken by not a single comma or full stop, declaring for all the world "I am an ignorant bastard and I am either so stupid as to be unaware of it, or simply arrogant enough to be proud of it," or, as you would put it, "im dum n i dont care."

You've dismissed mention of the Patriots long-time cheating as "haters" and ignored any attempt to discuss relative merits or historical evidence.

No, this season you've made being a fan of any other team a frustrating experience.

And now you're going to whine because it's all coming back on you?

Karma's a bitch.

Yes, you lost.

The Lord High-And-Mighty, Master Of The Comeback, Great And Powerful Engineer Of The Last-Minute Game-Winning Drive, The Golden Boy, The Man Himself, "tom bradey", couldn't hit a cow's arse with a shovel at the end of that game because the Giants had been doing exactly what fans around the league have been saying for months: plow the field with Brady's face.

I'll leave the analysis for another time. But we were right, you were wrong: Any team that rattles Brady beats the Patriots.

But you refuse to even acknowledge the loss. There are rumblings of cheating, rumblings of biased refs. How absurd.

You lost. You've spent 5 months giving it out, and now it's time for you to take it.

And, yes, that means from everybody. Even Dolphins fans have the right to mock you for your stupidity.

All the jokes, all the ribbing, the names, the insults, these are your due. Take it like a man, even if that means most of you will have to fake it.

Maybe, like the sword going to the forge, this experience will help you. It may be next year, it may be in ten years time, but the next time your "pats" go 7-0, 8-0, 10-0, 12-0, perhaps you'll reserve judgment because you've seen how the mighty can fall.

Maybe, in a future season, if your "pats" go 18-0 to the Superbowl again, even then, maybe - just maybe - you'll hold your tongue and stay away from the message boards with your ridiculous guarantees and silly hyperbole.

Maybe, next time the "pats" start building a nice undefeated season, and the idiots swarm out of the woodwork to take possession of the Superbowl on week 7, you'll be one of the calm heads cautioning patience and wisdom.

And maybe this experience will make you a better friend, a better fan, and a better person.

Maybe.

See you next season.

And remember, 31 coaches now have the Patriots' number, thanks to the Giants.

And It's Over

2008-02-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

Giants 17-14 Patriots.

What a wonderful world. And now it's been proved that cheaters never win and winners never cheat, the Patriots, it seems, are about to get theirs.

I've never been a Giants fan, and I never will be, except for tonight.

It's here...

2008-02-03T09:03:00.000-05:00

Today is the day when we find out, once and for all, whether cheaters win and whether winners cheat.

Good luck to the Giants. You'll need it against the Patriots and the refs. Just don't dare say so or they'll fine you.

"It's hard to go out there and play the Patriots and the refs at the same time," McAlister said. "They put the crown on top of them, they want them to win. They won."

Happy Winter-een-mas to you and yours.

2008-01-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

We at Legal Alien wish you and yours a happy Winter-een-mas and hope you inflict much ownage on this most sacred of gamer's holidays.

Ownage be with you.

Giants Beat Patriots, NFL Beats Giants.

2008-01-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

In a stunning display of skill and dignity the New York Giants refused to lay down and play dead on Saturday night.

In the final game of the NFL's regular season, the Giants faced off against the New England Patriots who, as reported previously on Legal Alien were awarded the undefeated season and this year's Superbowl before the first game was played. The 10-5 Giants were going to lose, it had been decided, but nobody could force them to make it easy.

For three straight quarters the Giants destroyed the Patriots on both sides of the ball. The Patriots' shambolic offense could barely manage to put up a decent drive, and the Giants were carving up the defense like they were amateurs. The Patriots opening drive ended with the team settling for a field goal, in answer to the Giants opening touchdown.

After a nicely orchestrated penalty saved the Patriots from going three-and-out, they managed to stumble down the field for a touchdown, giving them their only legitimate lead of the game.

NY lead 21-16 at the half and 28-23 at the end of the 3rd quarter.

At this point the Giants felt that they'd made their point - that they could easily have beaten the Patriots if they'd chosen to - they obeyed their orders from the NFL and stopped playing.

The change was marked and incredible. It was like the Giants went home and sent the Miami Dolphins (1-15) out in their uniforms to play the final quarter.

Even then, the Giants thumbed their nose at the Patriots with an easy touchdown in the closing minutes of the game to keep things close and give the NFL a scare.

Life-long Giants fan James Edmondsen said after the game, "It's a shame that we weren't allowed to win, but if we meet those bitches in the Superbowl, it's on.

"All bets are off," he continued, "the league can kiss my ass."

Dallas Cowboys fan Jake Phillips echoed the sentiment, "We had the Patriots on the run when the guys in black and white stepped in. In the Superbowl, we own them."

Morton Braithwaite, follower of the Philadelphia Eagles, said, "I hate the Giants like I hate the Cowboys, but if they get to the Superbowl, you bet I'll be a fan. Anyone who gets revenge on the Patriots is fine by me.

"Screw the NFL," he added.

* * * *

This article, again, is a parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously. No quotes attributed to any person, named or unnamed, are real. The contents of this article do not, to the best of my knowledge, represent the actual truth behind the farce that was the 2007 season.

Happy Arbitrarily Decided Day!

2008-01-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

Happy First Square On The First Page Of The Calendar Day peeps!

'Tis The Season

2007-12-25T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a hectic couple o' weeks. We moved house, a process that was way harder and took way longer than any two people should have to endure. Still, we're firmly ensconced in our new home. Settling - if not settled - in, just in time for Christmas.

Thus far this year I've been spared much of the "war on Christmas" claptrap, thanks to the fact that I've had neither the time nor inclination to watch The Never Ending Torrent Of Complete And Utter Bullshit That Is FAUX News, however, I did notice one of our greatest and most prolific anti-Christmas warriors firing a beautiful salvo. Yep, that world-renown secular progressive, the Archbishop Of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, says that the traditional Christmas story - the manger, star, wise men, blah, blah, blah - is only "a legend".

Thanks to the Hippy, here is a lil' Xmas video, and a lil' Xmas song. Don't blame me, I'm just passin' 'em on.

Have a very merry Christmas, Mythmas, Solstice, December 25th, Whatever You're Doing, and don't drink and drive - you'll spill it all over your trousers.

Patriots Win Superbowl

2007-12-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

It was a controversial decision, but one that the NFL felt was necessary: The Patriots have won the Superbowl.

With three games still to play in the regular season, the NFL's top competition has long been decided, claims one NFL insider, speaking today on the condition of anonymity.

"It was decided long before the first snap [of the season]. The NFL needed an undefeated team and they fit the bill.

"Sucks to be the '72 Dolphins," he added, referring to the only team to go undefeated through to win the Superbowl up to this year, "but that record is going away."

Money

The decision is, he claimed, motivated by money.

"With an 18-0 team in the Superbowl, ad prices have quadrupled. It's insane. It's like seven, eight million for thirty seconds. And tickets for the Patriots' last three games are already changing hands for twice the cover price."

Memorabilia sales based around the undefeated season are expected to top $100 billion over the next five years, between the Patriots and the NFL's own merchandising.

For the other contenders it has been a bitter pill to swallow. The Dallas Cowboys and the Green Bay Packers - the NFC teams most likely to qualify to lose to the Patriots in the Superbowl - have registered protests, but all in vain.

"It's hard, but they just have to suck it up. The Colts are gonna lose to the Patriots in the AFC championship. Sorry, Payton, sorry Brett, sorry Tony, this is not your year."

The fix hasn't all been plain sailing, however.

Close Call

"The Eagles and the Ravens gave the NFL a nasty scare. Both teams refused to roll over and play by the script, so the NFL had to create last-minute, game-winning touchdowns in both games. Refusing to review those non-touchdowns gave the Pats the games. Three Ravens guys were even fined for trying to point out the cheating," he said, adding, "the Colts and the Cowboys were beaten by some brilliantly inventive penalty calling by the refereeing squads. The Pats would be 9-4 right now - or worse - if the NFL weren't steering things the way they wanted."

The 19-0 Patriots have to play the Jets and the Dolphins before facing the Giants in their final game, which could be a problem according to our source.

"As of now, the Giants are still looking for a playoff berth, even though they aren't allowed to win the Superbowl. If they go into the 16th game needing to win, the NFL may have to call on the referees in order to make sure that the Pats continue to go undefeated. Watch out for Giants being called for offside when they blink, and looking in the general direction of Randy Moss will be called as pass interference.

"It's not fair, but this is football. It's not a sport, it's a business.

"People would love to see Brett [Favre of the Green Bay Packers] win another [Superbowl] ring before he retires, or see Payton [Manning of the Indianapolis Colts] go back-to-back, or see Tony [Romo of the Dallas Cowboys] win in his first full season as a starter, but it's far more profitable for the Patriots to win the whole ball of wax.

"And next year? Wait and see, but just think how much money could be made off of back-to-back undefeated seasons."

* * * *

This article is a parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously. It is, however, intended to express my very real frustration, and the very real frustration of Eagles and Ravens fans, not to mention fans of fair competition in sport, at the way that the Patriots are cheating their way to an undefeated season, and especially at the way that the NFL's referees seem determined to help them. Play fair or don't play at all.

10 Signs You've Been Playing Way Too Much Resident Evil

2007-11-11T19:46:00.000-05:00

When you see a potted plant, you check to see how you feel.

The sound of a dog's claws on tile makes your right index finger twitch.

When out after dark, the sight of moonlight glinting off of broken glass causes you to turn and take two steps before you realise what you're doing.

You get a quiet, nagging urge to reload before opening doors.

The sight of a parked police car gives you a surge of hope.

You think typewriters are for the weak, but still make a mental note of where you saw one.

A broom leaning against a neighbour's wall looks like it might be handy in a tight spot.

You peer into alleyways to see if there's anything useful lying around.

You understand what all of the above mean.

And number 1:

You suddenly remember that it's been a few days since you last blogged, and when you check, it's been more like three weeks...

An extreme blast from the past

2007-10-16T23:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Bing, who sent me this video via my facebook page.

The show is real. I grew up watching Rainbow, and all characters and puppets are real and acting in character, however, this episode never aired.

Rumour has it that this was filmed as a joke for a Christmas party, and the tape was released much later. This hasn't stopped many people who tout this as a genuine, aired episode.

Whatever, it's hilarious.

Cheers Bing.

Friday Cat Blogging

2007-10-12T23:40:00.001-04:00

"Am I living in a box
Am I living in a cardboard box
Am I living in a box..."

Loki, for reasons best known to himself, pretends to be homelesskitty.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-10-12T23:37:00.000-04:00

Selene, looking into a new career as a stuntgerbil for the movie industry, prepares to practice her death-defying leap off of a house act.

When I were a lad...

2007-10-12T00:55:00.000-04:00

A financial advisor in Hertfordshire has been ordered to pay £75 to three kids who "teased" him over his mustache.

The world has changed. Had I gone to my parents to tell them that a man had threatened me because we were yelling insults at him, my dad would have given me a thick ear and dragged me to the guy to apologise.

Now you get spending money for it.

I'm 33. There's no way I should be using, in all seriousness, phrases like "in my day" and "when I was young".

It's not just that the world is changing. It's that it's changing so bloody fast..

News From The Land Of The Bizarre

2007-10-07T02:54:00.000-04:00

Cops Arrest 11-Year-Old Driving A Car At Over 100mph.

Apparently his parents have been letting him drive for six months.

That's it. No editorialising. I think the article is unbelievable enough as it is.

Friday Rodent And Cat Blogging

2007-10-05T23:50:00.000-04:00

Cats And Laundry: Innocent Flirtation Or Sinister Obsession?

DOOMBREED HOUSEHOLD: FRIDAY

Laundry day brings much that is not fun, but watching Loki play is definitely a plus. He even climbs into the laundry basket to make himself comfortable amongst the clothes:

Once the clothes have been bagged up and await transport to the laundry room, Loki watches over them with care:

However, this playful fun hides a much darker secret, as our reporter uncovered the shocking truth. Cats worship laundry. Using a secret hidden camera our reporter went undercover to get the following disturbing images.

Here we see a cat clearly bowing down to the pile of fresh laundry, prostrating in worship:

And here, an adherent leads his followers in a hymn of praise for the lemony-fresh scent:

And finally, in what appears to be a ritual cleansing, one worshiper takes a bath, right on the clothes:

The revelations have caused a stir in the Doombreed household.

A spokesperson for the household's rodent constituency said "I don't want that laundry-worshiping freak anywhere near me.

"Although that's got more to do with his dagger-like claws and nasty teeth - not to mention his homicidal nature - than his religion" she went on. "But you've got to admit that praying to a bunch of clothes is just loopy."

At time of press, the cat constituency had refused to comment on the pictures.

Oh bugger..

2007-10-02T20:57:00.000-04:00

The new BBC catalogue arrived today, which means I'm going to spend a while looking through it at all of the things I miss.. Only Fools And Horses.. Are You Being Served?.. The Young Ones.. Dad's Army.. Last of the Summer Wine.. Carry On.. The Avengers.. The New Statesman.. Monty Python.. The Day Of The Triffids.. Dangermouse.. Cadfael.. The Sweeney.. both Basil Rathbone and Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes..

They just don't make telly like that anymore.

At least there's still Dr Who.

And I'll have to reminisce quietly because Mrs Doombreed is sick.

Must go.

Bengals 13-34 Patriots

2007-10-01T23:36:00.000-04:00

Well, it was bad enough watching the Bengals get beaten. It was worse that it was the fuckin' Patriots.

But even worse was the chronic masturbation that was going on in the commentator's booth.

These guys were jerking themselves off just as hard as they could.

I am sick and tired of hearing about how the Patriot's cheating doesn't tarnish the team or its victories.

Hey, guess what? They cheated. If that doesn't tarnish a team, I'd like to see what does.

I'm sick and tired of hearing these commentators wanking off about how the players support their coach.

Yeah, so they players stand behind their coach when he's caught cheating? What does that say about them? That they approve. It's that simple. They approve of cheating. This wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an error, it wasn't a lapse in judgment, the coach knowingly and deliberately - despite that ridiculous "misunderstanding of the rules" excuse - set out to cheat and the players are okay with that.

I'm sick and tired of hearing that the filming "didn't provide any competitive advantage" because it was "for later use".

Yeah, and how naive do you have to be to believe this was the first time they'd done it just because it was the first time they'd been caught?

And how naive do you have to be to believe that they've stopped? Oh, they may not be filming any more, but I'd bet even money that all that that means is they've stopped filming. I'd bet they've probably still got someone watching through binoculars and making notes or something.

I'm sick and tired of hearing that this is all a storm in a teacup because Bill Belichick and the Patriots were just doing what it takes to be competitive.

I don't care if being an NFL coach is a tough and competitive job. I don't care if coaches are under pressure to use every available means to win. I don't care. I don't care. Play the fucking game or don't bother showing up.

I'm not hating. The Patriots are a great team, very talented. Tom Brady may be the single best Quarterback playing at the moment. It's certainly an argument that can be made. But like the Argentinians of the eighties, the fact that they are so talented just makes the cheating all the harder to swallow.

I'm a believer in the philosophy that it's better to lose a game playing fair than it is to win cheating. Maybe I'm too old fashioned that way. Maye I'm too British that way. Maybe there's so much money in the game that the rulebook is slowly becoming irrelevant. Maybe it's okay to cheat. Maybe it's only a matter of time before Belichick positions a sniper on the roof of the stadium to take out opposing receivers.

After all, he's only doing what it takes to win.

But, tonight, I'm most sick and tired of hearing about how wonderful the Patriots are because they're beating a Bengals team that is at less than half strength, decimated by injury.

Yeah, what a triumph.

1-3.

Friday Cat Blogging

2007-09-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

It seems that Selene has been giving Loki lessons in how to give the stinkeye.

Just look at that expression..

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-09-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

It took me 3.46 seconds longer than the mandated time to provide a pumpkin seed earlier, so Selene is.. not happy..

Crazy Belated Everything Post

2007-09-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

Between celebrating our anniversary (yay!), watching the Bengals get thrashed (crap!) and going back to work (boo!) things have slid a little around here, so this is a catch-up post.

First:

Friday Rodent Blogging

Selene would like a moment for rebuttal, in re the question of the happiest match, and would like to submit gerbil and pumpkin seed as a contender.

Friday Cat Blogging

Attack! Attack the hand! Kill! Kill! Kill!

The Anglo-Saxon Project

This is the latest. The green stuff (kneadatite) arrived and progress was made. I started with just the helmet and the neck piece, leaving the sides and face mask 'till later. For reasons that aren't fully clear, even to me, I also added the crest. With some tidying, I should be able to finish this in about.. a year or two.

Actually, one more session should see it near done.

The Anglo-Saxon Project

2007-09-21T08:44:00.001-04:00

Here's a modest update:

I've gone about as far as I can do with this until my supply of green stuff arrives.

I started with this figure:

This is basically a standard Praetorian Lieutenant model, but I had already reshaped the sword, making it a powersword rather than a chainsword. I needed to strip the paint from the model and do some more work:

I removed the sword's handguard and reshaped the blade into a short sword. I am considering reshaping the blade further in order to give it the distinctive Anglo-Saxon tapered look. I then ground the helmet and face down to give me a nice base to work on.

And that, pending kneadatite, is all folks.

Apart from the name. The British Museum site plays it coy about the identity of the helm's owner, but the Sutton Hoo site declares him to be Rædwald, King of East Anglia and later, one of the most powerful figures in Anglo-Saxon history.

Accordingly, this character shall be called Major Rædwald, 22nd regiment, Praetorian Guard.

This Week's Impossible Dream

2007-09-17T13:41:00.000-04:00

Here's a nice picture:

If you're from England, I probably don't have to tell you what that is. But for those not from The Centre Of The Universe, or for those to whom history is merely something that happens to other people, that is the Anglo-Saxon helmet discovered at Sutton Hoo, now on display at the British Museum. The Sutton Hoo burial mound was first excavated in 1939 and a wealth of treasures were unearthed from an unidentified Anglo-Saxon king's burial ship.

This helmet has fascinated me ever since I saw the original as a schoolkid. I love the look of the piece.

The British Museum also has this replica, made by the Tower Of London Armouries, which shows the helmet in all of its original glory:

The trip down memory lane that led to the British Museum's website also sowed the seed of a mad idea now germinating inside the fizzing fireworks display that I sometimes, but not often, call my mind.

I have a spare Praetorian Lieutenant model. And that helmet would look just awesome on him.

Yes..

And I have the week off work..

I'll get back to you if there is any progress.

All images © Trustees of the British Museum.

Blogger Play

2007-09-16T01:59:00.000-04:00

Blogger has a new feature, where you can sit and watch the pictures that are currently being uploaded.

It's called Blogger Play and it's strangely compelling. Be careful, though. There's no filter and sometimes people post pictures that are a little.. ah.. near the knuckle..

Friday Cat Blogging

2007-09-14T23:58:00.000-04:00

Ah, fresh laundry and cat. Is there a happier match in this world?

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-09-14T23:57:00.000-04:00

This week we present, via a cool feature on our picture editing software, Selene as a comic book character.

Wonder if Marvel is looking for a new title?

Our Lord, Who Art In London..

2007-09-14T23:50:00.000-04:00

From our You Cannot Make This Shit Up desk comes the story that HRH Prince Phillip is God.

So HRH Prince Charles is Jesus, right?

Hat tip to Simon.

Bengals 27-20 Ravens

2007-09-10T22:53:00.000-04:00

What a rollercoaster this was. Yep, the NFL's back, and the opener at Paul Brown Stadium was a heart-in-mouth sweatfest. Right down to the wire, thanks to some dodgy foul calls granting the Ravens nine attempts to get into the end zone from spitting distance ending in one beautiful interception.

Fantastic.

On to other news:

Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett suffered a fractured spine in yesterday's game with the Denver Broncos. Today's news is not a good. Everett suffered a fracture dislocation between the third and fourth cervical vertebrae and, according to team orthopedist Dr Andrew Cappuchino, "the third cervical vertebra had translocated completely over the front of the fourth cervical vertebra causing a scissoring effect on the spinal cord."

Everett underwent surgery to relieve the pressure, where the two vertebrae in question were fused together. The injury could still potentially prove lethal, and more will be known in the next three days.

Here's hoping he pulls through.

And, just to finish off.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I intensely dislike the New England Patriots. They're loud-mouthed, big-headed, and they cheat. A lot.

And now they've been caught.

Hoo-bloody-ray.

Friday Rodent Blogging (Belated)

2007-09-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

Selene, upset that the c-word got a video last week, wanted her own. Selene Productions Inc proudly presents The Great Pumpkin Seed Rescue, a short movie where our heroine bravely rescues a pumpkin seed from The Big Giant Hand and whisks it to safety.

Friday Cat Blogging (Belated)

2007-09-08T15:05:00.000-04:00

Loki, in extreme close-up.

Oh no they didn't...

2007-09-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

More proof, as if that were needed, that Australians are completely and utterly barking mad, whilst, at the same time, have balls of steel, emerged today.

Via AMERICAblog to Crooks and Liars comes the story of how a bunch of Australian comediens waltzed through the security surrounding US President George Bush - which costs AU$1million per hour - with one of their number dressed like Osama bin Laden:

The comedians, from a show called The Chaser's War On Everything take an honest Aussie's dislike for everything in authority and take it to the max:

Yes. The story is worrying. It is worrying that a AU$1million per hour security force could be that piss-poor. Don't lose sight of that.

And, notice the pattern. The government ends up with egg on its face, but the comedians end up in jail.

Judge says "I hate everybody"

2007-09-05T06:05:00.000-04:00

And the draconian society marches on. Now Lord Justice Sedley says that everyone who lives - or even just visits - the UK should have their DNA taken and stored on the national DNA database, which is already the largest in the world.

You may want to think on that. The UK has a population of 60m people. The USA has 300m. That's five times more. Yet the UK has more DNA profiles on record than the USA.

And Sedley isn't the first to suggest this horrific breach of privacy. In 2006, Tony Blair made a similar proposal.

We can only be grateful that, at least, those north of the border still have their testicles and, what's even more encouraging, they still have hair on them. Not only did the Scottish government reject Sedley's idea, but DNA from those arrested must be destroyed if they are not prosecuted.

Real men wear kilts it seems, and give up their DNA for no man.

This makes me glad I don't live in the UK. They can have my DNA when they drain it from my cold, dead veins.

Clowns KKKick KKK ass!

2007-09-04T07:21:00.000-04:00

This may be the single greatest news story in the history of mankind.

Wife power!

The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-09-03T01:08:00.000-04:00

Third in the series. You know the drill. If you didn't like the first two, why would you go see the third?

Okay, The Bourne Ultimatum. Third movie about the rogue assassin Jason Bourne, based upon The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum. I stress that The Bourne Ultimatum isn't based upon the book of the same name (and neither was The Bourne Supremacy based upon the second book in the series), because the first movie departed so radically from the book's storyline that the second and third installments just wouldn't have made sense as written.

I loved the books. The books are incredible. The films, though different in many ways, are almost as good.

There is, as with the first two, one flaw. Shakicam. It's like the opposite of Steadicam. It's where many scenes are shot from a shaking camera, as though filmed by an amateur using a hand-held whilst sitting on a massage chair. I guess there's supposed to be some aspect of this that lends gritty realism to the movie that I am simply too unsophisticated to grasp, in my ignorance of the director's art, but it annoys the hell out of me. If I wanted to see the action wobbling all over the place I'd consume a bottle of fine Scotch before watching, and have a much more pleasurable experience for it.

Seriously, it's not big and it's not clever. Hold the bloody camera steady.

The movie itself is excellent. The storyline is gripping, the action is thrilling, and Matt Damon as Jason Bourne is as violently endearing as ever. The movie is a fitting continuation of the Bourne narrative.

Oh. Continuation? Yeah, there's a fourth and fifth book - The Bourne Legacy and The Bourne Betrayal - so it's even money that there may be one more film at least. I haven't read, nor do I have plans to read, these new books because they are not written by Ludlum, but by Eric Van Lustbader, and such projects are, in my experience, invariably disappointing.

This movie is, though, worth your time.

Doombreed Rating: * * * *

Carnival Of The Godless

2007-09-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

The latest Carnival Of The Godless is up at AtheistFAQ.

And look! That's me on there. I submitted the piece I wrote about an atheist symbol and lo, it was good...

Must tidy up.. We've got company coming..

Friday Cat Blogging

2007-09-02T10:58:00.000-04:00

Thanks to some trouble with Blogger's new video feature (which I eventually had to abandon in favour of using the ever outstanding photobucket), FRB and FCB were a little delayed. My humblest apologies.

CAT! LASER! HOURS OF FUN!

(No, your computer isn't broken, my camera doesn't record sound.)

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-09-01T09:06:00.000-04:00

Selene is not happy about being photographed whilst eating. Not happy at all.

In The Grim Darkness Of The Far Future There Is Only.. Lego?

2007-08-31T00:04:00.000-04:00

Via Bullymike at 40kology comes Jerac's Lego Site, a place where one man melds 40k with small plastic bricks..

Fantastic. Utter genius.

Warhammer 40,000: Apocalypse

2007-08-30T10:12:00.000-04:00

Games Workshop have a new expansion for the venerable 40k game on the way. It's called Warhammer 40,000: Apocalypse and it deals with truly large scale games.

And it has miniatures to boot.

Seeing as I'm an IG player, here are the new IG releases in order of how much I would cut off of my body in order to get them:

Baneblade - Any three body parts (with the exception of head and genitalia) and any two facial features.*
Emperor's Talons - Any three limbs and any one facial feature.
Leman Russ Squadron - Both legs and left arm.
Basilisk Battery - Any two limbs, provided both arms are not taken.
Emperor's Fist Tank Company - Left arm and left leg.
Armoured Fist Squad - Any one limb.
Emperor's Wrath Artillery Company - Left hand or either foot.
New Commissars - Left thumb and forefinger for the one with the powerfist and book, left middle finger for the one with the bolt pistol, or left hand for all three.

The observant will notice that the Ogryns are missing from the above list. The reason for this is simple. They suck. In fact, if you've got a moment, they suck so hard that small children may need some sort of safety harness when near them, lest they be sucked right in to the suckyness. The Bone'ead is not too bad, but even he sucks mightily.

I might accept the Ogryns, were someone to give them to me free with, say, a pint of caramel ice cream and a twelve pack of Boddingtons.

*These are not serious offers. Please do not send pictures of yourself holding one of these items and an invitation to "start cutting". Take it for what it is, a joke about just how droolworthy those new items are. The fact that I feel the need to add this speaks volumes about the Internet.

Friday Cat Blogging

2007-08-25T00:56:00.000-04:00

Loki, playing with his favourite toy - the yellow-fluffy-ball-that-boings - shows his not-so-cute side with those claws.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-08-25T00:53:00.000-04:00

Selene, worried by the news that there is a c-word in the house, checks on her security precautions.

Fans need not worry, she is safe.

Ricky Gervais On Creationism

2007-08-24T11:11:00.000-04:00

Hi-larious:

We've Been Adpoted!

2007-08-22T09:04:00.001-04:00

This is Loki, relaxing as only a cat can:

Loki befriended Mrs Doombreed the other day and we took him in. He's housebroken and friendly, but he's almost depressingly thin so it seems obvious that someone has kicked him out.

Here he is awake, but still more relaxed than I could manage:

Here he is using Mrs Doombreed as an impromptu cat bed:

And finally, an obscure Kentucky State Law, passed in the late nineteenth century, requires that anyone posting pictures of a cat on a blog must, on pain of "being paddled with a wet haddock" post at least one picture of said cat with a ball of wool:

So, Friday Cat Blogging will join Friday Rodent Blogging as your source for all things cute.

An Atheist Symbol

2007-08-18T11:53:00.000-04:00

Even the less observant readers will have noticed that prominent red letter "A" decorating the sidebar beneath the picture of the devilishly handsome rogue who is sleeping with my wife.

It's okay, though. I'm sleeping with the devilishly handsome rogue's wife, too. And she's hot.

Anyway. The "A".

It's the symbol of Richard Dawkins' OUT campaign, which seeks to encourage atheists to get loud and proud.

I first heard about it over at Pharyngula, where the usual argument ensued.

It is, indeed, true that getting atheists to do anything together is like herding cats. It stands to reason, if we were inclined to run with the crowd, we'd be religious.

Anyway, the usual problems with any symbol designed to represent atheism were raised.

First, that it's an "A". Whilst the word for atheist begins with an "A" in most languages, there are some in which it does not, and, of course, there are those languages which do not use the Latin alphabet, so "A" doesn't represent the word atheism everywhere.

Second, the "A" doesn't really represent atheism. It's just the first letter of the word, it doesn't really represent us or what we are.

Then there's the fact that it's a scarlet letter. Yeah, we get the whole "ironic twist" thing, but some aren't comfortable with it.

The atom symbol favoured by American Atheists is often rejected by non-Americans for that same reason, that it represents American atheists.

Some propose using the "no" sign (red circle with a slash through it), usually over a crucifix or collection of religious symbols. Most reject this, as do I, because it makes a statement about what we are not, rather than what we are.

Others favour the null set symbol "{}", but to me, that seems in need of too much explanation.

Still, mindful of the "put up or shut up" philosophy of life, I decided to see about designing an atheist symbol that addresses these issues.

I decided to work to the following requirements:

1) It must represent what atheism is, not what it is not.

2) It must either be understandable in any language, or translatable into any language without spoiling the integrity of the symbol.

3) It must be reasonably easy to understand with, if necessary, only the minimum amount of explanation.

Here's what I came up with:

One of the things I remember from school biology class is that there's this cool machine that makes squigly patterns when you connect it to peoples' heads.

Don't mind me, I'm just playing dumb.

It's called an EEG, and there is a visible difference between the pattern generated by a sleeping subject and that generated by an awake subject.

There is also a marked difference between a person who is relaxed, and a person who is thinking cognitively (which means thinking about stuff as opposed to thinking about an object they can see).

The latter are called Gamma waves and, thanks to the nice people at the Wikimedia commons, here is an example:

So, this is what it looks like when you think about stuff. What more perfect symbol could there be? This, in fact, is your brain on atheism. It's a little big, though. So I snipped an interesting looking bit out of the middle and, just because my blog has a black background, made it yellow-on-black:

Nice. It's like.. thought.. pictured..

Ahem.

Anyway, it's a little obscure, but no more so than a Crucifix or a Star of David would be if you didn't already know what they were.

Okay, if you want, I'll add the word "Atheist" underneath:

Or, in French:

Swedish:

Finnish:

Greek:

Arabic:

Japanese:

You get the point. It's nice on its own, or you can put atheist in any language on there. You could put "freethinker" or "bright", if you favour those terms. You can put "my mind, my choice" if you're feeling subtly humourous, or "don't pray in my school and I won't think in your church" if you're feeling a little more in-your-face.

So, I extend the challenge:

Put up or shut up.

If you're an atheist and you don't like the symbols being used, come up with one of your own. See if you can convince anyone to use it.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-08-18T00:35:00.000-04:00

Selene, once again, out and about, touring her kingdom in The Rolling Ball Of Death™

Carnival Of The Godless

2007-08-16T22:09:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a few days, what with both Mrs Doombreed and I working so bloody hard. Still, I thought I'd better pop my hear around the door and say hi.

Atheist Revolution has the latest Carnival Of The Godless. So I have some reading to do.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-08-11T00:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what I've done, but Selene is giving me the cold shoulder.

Storm Troopers!

2007-08-10T00:50:00.000-04:00

Here are some nice, close-up pics of my Storm Trooper squad, taken for painting competition entry over at 40K Online.

Sergeant, Flamer, Grenade Launcher, and Random Guy Who Just Happens To Be Carrying The Spare Ammo For The Grenade Launcher.

The Three Shooters. Guys taking aim. Clearly they were never taught the rule about all models in a unit shooting at the same target. Either that or they're surrounded by one really big enemy unit.

And the Three Guys Who Aren't Aiming At Anything Much, though the guy in the back does seem to have taken an interest in the guy who is standing in front of him. He, in fact, seems to be giving his behind a nice, long look.

Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

Sharpshooters!

2007-08-07T00:04:00.001-04:00

The first of my Praetorian Royal Marine Sharpshooter teams is done:

Front:

Spotter:

Sniper:

The other two teams will be individually based, but I thought that putting these two on a large base was appropriate. More on this unit as it develops.

The Simpsons Movie

2007-08-05T19:37:00.000-04:00

The ever delectable Mrs Doombreed and I went to see The Simpsons Movie today, and it was good.

I'll start with the standard disclaimer:

If you've seen The Simpsons on telly and didn't like it, don't go to see this movie.

It is the same as an episode of the series, only more so. Homer is Homer, Marge is Marge, Bart is Bart, Lisa is Lisa, and Maggie is Maggie. Get the picture?

The Simpsons Movie is hilarious, from the opening 20th Century Fox fanfare (performed by Ralph Wiggum) to the various jokes peppered through the closing credits. There may never be a funnier Spider-Man reference than Spider-Pig. Tom Hanks may never get to do anything else that's even 1% as funny as his cameo in this movie. You may never look at the EPA the same way again. Almost every side-character in the series pops up here somewhere, doing something, usually something very funny.

Marge says a bad word. It's a word that will be more shocking to American audiences than to, say, English audiences, but it's a bad word nonetheless.

We loved it.

Doombreed Rating: * * * * * 1/2

Doombreed's Collection Of Pointy Bits Of Metal

2007-08-04T23:49:00.000-04:00

Mrs Doombreed has made many comments about my collection of knives sitting around and doing nothing, so I mounted some of them on the bedroom wall, where they look rather spiffing, if I do say so myself.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-08-04T00:31:00.000-04:00

Selene bravely fights off an attack from the giant cardboard tube monster.

10 Proofs Against God

2007-08-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

The Stubborn Curmudgeon takes a long, serious look at the scientific evidence for belief in a deity.

Check it out.

A Great Family Day Out

2007-08-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

Those nice people over at BlueGrassRoots went for a quick squint at that ridiculous Creation Museum (yes it is, no it's not) and came back with a very entertaining story and some hilarious pics.

Take a squint yourself.

Mike Reid 1940-2007

2007-07-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

We at Legal Alien wish to pay our respects to a great man, Mike Reid who died at the age of 67.

Whilst Mr Reid will probably be most remembered for his work on the BBC soap East Enders, my fondest memories of him will always be his unbelievably hilarious stand-up shows. Reid had an impeccable sense of timing, a tremendous stage presence, and an uncanny ability to tell an old joke like it was the funniest thing on Earth. Whilst his shows were invariably adult-oriented, he never descended into the realms of crude obscenity that marked so many of his contemporaries.

He will be sadly missed, and those who were and are fans of his comedy will always wonder just what exactly a "dry slap" is.

'Ave some of tha-at.

Rest in peace, old friend. You've earned it.

Friday Rodent Blogging

2007-07-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

Selene, looking cuter than a cute steak marinated in cute sauce with extra cute on the side, poses for her weekly column.

Paint Day 26/07/07

2007-07-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

An unexpected, but welcome paint day today allowed me to do some magic with my airbrush.

First, I added a very light dusting of tan to the objective marker, which makes the sand look so much more realistic, and gives the hatch a nice weathered look:

Next, I experimented with a camouflage scheme for my sentinel:

And the same on my chimera:

Annoyingly, they both look way better up close than the photos would lead you to believe. Still, they are WIP shots, and they'll look better with details added.

Paint Day 24/07/07

2007-07-24T21:49:00.001-04:00

Paint Day was, frankly, a bit slow. I made some progress on my Royal Marine sharpshooters, I managed to get my airbrush working, so some progress was made on my sentinel, but the only thing that was finished was one of my objective markers, the hatch marker: