Dear Patriots Fan,
I don't - in most cases - know your name, just the various online handles you use in various chatrooms, message boards and forums. Be it PatriotsFan, bradyisgod, patsrule2007, or whatever else you could come up with, you are the gestalt entity which has earned the ire of NFL fandom.
For almost 5 months now you've been strutting around like the cock of the walk, secure in your team's dominance of the NFL, confidently and arrogantly predicting the perfect season. With nary a glance towards spelling, and a barely a brush with grammar, we've had to hear about how the team from New England are "the graetest in the histry of the game".
Sometimes you seem to have a keyboard without a working shift key, as capital letters elude you, even in your beloved QB "tom bradey".
Also apparent, and almost as often, is your tenuous grasp of punctuation. Great long paragraphs of bile and shameless fawning, broken by not a single comma or full stop, declaring for all the world "I am an ignorant bastard and I am either so stupid as to be unaware of it, or simply arrogant enough to be proud of it," or, as you would put it, "im dum n i dont care."
You've dismissed mention of the Patriots long-time cheating as "haters" and ignored any attempt to discuss relative merits or historical evidence.
No, this season you've made being a fan of any other team a frustrating experience.
And now you're going to whine because it's all coming back on you?
Karma's a bitch.
Yes, you lost.
The Lord High-And-Mighty, Master Of The Comeback, Great And Powerful Engineer Of The Last-Minute Game-Winning Drive, The Golden Boy, The Man Himself, "tom bradey", couldn't hit a cow's arse with a shovel at the end of that game because the Giants had been doing exactly what fans around the league have been saying for months: plow the field with Brady's face.
I'll leave the analysis for another time. But we were right, you were wrong: Any team that rattles Brady beats the Patriots.
But you refuse to even acknowledge the loss. There are rumblings of cheating, rumblings of biased refs. How absurd.
You lost. You've spent 5 months giving it out, and now it's time for you to take it.
And, yes, that means from everybody. Even Dolphins fans have the right to mock you for your stupidity.
All the jokes, all the ribbing, the names, the insults, these are your due. Take it like a man, even if that means most of you will have to fake it.
Maybe, like the sword going to the forge, this experience will help you. It may be next year, it may be in ten years time, but the next time your "pats" go 7-0, 8-0, 10-0, 12-0, perhaps you'll reserve judgment because you've seen how the mighty can fall.
Maybe, in a future season, if your "pats" go 18-0 to the Superbowl again, even then, maybe - just maybe - you'll hold your tongue and stay away from the message boards with your ridiculous guarantees and silly hyperbole.
Maybe, next time the "pats" start building a nice undefeated season, and the idiots swarm out of the woodwork to take possession of the Superbowl on week 7, you'll be one of the calm heads cautioning patience and wisdom.
And maybe this experience will make you a better friend, a better fan, and a better person.
Maybe.
See you next season.
And remember, 31 coaches now have the Patriots' number, thanks to the Giants.
Showing posts with label 2007. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2007. Show all posts
1.1.08
Giants Beat Patriots, NFL Beats Giants.
In a stunning display of skill and dignity the New York Giants refused to lay down and play dead on Saturday night.
In the final game of the NFL's regular season, the Giants faced off against the New England Patriots who, as reported previously on Legal Alien were awarded the undefeated season and this year's Superbowl before the first game was played. The 10-5 Giants were going to lose, it had been decided, but nobody could force them to make it easy.
For three straight quarters the Giants destroyed the Patriots on both sides of the ball. The Patriots' shambolic offense could barely manage to put up a decent drive, and the Giants were carving up the defense like they were amateurs. The Patriots opening drive ended with the team settling for a field goal, in answer to the Giants opening touchdown.
After a nicely orchestrated penalty saved the Patriots from going three-and-out, they managed to stumble down the field for a touchdown, giving them their only legitimate lead of the game.
NY lead 21-16 at the half and 28-23 at the end of the 3rd quarter.
At this point the Giants felt that they'd made their point - that they could easily have beaten the Patriots if they'd chosen to - they obeyed their orders from the NFL and stopped playing.
The change was marked and incredible. It was like the Giants went home and sent the Miami Dolphins (1-15) out in their uniforms to play the final quarter.
Even then, the Giants thumbed their nose at the Patriots with an easy touchdown in the closing minutes of the game to keep things close and give the NFL a scare.
Life-long Giants fan James Edmondsen said after the game, "It's a shame that we weren't allowed to win, but if we meet those bitches in the Superbowl, it's on.
"All bets are off," he continued, "the league can kiss my ass."
Dallas Cowboys fan Jake Phillips echoed the sentiment, "We had the Patriots on the run when the guys in black and white stepped in. In the Superbowl, we own them."
Morton Braithwaite, follower of the Philadelphia Eagles, said, "I hate the Giants like I hate the Cowboys, but if they get to the Superbowl, you bet I'll be a fan. Anyone who gets revenge on the Patriots is fine by me.
"Screw the NFL," he added.
This article, again, is a parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously. No quotes attributed to any person, named or unnamed, are real. The contents of this article do not, to the best of my knowledge, represent the actual truth behind the farce that was the 2007 season.
In the final game of the NFL's regular season, the Giants faced off against the New England Patriots who, as reported previously on Legal Alien were awarded the undefeated season and this year's Superbowl before the first game was played. The 10-5 Giants were going to lose, it had been decided, but nobody could force them to make it easy.
For three straight quarters the Giants destroyed the Patriots on both sides of the ball. The Patriots' shambolic offense could barely manage to put up a decent drive, and the Giants were carving up the defense like they were amateurs. The Patriots opening drive ended with the team settling for a field goal, in answer to the Giants opening touchdown.
After a nicely orchestrated penalty saved the Patriots from going three-and-out, they managed to stumble down the field for a touchdown, giving them their only legitimate lead of the game.
NY lead 21-16 at the half and 28-23 at the end of the 3rd quarter.
At this point the Giants felt that they'd made their point - that they could easily have beaten the Patriots if they'd chosen to - they obeyed their orders from the NFL and stopped playing.
The change was marked and incredible. It was like the Giants went home and sent the Miami Dolphins (1-15) out in their uniforms to play the final quarter.
Even then, the Giants thumbed their nose at the Patriots with an easy touchdown in the closing minutes of the game to keep things close and give the NFL a scare.
Life-long Giants fan James Edmondsen said after the game, "It's a shame that we weren't allowed to win, but if we meet those bitches in the Superbowl, it's on.
"All bets are off," he continued, "the league can kiss my ass."
Dallas Cowboys fan Jake Phillips echoed the sentiment, "We had the Patriots on the run when the guys in black and white stepped in. In the Superbowl, we own them."
Morton Braithwaite, follower of the Philadelphia Eagles, said, "I hate the Giants like I hate the Cowboys, but if they get to the Superbowl, you bet I'll be a fan. Anyone who gets revenge on the Patriots is fine by me.
"Screw the NFL," he added.
* * * *
This article, again, is a parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously. No quotes attributed to any person, named or unnamed, are real. The contents of this article do not, to the best of my knowledge, represent the actual truth behind the farce that was the 2007 season.
18.7.07
You Know You're Getting Old When...
...Auntie Beeb lists the twelve finalists for the 2007 Mercury Music Prize, and you haven't heard of a single one.
25.2.07
Supernova 1987A
This month marks the 20th anniversary of the first time modern humans had been able to observe a supernova. Supernova 1987A actually occurred around 168,000 years beforehand, that's how long it took the light to reach us, but the remnant dust cloud is, today, one of the most studied astronomical objects.
Okay, enough of the plagiarising from Wikipedia.
Whilst searching for pics (there's a ton of cool pics here), I found this site.
Wow. Grasping for straws, much?
The site starts out promising, then devolves into a desperate attempt to find some way - any way - in which this hugely important event was predicted by The Bible or other "ancient texts".
Apparently:
Matthew 6:22 " If your eye be single your body will fill with light.
.. is somehow is a prediction of 1987A. As is:
Genesis 32:30 " I have seen God face to face and I will call the place Peniel.
I have to say, on behalf of the thinking audience, "What in the square root of bloody fuck are you talking about?"
Read the site. Watch out for the "perfect" fit between a picture of the "Hour Glass Nebula" and an old geometric pattern, and look closely, because it's not that much of a fit at all. Also notice the gross misrepresentation of the function of the pineal gland. And then marvel as it spirals out of control into areas where connections just become all the more insubstantial until we conclude, apparently, that 1987A is some form of divine hormone producer.
Or something.
Then join me in giving up long before you reach the bottom, but before you do, scroll down a ways and marvel at the nerve of a person including a quote from Carl Sagan in such gibberish.
What an insult to the man's memory.
Okay, enough of the plagiarising from Wikipedia.
Whilst searching for pics (there's a ton of cool pics here), I found this site.
Wow. Grasping for straws, much?
The site starts out promising, then devolves into a desperate attempt to find some way - any way - in which this hugely important event was predicted by The Bible or other "ancient texts".
Apparently:
Matthew 6:22 " If your eye be single your body will fill with light.
.. is somehow is a prediction of 1987A. As is:
Genesis 32:30 " I have seen God face to face and I will call the place Peniel.
I have to say, on behalf of the thinking audience, "What in the square root of bloody fuck are you talking about?"
Read the site. Watch out for the "perfect" fit between a picture of the "Hour Glass Nebula" and an old geometric pattern, and look closely, because it's not that much of a fit at all. Also notice the gross misrepresentation of the function of the pineal gland. And then marvel as it spirals out of control into areas where connections just become all the more insubstantial until we conclude, apparently, that 1987A is some form of divine hormone producer.
Or something.
Then join me in giving up long before you reach the bottom, but before you do, scroll down a ways and marvel at the nerve of a person including a quote from Carl Sagan in such gibberish.
What an insult to the man's memory.
5.2.07
Superbowl XLI
4th Quarter - do or die time.
The Bud "crab worship" ad kicked off the 4th. Great stuff.
Stat Attack - Colts' Marvin Harrison is the only player in NFL history with 8 straight seasons of 1,000+ receiving yards and 10+ TDs.
11.44 to go in the 4th. Colts' Kelvin Hayden intercepted and ran back for a TD. 29-17
Stat Attack:
That was the 10th interception for TD in Superbowl history, and this was Hayden's first ever TD.
Stat Attack:
No team in Superbowl history has ever come back from a 10pt+ deficit.
Stat Attack:
Thanks to another interception, this is Rex Grossman's 7th multi-interception game this season.
Stat Attack:
This is the first time in Superbowl history that an officiating team has included a pair of brothers.
We're at the 2 minute warning...
...and it's over.
Colts win 29-17.
This was a very enjoyable game, made all the better for having two such classy and dignified teams playing.
No posturing, no fighting, no cheating. Loved it.
And a special acknowledgement to Mrs Doombreed for producing a truly world-class Superbowl feast. Everything was outstanding.
And, apart from the Pro Bowl, that's American Football done for a few months.
Congratulations to the Colts, commiserations to the Bears.
The Bud "crab worship" ad kicked off the 4th. Great stuff.
Stat Attack - Colts' Marvin Harrison is the only player in NFL history with 8 straight seasons of 1,000+ receiving yards and 10+ TDs.
11.44 to go in the 4th. Colts' Kelvin Hayden intercepted and ran back for a TD. 29-17
Stat Attack:
That was the 10th interception for TD in Superbowl history, and this was Hayden's first ever TD.
Stat Attack:
No team in Superbowl history has ever come back from a 10pt+ deficit.
Stat Attack:
Thanks to another interception, this is Rex Grossman's 7th multi-interception game this season.
Stat Attack:
This is the first time in Superbowl history that an officiating team has included a pair of brothers.
We're at the 2 minute warning...
...and it's over.
Colts win 29-17.
This was a very enjoyable game, made all the better for having two such classy and dignified teams playing.
No posturing, no fighting, no cheating. Loved it.
And a special acknowledgement to Mrs Doombreed for producing a truly world-class Superbowl feast. Everything was outstanding.
And, apart from the Pro Bowl, that's American Football done for a few months.
Congratulations to the Colts, commiserations to the Bears.
4.2.07
Superbowl XLI
Stat Alert: Superbowl XLI 1st half miscues:
5 fumbles - all lost;
Manning interception on first possession;
Indianapolis failed PAT and missed field-goal;
Indianapolis allowed 92 yard kick-off return for TD.
The half-time show with Prince was totally pants.
2nd half:
7.21 left in the 3rd, and Vinatieri puts the Colts up 19-14.
Bud Light comes through again with the "Gorillas" spot. Funny.
But Taco Bell hits back with the "Lions" spot.
3.16 left in the 3rd and the Colts go ahead 22-14 on the boot of Adam Vinatieri.
Nationwide's "Kevin Federline" commercial, directly followed by Bud Light's "hitcher" commercial was almost too awesome for words.
1.14 left in the 3rd and Gould puts three more on the board for the Bears, bringing the game to 22-17.
End of 3rd quarter Colts up 22-17.
5 fumbles - all lost;
Manning interception on first possession;
Indianapolis failed PAT and missed field-goal;
Indianapolis allowed 92 yard kick-off return for TD.
The half-time show with Prince was totally pants.
2nd half:
7.21 left in the 3rd, and Vinatieri puts the Colts up 19-14.
Bud Light comes through again with the "Gorillas" spot. Funny.
But Taco Bell hits back with the "Lions" spot.
3.16 left in the 3rd and the Colts go ahead 22-14 on the boot of Adam Vinatieri.
Nationwide's "Kevin Federline" commercial, directly followed by Bud Light's "hitcher" commercial was almost too awesome for words.
1.14 left in the 3rd and Gould puts three more on the board for the Bears, bringing the game to 22-17.
End of 3rd quarter Colts up 22-17.
Superbowl XLI
2nd Quarter.
11.17 to go in the second and Adam Vinatieri slots home a neat field-goal to make it 14-9.
Bud steps up with a cutesy commercial involving a dog.
Incidently, to see the commercials, go to CBS.sportsline.com/superads.
6.09 to go in the 2nd and the Colts go ahead 16-14 thanks to a Rhodes rushing TD.
The Bud Light "slap" commercial is fantastic. Bud Light is winning this by a mile.
Stat Attack: Colts' Joseph Addai is the first rookie Running Back to start in a Superbowl since 1990.
At the end of the half, Vinatieri missed a field-goal, leaving it 16-14 Colts.
11.17 to go in the second and Adam Vinatieri slots home a neat field-goal to make it 14-9.
Bud steps up with a cutesy commercial involving a dog.
Incidently, to see the commercials, go to CBS.sportsline.com/superads.
6.09 to go in the 2nd and the Colts go ahead 16-14 thanks to a Rhodes rushing TD.
The Bud Light "slap" commercial is fantastic. Bud Light is winning this by a mile.
Stat Attack: Colts' Joseph Addai is the first rookie Running Back to start in a Superbowl since 1990.
At the end of the half, Vinatieri missed a field-goal, leaving it 16-14 Colts.
Superbowl XLI
Well, we're blogging live from the Superbowl.
Okay, from my couch, watching the Superbowl. I'm on my second beer and the Bears are up 7-0 thanks to an opening kickoff being run back. That's the first time in Superbowl history that an opening kickoff has been returned for a TD.
The ads so far are great, the pick being Blockbuster's petstore "clicking the mouse" spot.
Bud Light's "rock paper scissors" spot was pretty funny, too.
6.50 to go in the 1st and the Colts have pulled back to 7-6, thanks to a trademark Manning pass, and a muffed Point-After.
Ad update: Bud Light's "wedding auction" spot - hilarious.
And the Bears fumble the kickoff return, but the Colts are nice enough to give it right back to them.
4.34 to go in the 1st and the Bears score again, 14-6.
And Bud Light are 3 for 3 with Carlos Mencia in the "translation" spot.
End of the first quarter, Bears up by 8.
See you at the half.
Okay, from my couch, watching the Superbowl. I'm on my second beer and the Bears are up 7-0 thanks to an opening kickoff being run back. That's the first time in Superbowl history that an opening kickoff has been returned for a TD.
The ads so far are great, the pick being Blockbuster's petstore "clicking the mouse" spot.
Bud Light's "rock paper scissors" spot was pretty funny, too.
6.50 to go in the 1st and the Colts have pulled back to 7-6, thanks to a trademark Manning pass, and a muffed Point-After.
Ad update: Bud Light's "wedding auction" spot - hilarious.
And the Bears fumble the kickoff return, but the Colts are nice enough to give it right back to them.
4.34 to go in the 1st and the Bears score again, 14-6.
And Bud Light are 3 for 3 with Carlos Mencia in the "translation" spot.
End of the first quarter, Bears up by 8.
See you at the half.
1.1.07
Happy 2007 everyone
Well, today is New Years Day, so happy New Year to everyone. Here's hoping that 2007 is a good year for all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)