I should stop, but I just don't wanna

I've been trawling around looking for the best (and worst) jabs at the Patriots.

First, here's one that, I assume, came from last year when the Colts, under Peyton Manning, beat the Patriots against the odds to go to the Superbowl:

Next, we bridge the gap, with Peyton passing the torch to younger brother Eli:

This sums it up, I think:

It's a bitch:

It's not nice to mock the afflicted, but here we go anyway:

X-Box Game Unveils Secret Bonus:

And what was that record again?

And, finally..

Vic Henley on football

Via Comedy Central:

Just.. Because..

Thank you, The New York Post:

The video isn't going to embed, apparently, so here's the link.

Define "Irony"

Okay, so this is not so much ironic as it is abso-friggin-lutely hilarious, but it seems that the New England Patriots filed applications to trademark the phrases "19-0" and "19-0: The Perfect Season", almost a month before the Superbowl.

The word "hubris" means exaggerated and overwhelming - but unwarranted - pride and self-confidence, and is often used in conjunction with the concept of the subject getting his or her comeuppance.

Maybe Bob Kraft needed to have a slave standing at his shoulder whispering "look not so proud, for the football gods are jealous" as he rode in triumph into Foxborough.

Story tipped by the NY Post and their story about kids in Nicaragua being gifted with the now unnecessary Patriots "19-0" Superbowl XLII Champions t-shirts and hats.


Merc'ing It Up

I have been tussling with Resident Evil 4 on the PS2 for a while now, and I have nearly destroyed the game completely.

I played it through on normal, unlocking the Mercenaries and Assignment Ada mini-games, plus the Matilda burst pistol and the first special costume.

A second run through, much easier with improved weapons and the body armour, unlocked the infinite missile launcher.

Completing the Separate Ways scenario on normal gave me the Chicago Typewriter - an infinite machine gun - and the second special costume.

Playing the main game through and then the Separate Ways game through, both on the pro setting, gave me the PRL-412 - the experimental light-based gun that treats bosses like a fart in a cyclone.

Playing the Mercenaries game gave me some trouble, but after some practice I managed to unlock all four special characters - Ada, Krauser, Hunk and Wesker - by getting 4 star ratings in all four scenarios.

There is but one thing left to unlock, according to the various guides I found at this point.

The hand cannon - an infinite .44 magnum.

The guide I used says that all I had to do was get a 5-star rating on each scenario and it would be mine.

So I did, using the totally awesome Krauser to do 3 scenarios and Hunk the fourth.

And nothing.

I checked the guides again.

Yep. What am I doing wrong?

Well, I was doing some deeper research and, apparently, there is a difference of opinion concerning what you have to do to get it. Some guides say you need a 5-star rating on each scenario (I know that's not true), some say you need a 5-star rating with each character (harder, but not impossible) and some say you need a 5-star with each character on each scenario.

And that seems damn near impossible, considering how much Leon sucks.

Still, I'm going for the second option, and if that doesn't work, I'll have to go with the third.

Here's where I am so far:


Pueblo:................3 stars
Castle:................4 stars
Military Base:........3 stars
Waterworld:..........4 stars


Pueblo:................3 stars
Castle:................4 stars
Military Base:........0 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars


Pueblo:................5 stars
Castle:................5 stars
Military Base:........5 stars
Waterworld:..........5 stars


Pueblo:................2 stars
Castle:................5 stars
Military Base:........4 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars


Pueblo:................0 stars
Castle:................2 stars
Military Base:........4 stars
Waterworld:..........0 stars

(0 stars indicates I've never even played the scenario with that character - you get 1 star just for turning up)

So, if the second scenario is correct, I need a 5 star rating with Leon (who sucks, so that should be fun) Ada and Wesker. If third scenario is correct, I have a lot of work to do.


An Open Letter To That Patriots Fan

Dear Patriots Fan,

I don't - in most cases - know your name, just the various online handles you use in various chatrooms, message boards and forums. Be it PatriotsFan, bradyisgod, patsrule2007, or whatever else you could come up with, you are the gestalt entity which has earned the ire of NFL fandom.

For almost 5 months now you've been strutting around like the cock of the walk, secure in your team's dominance of the NFL, confidently and arrogantly predicting the perfect season. With nary a glance towards spelling, and a barely a brush with grammar, we've had to hear about how the team from New England are "the graetest in the histry of the game".

Sometimes you seem to have a keyboard without a working shift key, as capital letters elude you, even in your beloved QB "tom bradey".

Also apparent, and almost as often, is your tenuous grasp of punctuation. Great long paragraphs of bile and shameless fawning, broken by not a single comma or full stop, declaring for all the world "I am an ignorant bastard and I am either so stupid as to be unaware of it, or simply arrogant enough to be proud of it," or, as you would put it, "im dum n i dont care."

You've dismissed mention of the Patriots long-time cheating as "haters" and ignored any attempt to discuss relative merits or historical evidence.

No, this season you've made being a fan of any other team a frustrating experience.

And now you're going to whine because it's all coming back on you?

Karma's a bitch.

Yes, you lost.

The Lord High-And-Mighty, Master Of The Comeback, Great And Powerful Engineer Of The Last-Minute Game-Winning Drive, The Golden Boy, The Man Himself, "tom bradey", couldn't hit a cow's arse with a shovel at the end of that game because the Giants had been doing exactly what fans around the league have been saying for months: plow the field with Brady's face.

I'll leave the analysis for another time. But we were right, you were wrong: Any team that rattles Brady beats the Patriots.

But you refuse to even acknowledge the loss. There are rumblings of cheating, rumblings of biased refs. How absurd.

You lost. You've spent 5 months giving it out, and now it's time for you to take it.

And, yes, that means from everybody. Even Dolphins fans have the right to mock you for your stupidity.

All the jokes, all the ribbing, the names, the insults, these are your due. Take it like a man, even if that means most of you will have to fake it.

Maybe, like the sword going to the forge, this experience will help you. It may be next year, it may be in ten years time, but the next time your "pats" go 7-0, 8-0, 10-0, 12-0, perhaps you'll reserve judgment because you've seen how the mighty can fall.

Maybe, in a future season, if your "pats" go 18-0 to the Superbowl again, even then, maybe - just maybe - you'll hold your tongue and stay away from the message boards with your ridiculous guarantees and silly hyperbole.

Maybe, next time the "pats" start building a nice undefeated season, and the idiots swarm out of the woodwork to take possession of the Superbowl on week 7, you'll be one of the calm heads cautioning patience and wisdom.

And maybe this experience will make you a better friend, a better fan, and a better person.


See you next season.

And remember, 31 coaches now have the Patriots' number, thanks to the Giants.


And It's Over

Giants 17-14 Patriots.

What a wonderful world. And now it's been proved that cheaters never win and winners never cheat, the Patriots, it seems, are about to get theirs.

I've never been a Giants fan, and I never will be, except for tonight.

It's here...

Today is the day when we find out, once and for all, whether cheaters win and whether winners cheat.

Good luck to the Giants. You'll need it against the Patriots and the refs. Just don't dare say so or they'll fine you.

"It's hard to go out there and play the Patriots and the refs at the same time," McAlister said. "They put the crown on top of them, they want them to win. They won."