Hard Candy

Okay, it's this simple:

When a movie is so bad that it makes me sympathise with the paedophile, It really does suck.

Seriously, these storms recently? Caused by Hard Candy sucking so hard that it caused a depression, leading to high winds.

Really. Suck. Sucked. Hard.

Okay, the story goes that Jeff hangs around chat rooms looking for underage girls to foist himself upon. Hayley is 14. They meet. They go to his place. She spends way too long "getting revenge" for all the other girls.

Seriously. Paedophile. 14 year-old victim. The target of sympathies should be really easy here. But still, I wanted her dead. I wanted Jeff to break free and bash her stupid face in, even if just to shut her up.

I guess they were trying to do some sort of "tables-turned", "don't you feel dirty rooting for the child-fucker?" kind of game. But even that failed. The final "twist" was, I guess, supposed to make the viewers feel guilty for supporting the bad guy, but it failed miserably.

We were left not even knowing if Jeff really was a paedophile.

Hayley is boring, dull, and unemotional. Even when supposedly extracting revenge, it just comes out ... flat.

I don't know whether it was bad directing, bad script, or simply a very bad actress.

But whatever. It sucked.

And bad script? Hayley does all the running in the movie's opening scenes. It's she who suggests they meet. It's she who badgers Jeff into taking her back to his place. It's she who, when offered water goes and makes screwdrivers. Even Hayley's speech about "you're the adult" doesn't soften that crap. It gave voice to the standard paedophile's defence and then attempted to destroy it, but failed.

I guess there will be those who'll claim I missed the point. That it really was a searing indictment of whatever the hell. But I don't care.

This. Movie. Sucked.

Doombreed rating: 1/2. Barely.

Dr Who

The Sci Fi channel has just started showing the new Doctor Who series, and it is good.

Christopher Eccleston makes an excellent Doctor, kind of like a latter-day Tom Baker, similar irreverent sense of humour, just with a strong Lancastrian accent.

It shows great promise as a fitting continuation of one of the greatest sci-fi shows of all time*.

The fact that the first episode I saw – “The Long Game” – also starred Simon Pegg (He of Shaun Of The Dead and Spaced fame) was a great bonus.

*You may groan at the pun. I'm feeling generous.

Friday Rodent Blogging

"Man, it's way too early for this shit..."

Selene is having a bad fur day.

I may apply for citizenship after all..

Impact Guns are taking pre-orders for civilian-legal versions of the FN P-90, the gun featured in Stargate Sg:1.

The legal versions will come with a longer barrel, apparently so that the weapon, both in terms of overall length and in terms of barrel length, will be designated a rifle rather than a machine gun*.

Also restricted will be the armour-piercing rounds that were specifically designed for the P-90, but civilians will be able to buy standard 5.7mm ball rounds, easily enough for home defence or target shredding.

They just won't penetrate a Jaffa's armour.

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to settle for an airsoft version until I can buy one...

*It should be noted that, with appropriate documentation and processing by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the short-barrel version can also be yours.

Dildos don't thrill people, people thrill people

Hot on the trail of news that Grand Rapids (Michigan) is going to ban strip clubs (in similar legislation as that about to pass in Kentucky) comes the news that South Carolina is looking at banning sex toys:

Anderson Independent Mail:

"COLUMBIA - Lucy's Love Shop employee Wanda Gillespie said she was flabbergasted that South Carolina'’s Legislature is considering outlawing sex toys.

But banning the sale of sex toys is actually quite common in some Southern states.

The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses."

Seven other states already ban sex toys: Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Indiana, Texas, Louisiana and Virginia.

I sometimes find myself wondering if this is really the "land of the free" that I read about as a child.

Don't worry, I'm not about to start on some anti-southern states rant. I believe that the American people must govern themselves as they see fit, but it seems strange wasting legistalure's time on such an obviously religiously-motivated law when there are real problems out there.

I can see the rallying cry now:

You can have our dildos when you pry them from our cold, dead...

Lightsaber battle

This is fantastic.

From the site that has all the cool SW videos (including the hilarious Troops), TheForce.net.

News from the Land of the Bizarre

Okay, so this 45 year old guy puts up a sign in his yard saying that he wants to buy a 12-24 year old virgin, then wonders why his neighbours take offence.

What an idiot.

"'I'm just somebody who is getting up there in years, and I'm looking for a born-again, God-fearing virgin between the ages of 12 and 24 who can bear me children,' said Thelemann, who was divorced in 1989. 'What's the problem? I just think I have some wicked neighbors.'"

WFTV.com - News - Sign Offering To Buy Young Virgin Bride Angers Neighbors

Silent Hill

Silent Hill is, it should be bloody obvious, based on the games of the same title. Now, I played Silent Hill on the PlayStation, and the movie departs from the gameplay quite dramatically in places, but, strangely, this doesn't detract from the movie.

A lot of the locations, sound effects, characters and scenes will be chillingly familiar to those who played the game, but for all that, the Silent Hill in the movie is a different place to the town in the game.

The story revolves around Rose (Radha Mitchell) and her daughter, Sharon (Jodell Ferland). Sharon, an adopted child, has taken to sleepwalking and often, while doing so, mentions the name "Silent Hill." Rose decides - in a barely explained weak plot device - that a visit to the town might help Sharon with her nocturnal ramblings, even after she reads up on the town and finds out about its horrific past. 30 years ago, the town was evacuated when an underground fire broke out, killing many of the residents. Now, the town is still empty and the fire still rages.

Add in some typical "dark" crayon drawings by the distressed child and anyone with a brain knows going to Silent Hill is a really bad idea.

Rose's husband, Chris (Sean Bean), has a brain. That's why he tries to do everything to stop her, including indirectly involving Cybil (Laurie Holden), a motorcycle cop whose demeanour seems to not-so-subtly hint that she was absent the day heterosexuality was issued to the class, and whose outfit seems to not-so-subtly hint that she might enjoy an afternoon with those handcuffs and a willing submissive.

Rose has an accident, Sharon disappears, the sirens go off and Silent Hill goes to hell without even bothering to load up the handbasket.

As I said, devotees of the game will recognise much of what's on the screen and coming out of the speakers, and many will remember exactly why the game gave them the creeps in the first place. But don't expect a plot that mirrors anything you did with your controller.

There's a twist, albeit a none-too-subtle one, or two. There's a side story which starts when Chris arrives at Silent Hill looking for his wife, only to find the road blocked by Gucci (Kim Coates), a cop whose demeanour, dialogue, outfit and every facial expression seem to not-so-subtly hint that he knows way more than he's letting on.

Oh, and this, like V for Vendetta, will probably rank high on the fundy's list of "movies that hate Christianity", but telling you why would be a spoiler.

Oh yeah, and the critics hate it. So did Mrs Doombreed.

I smell cult classic.

The movie has more than its fair share of jump moments, gore moments, and downright unsettling use of special effects, including the rather horrific climax.

And, annoyingly, it seems to have been written with the sequel in mind and doesn't tie up enough of the loose ends.

But don't set your sights too high and you'll like it. In one major respect, Silent Hill the movie is just like Silent Hill the game, which was a more intelligent version of Resident Evil.

Doombreed rating: ****

An encounter with the God Squad

Man, I did something stereotypical today.

First, some background:

I was working a late shift today - 1530 to 0000 - and so I wanted to get a nice lay in. We got to bed around 0400 and anticipated a sleeping until around 1300.

This, it turned out, was not to be.

First, I had to rouse myself to answer the bellow of nature around 0930. Having done so, I climbed back into bed, intent on nothing more than snuggling up to the eminently snuggleable Mrs Doombreed and drifting back to sleep.

Then, just as I was crossing the bliss zone between awake and asleep, the 'phone rang. Awake again. Screw it, let the machine get it.

But then, the proverbial straw. Just as I was entering the bliss zone again, some git knocked on the door.

And we have no answering machine for the door.

Oh, but wait for the cherry (sorry about the mixed metaphor) on the cake. At the door, I discovered after struggling into clothes, was a pair of god-botherers from a local Baptist Church.

Now, I don't remember everything said. I do remember cutting off their spiel by telling them that I'm an atheist. I do remember that naive shocked look on the one guy's face as he said, incredulity in his voice, "you are?"

I also remember mentally daring them to start on me. Shit, I've got wide experience in handling fundies who think they can talk me out of my atheism, as if I've just been sitting around waiting for their specific input before casting reason to the wind and running to a church just as fast as my legs will carry me.

But I didn't want to get into all that garbage at that time, not because I was too tired to give a good account - even half asleep I'd bury them on that topic - but because I wanted to get back to Mrs Doombreed before sleep fled entirely. I also didn't want to have to get violent. Disposing of the bodies is such a chore, especially with the dumpster (see, I'm picking up Yank words) out back full up. I could buy a shovel and dig a hole, but who's got the time for that*?

Anyway, I informed them I'd been roused from the bosom of a wonderful sleep (not to mention, the bosom of a wonderful woman) and this really wasn't a good time for me, followed by me closing the door.

Later, after popping out to get the 'paper (Newspapers, in America, really are left on the doorstep, just like in the movies and on TV), I found they'd left one of their little pamphlets stuck in the doorframe, presumably as some form of silent rebuke, or even, perhaps, in the forlorn hope that I'd read it and immediately realise the error of my ways.

So there you have it. There's two more Christians who've had the stereotype of the grumpy atheist reinforced for them.

Ho-hum. I almost wish I cared.

*For those with no sense of humour: This is sarcasm! I wouldn't really kill Christians just for knocking on my door. Too often**.

**This is also sarcasm, in case you were wondering.

Friday Rodent Blogging

"Yeah, I appreciate the photo op, and all that, but aren't you supposed to be giving me a pumpkin seed right about now?"

Selene gets impatient. Or she's daydreaming about driving a car. I can't tell which.

Happy Birthday, ma'am

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her 80th birthday tomorrow. Unlike the rest of us, who can usually connive a day off, Her Majesty is going to be hurtling around, shaking hands, receiving visitors, and, most likely, chatting with people puffed up with their own importance. Still, at least she gets another crack at it on her official birthday in June.

Two birthdays? Sweet.

Happy Birthday, Your Majesty.

one red paperclip

one red paperclip is the title of Kyle MacDonald's blog, but it's also the start of an incredible journey - and I use the term in it's proper sense, meaning "not credible", simply because the story is so unbelievable.

MacDonald decided to see if he could trade a paperclip for a house. Seriously.

And he's nearly there.

First, he posted a picture of a single red paperclip, asking for trades. He was offered a fish-shaped pen for it. Then, he traded the pen for a novelty doorknob. Then he traded that for a camping stove, which was traded for a generator, which was traded for a beer keg, a neon bud sign and a promise to fill the keg with beer.

Many trades later, Macdonald finally traded a record contract for a year in an apartment in Phoenix, AZ.

Okay, not quite the house he was looking for, but he's still looking to keep on trading up.

Seriously, this is incredible.

Mr Kyle MacDonald, you hereby recieve the Legal Alien salute and the designation "top bloke."

06RS SB250

06RS SB250 is the unglamourous name for a bill that's just been passed by the Kentucky Senate, which defines a person as being guilty of "sexual misconduct" when:

He or she knowingly or intentionally appears in a state of nudity in a sexually oriented business

And defines "a state of nudity" as:

the showing of the human male or female genitals, pubic area, vulva, anus, anal cleft or cleavage with less than a fully opaque covering, or the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any part of the nipple

And also, a person is guilty of "sexual misconduct" when:

He or she knowingly or intentionally appears in a state of semi-nudity in a sexually oriented business unless, while acting as an employee of a sexually oriented business

And defines "a state of semi-nudity" as:

the showing of the female breast below a horizontal line across the top of the areola and extending across the width of the breast at that point, or the showing of the male or female buttocks. This definition shall include the lower portion of the cleavage of the female breast but shall not include any portion of the cleavage of the female breast exhibited by a dress, blouse, shirt, leotard, bikini, or similar wearing apparel provided the areola is not exposed in whole or part.

Nicely done.

Y'know what pisses me off?

Well, aside from the whole "government legislating morality" bit - that's a given.

There's a massive campaign to relax Kentucky's archaic gambling laws (and, with wearying inevitability, the concerned citizens forming a counter-group) on the grounds that Kentucky loses somewhere in the region of $6 million every year because residents are going to other states to gamble.

So we're now going to lose even more money because people will have to go to other states to see strip clubs and titty bars?

The times, they are a'becomingquitedifferent

Well, not really. It's just that with the new computer, and something odd about the new Windows stuff (even when running Firefox) makes it hard to read the font I was using. So I've switched.

Easter turducken

Easter turducken may be the single greatest easter tradition, ever.

(for those unfamilar with the Peep phenomenon, see Peep Research for humourous details)

Gays in Iraq fear for their lives

Here's a worrying development from Iraq. The fundamentalist nutbars who are currently grabbing power over there have turned on that most traditional of religious targets - homosexuals:

Islam considers homosexuality sinful. A website published in the name of Ayatollah Sistani, Iraq's most revered Shia cleric, says gays should be put to death.

"Those who commit sodomy must be killed in the harshest way," says a section of the website dealing with questions of morality.

Gays and lesbians are being executed all over the place, often being turned in by friends and family:

"Hussein is 32 and lives in Baghdad with his brother, sister-in-law and nieces.

He says his effeminate appearance and demeanour make him stand out and attract hostility.

'My brother's friends told him: 'In the current chaos you could get away with killing your brother without retribution and get rid of this shame,'' Hussein said, after agreeing to speak to the BBC only if his real name was not used.

The article ends with the now familiar cry:

"Saddam was a tyrant, but at least we had more freedom then," said Hussein. "Nowadays, gay men are just killed for no reason."

One of the things that made Iraq unusual was that Saddam Hussein kept the fundamentalist nutbars on a short leash, which, of course, is why they are grabbing power as fast as they can right now.

This is not the first time we've heard people decrying the removal of a man who - let's face it - is never going to grace the pages of "1,000 men I'd like to have controlling my country" as written by any rational human.

Makes you wonder just how bad the new powers-that-be in Iraq are, if ordinary citizens are pining for the "good old days" of Saddam Hussein.

Birthday Meme

I was randomly trawling aroung the blogosphere when I chanced upon a blog which mentioned "The Birthday Meme". Sadly, I don't remember which blog it was on.

The aim of the meme is to post your birthday, and then post three events, two births and one death from that day in history.

So, here goes:

20th June:

Events:

1214 - University of Oxford receives its charter.

1756 - British garrison imprisoned in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

1963 - The so-called "red telephone" was established between Soviet Union and United States following the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Births:

1389 - John, Duke of Bedford, regent of England (d. 1435)

1909 - Errol Flynn, Australian actor (d. 1959)

Deaths:

451 - Theodorid, King of the Visigoths

Interestingly, 20th June is also the Day of the Royal Victorian Order, and, in ancient Rome, was the day of the festival of Summanus, the god of nocturnal thunder.

Specialist kind of god, apparently.

An Atheist Manifesto

Sam Harris is the author of The End Of Faith: Religion, Terror and the Future of Reason, an excerpt from which is posted on Truthdig as "An Atheist Manifesto."

I don't agree with absolutely everything Harris says, but it does make for a fascinating read (as does the entire book) and parts strike a chord, such as:

"It is worth noting that no one ever needs to identify himself as a non-astrologer or a non-alchemist. Consequently, we do not have words for people who deny the validity of these pseudo-disciplines. Likewise, atheism is a term that should not even exist. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make when in the presence of religious dogma."

Poem for the day - Transport for London

The London Underground has been posting "Poems On The Underground" for quite a while now, and they do provide a few moments of distraction, even on the most crowded and jostling of trips.

They also highlight some of our lesser know, but clearly talented, poets.

Poem for the day - Transport for London:

The poets never lied when they praised
Spring in England.
Even in this neat suburb
You can feel there's something to
their pastorals.
Something gentle, broadly nostalgic, is stirring
On the well-aired pavements.
Indrawn brick
Sighs, and you notice the sudden sharpness
Of things growing.
The sun lightens
The significance of what the houses
Are steeped in,
brightens out
Their winter brooding.
Early May
Touches also the cold diasporas
That England hardly mentions.

A.C.Jacobs (1927-1994)

Friday Rodent Blogging

Selene likes pumpkin seeds. I mean, really likes pumpkin seeds. They are the means by which I am hand-training her.

She has also learned to recognise the sound of our front door opening, and to remember that my usual routine upon coming home involves popping in to give a treat to my favourite rodent. She's usually waiting on top of her wooden house when I switch the light on.

Delay is not tolerated.