A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
...the coffin stops.
Here's the bad news:
All of the NFL team's emblems are copyright images. It would be an infringement of that copyright for any place to produce patterns without the permission of the NFL. And the NFL, apparently, aren't giving permission.
Spookmaster was trying, but the NFL refused. Still, his site does give one an idea of how the carved pumpkins might have looked.
It should be pointed out that pumpkin carving patterns are simply black-and-white pictures printed out onto a page. You cut out the black bits, lay it over the pumpkin and draw through the design.
So.. how hard can it be to make your own, no matter what you want to carve?
If you want to buy pumpkin carving patterns for your favourite NFL team, they are out there. Yankeehalloween.com has a couple, the Giants and the Patriots.
But, really, where else you gonna go? NFLShop.com has 15 teams. Redskins, Titans, Rams, Eagles, Jets, Giants, Vikings, Dolphins, Colts, Packers, Lions, Browns, Bears, Ravens, and Falcons.
And if they ain't there, they ain't anywhere.
Sports commentators: filling the silences in the game with mindless pap so you don't have to think.
2001 was Eddie George, who had his worst career season that year.
2002 was Daunte Culpepper, who went out with a knee injury.
2003 was Marshall Faulk, who with an injured ankle had his worst season for four years.
2004 was Michael Vick, who fractured his tibia on the day the game was released.
2005 was Ray Lewis, who had a terrible season and had to sit out the last game because he was injured.
2006 was Donovan McNabb, who had a "sports hernia" and was eventually (and painfully) retired for the season by the Cowboys.
2007 is Shaun Alexander.
Who just broke his foot.
I'm not superstitious, but if I were a football player, I would stay the hell away from John Madden.
And Campbell's soup.
And Sports Illustrated.
That's the not-particularly-imaginative title of a piece over at MSNBC on Alabaman Gubernatorial candidate Loretta Nall (nallforgovernor.com and nallforgovernor.blogspot.com)
Nall, a Libertarian, is campaigning for the Governor's office and as part of her strategy is using the slogan "More of these boobs (under a picture of herself) and less of these boobs (over pictures of her four opponents)"
However, as Nall herself points out, that's not all she's about. Neither is the fact, inexplicably pointed out in the article, that her blonde hair colour comes from a bottle.
Her blog is worth a read, even if only because it's startling to find a politician with an actual, real, honest-to-goodness sense of humour.
And I look foreward to celebrating Winter-een-mass with you all this year.
Hat tip to Office_Shredder at AP.
And, courtesy of tain, we have:
First, I heard about the incident (in a previous post) where Pres. Bush basically told the American people that their opinions didn't matter.
Then radio talking-head, hate mongeror and darling of the right, Rush Limbaugh, had the total and utter stupidity to attack Michael J Fox - he of the Back To The Future, Spin City, Doc Hollywood, and, more recently, breaking our hearts with his courageous fight against Parkinson's - by accusing the pint-sized, yet lovable actor of faking his symptoms to garner sympathy. in a recent set of ads to support stem-cell research.
Then we learn that Wyoming Republican Representative Barbera Cubin said to Thomas Rankin, the Libertarian candidate who is challenging her seat next month, "If you weren't sitting in that chair, I'd slap you across the face."
Rankin is in a wheelchair.
Then there's Jim Gibbons, Republican candidate for the Governor's job in Nevada. Hates illegal immigrants, talks tough on illegal immigration, employs an illegal immigrant for years.
Of course, the biggest story is Mark Foley. I probably don't have to provide links for that name. He's the dude who was up to no good with some of the under-age pages in DC.
Okay, remember when the Conservative party went under in Britain? What happened? Years of incompetence and nothing happened. Years of screwing us out of everything and nothing happened. Years of running Britain into the crapper and nobody lifted a finger! A few months of serious, complete, constant, and unending scandals and they've not seen office since.
The outlook is not good.
Although, a word of warning to my American chums. We replaced the Conservatives with Blair and his cronies. And we've all seen how that clusterfuck worked out.
Don't bank on the Democrats riding to the rescue on a white charger and putting the world to rights with a wave of a magic wand.
Remember, no matter who you vote for, the government always gets in.
Well, at least Blair's opinion counts for something, somewhere.
All joking aside, I'm stunned that there hasn't been more - which is to say any - outrage over the President saying to 300 million Americans "I don't give a shit what you think".
I mean, democracy, right?
At what point did the carving of pumpkins turn into a "cute" event? When did boys stop carving and moms start? Where did we lose touch with one of the years coolest events?
Today we will seize back this ritual. Today is the day we throw away those safe, cute carving tools. Today. We will buy a big, ugly, pumpkin so large one man cannot lift or move it. Today. We will carve that sumbitch into something ugly and plop it on the front porch. Ocrober 31st we will light it brightly enough to give visting children suntans.
Pumpkin carving is reborn.
Welcome to ExtremePumpkins.com where strange pumpkins, pumpkin patterns, and alternative pumpkin carving techniques are developed and demonstrated for you. Pumpkin carving will never be the same.
Link found via Positive Athiesm, funnily enough.
Indianapolis Colts' Head Coach Tony Dungy has beaten all 32 teams in the NFL in his career, including the Indianapolis Colts (when he was with Tampa Bay). I have no idea how unusual that stat is, but it sounds cool.
Colts' QB Peyton Manning threw his 256th touchdown pass today, putting him 10th in NFL history.
Brett Favre, QB for the struggling Green Bay Packers, threw his first touchdown pass at the Miami Dolphins stadium today. He's now thrown touchdown passes in 36 different venues. Yes, that is four more than there are teams in the NFL. Some teams have moved since 1991 when he started playing.
Carolina Panthers QB Jake Delhomme has never thrown an interception in the Red Zone until today, when Bengal Kevin Kaesviharn picked off a pass intended for Keyshawn Johnson.
All of this week's games were sold out, for a record-setting seventh week. The previous record was four consecutive weeks, in 2004 and 2005.
I find the idea of filling your head with useless information quite stimulating.
We will stay the course.
We will stay the course, we will complete the job in Iraq.
We will stay the course until the job is done, Steve. And the temptation is to try to get the President or somebody to put a timetable on the definition of getting the job done. We’re just going to stay the course.
And my message today to those in Iraq is: We’ll stay the course.
And that’s why we’re going to stay the course in Iraq. And that’s why when we say something in Iraq, we’re going to do it.
And so we’ve got tough action in Iraq. But we will stay the course.
(All quotes Pres. George W. Bush)
So, apparently, not only have we been staying the course, but we are so committed that we are, if you'll pardon the expression, staying the course on staying the course.
Not only are we no longer staying the course on staying the course, we aren't even simply staying the course at all. The course is dead to us. The course knows what it did, why we aren't staying.
Oh, but worse.
Apparently, not only are we neither staying the course on staying the course, nor simply staying the course at all, we never were staying the course.
Y'know, I miss bits of England. I've posted on the subject before. And one of the things I miss about English telly is the way English political interviewers are unafraid to call bullshit.
Imagine if that that been Blair trying such a blatant falsehood on someone like Brian Walden. You'd have heard the outrage all over the country with your tv set off.
And it's not just interviewers but viewers, too. Remember that housewife roasting Margaret Thatcher over the sinking of the Belgrano?
*Hat tip to AMERICAblog.
Darwin was a prolific writer, and each of his most famous books is backed by literally thousands of pages of meticulous research.
Well, a group at the University of Cambridge, Darwin's old school, has started a mammoth project to put all of that research online.
The Complete Works of Charles Darwin currently has over 50,000 pages of text and over 40,000 pictures and illustrations.
Dr John van Whye, who is heading the project, says that he hopes to double those figures by 2009, in time for the bicentennial of Darwin's birth and the 150th anniversary of the publication of The Origin Of Species.
Okay, so don't get excited, it's only over half a meter and, although the term "a macroscopic atomic object containing thousands of billions of atoms" sounds big, it's way, way, way short of being able to - sigh - "beam me up". In fact, the experiment has far more potential for communications than for personal travel.
And if you're a little more fluent in physics, you can check out Scientific American's slightly-more-highbrow report on the experiment.
But further proof, if such were needed, that we're really headed deep into the 21st century comes in the form of Romulan cloaking devices.
Can personal jetpacks, hover cars, meals in pills, and Bacofoil suits really be that far behind?
The first is Morality Clauses, EC, and broken condoms over at Den Of The Biting Beaver. It is a very disturbing portrait of one woman's attempt to find a place that would dispense emergency contraception (EC) in George W. Bush's America.
Folks, the condom broke Friday night and I searched all weekend for someone who could prescribe me EC. It is now Monday and I have to report that I have been unable to find anyone who will write me a fucking prescription for EC. None of the hospitals in the surrounding counties would write it for me. I stopped my search at about 100 miles from my home because my telephone book wouldn't take me out any further than that.
I have been asked about my sexual practices. Whether I'm 'monogamous' or 'in a relationship' if I'm married, if I have kids, how many kids I have, if I was raped or 'traumatized' but there wasn’t' ONE question about my health. Not one. The few places that said that they had a doctor who would occasionally write prescriptions for EC told me that I had to ask for that doctor specifically and then they proceeded to tell me that I would be 'interviewed' to see if I meet that doctors 'criteria' and then they proceeded to ask me all the above questions before telling me that I should 'try anyway' and I 'might be able to talk him into it'.
The second post is a follow-up to the original, called The hiatus will start after this post *smile* and is an accounting of what happened with her search and, more importantly, how she has been treated.
Some of the emails she's received are truly horrific.
But hey, God is love and all that jazz.
Things get out of focus when they are four or five inches from my eyes. Not bad, in fact, I'd bet, better than most, but from someone who is used to being able to focus on things at about half that distance, it's depressing.
Also I've noticed that it's a little worse in my left eye than my right eye.
I'm getting old.
For those who want to practice without making a mess, try How To Carve A Pumpkin Like A Pro, and whilst you're there you can groove to the cool Monster Mash background music.
Grooving is optional.
Hat tip to 2tadpoles at AP.
First, this game was the first time in NFL history that a team has led by 14 or more points at half-time and then gone on to lose, in two consecutive games.
Wow, now don't you feel edumacated?
Second, and, perhaps more astoundingly, this game was the first time in NFL history that a team that had trailed by 14 points or more had gone on to win, and that win making their record 6-0 or better.
See, now don't say coming here isn't beneficial.
Apparently, one is not allowed to "rough" the quarterback when one is sacking him.
Coach Lewis said it best, "I guess you've got to cuddle him to the ground."
General Sir Richard Dannatt, the chief of the general staff, has already spoken out on soldier's pay, living conditions, length of tour and medical treatment. But then he launched quietly competent attack on the situation in Iraq and the Prime Minister's handling of it.
In an interview with The Daily Mail, Sir Dannatt said:
I am going to stand up for what is right for the Army. Honesty is what it is about. The truth will out. We have got to speak the truth. Leaking and spinning, at the end of the day, are not helpful.
He went on:
I think history will show that the planning for what happened after the initial successful war-fighting phase was poor, probably based more on optimism than sound planning.
History will show that a vacuum was created and into the vacuum malign elements moved. The hope that we might have been able to get out of Iraq in 12, 18, 24 months after the initial start in 2003 has proved fallacious. Now hostile elements have got a hold it has made our life much more difficult in Baghdad and in Basra.
The original intention was that we put in place a liberal democracy that was an exemplar for the region, was pro-West and might have a beneficial effect on the balance within the Middle East.
That was the hope. Whether that was a sensible or naïve hope, history will judge. I don't think we are going to do that. I think we should aim for a lower ambition.
He also said:
[We should] get ourselves out sometime soon because our presence exacerbates the security problems.
We are in a Muslim country and Muslims' views of foreigners in their country are quite clear. As a foreigner, you can be welcomed by being invited into a country, but we weren't invited, certainly by those in Iraq at the time. Let's face it, the military campaign we fought in 2003 effectively kicked the door in.
That is a fact. I don't say that the difficulties we are experiencing around the world are caused by our presence in Iraq, but undoubtedly our presence in Iraq exacerbates them.
He also made comments about Iran:
Particularly with Iran — if we paint them into a corner I think that is being too simplistic. Dialogue and negotiation make eminent sense and military posturing doesn't.
But far better, IMO, is the way that British troops immediately spoke up in praise of the General's comments.
It's good to see that the British army is keeping up the tradition of having at least one officer who cares more about the troops than he does about his political wellbeing.
For most of the last month, our local newspaper has been running a promo where you can collect a commemorative set of Cincinnati Bengals medallions, featuring members of the 2006 squad and of course, the man himself, Coach Marvin Lewis.
Today we got our hands on the last medallion to complete the collection, pictured above.
A thing of beauty.
This was the prequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, right? I mean, what were you expecting?
Yes, this movie lives up to the original in many, many respects. It does neatly introduce all your favourite characters. It sets the scene well.
And there's something worryingly thrilling about watching a slasher flick like this when you know that the bad guys aren't going to get their comeuppance (because they're in the original movie). There's no hope. You're gonna die. You're in a prequel.
The origins of Leatherface, "Sheriff Hoyt", Mama et al are interesting in their own right, but the true genius comes from R. Lee Emery (Hoyt) and his use of the word "balance".
Check it out. I challenge you to not laugh during one of the most disturbing scenes on celluloid.
Great movie. Slasher pic like they used to make.
Doombreed rating * * * * 1/2
Robocop vs Terminator.
Today, there has been a change. The command squad has a fourth and final member, a veteran, and both units have been undercoated.
Yep, over six months have passed and they've been undercoated.
It's like watching paint dry, but.. not.
We saw Indianapolis barely snatching victory from the jaws of defeat against the Titans, a game that was littered with way too many "the underdog Titans at the undefeated Colts" lines for me.
We then watched Dallas, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at Philadelphia, a game that was heralded by way too much nonsense about useless T.O. and his return to the Eagles stadium. Cowboys QB Drew Bledsoe almost tied the game, and was only able to salvage a defeat by a skillful interception in the dying seconds as he was about to score.
Oh, yeah. Does Bledsoe have video footage of Bill Parcells having sex with goats or something? Maybe evidence of mob connections? How about financial records showing that Parcells hasn't paid tax in the last fifty years?
There has to be some reason why Bledsoe keeps on starting for the Cowboys, despite being, quite simply, as talented a quarterback as my left buttock, and blackmail is the only thing I can think of.
The Bears game wasn't shown, which is a shame because there's nothing funnier than a 40-0 beatdown except, maybe, a 40-0 beatdown where the beatees are allowed a single pity touchdown in the dying minutes of the game.
And now we're watching the Steelers getting a mild beating at the hands of the Chargers who, inexplicably, are playing in This Planet's Most Ridiculous Uniforms.
13-20 with 7 mins 15 secs left to play.
New in, for example, are the Death Korps Of Kreig heavy weapons platforms. And beautiful they are, too. As are the Tallarn heavy weapons platforms. And the Elysian Drop Troops are, at least, moderately yummy.
New vehicles abound, like the Arvus Lighter, which is nice in a quirky way, and the Aquila Lander, which is the same. Not quite on the level of my personal favourite in the flyer category, the Thunderbolt, but still worthy contenders.
But, of course, the model to drool over is definitely the Bloodthirster (all 9.5 inches and £125.00 of him).
Aaaannd.. then there's the Thunderhawk Transport which, at
Now, where are those bloody lottery tickets..?
SG-1 has been cancelled. The Sci-Fi Channel will not be buying any more episodes.
Gateworld, long viewed as the authority on everything under Cheyenne Mountain, confirms the news that, whilst Stargate: Atlantis has been renewed for another season, its older brother has not.
Still, when SG-1 first took off, it was being shown on Showtime and, after five years, they dropped it and Sci-Fi picked it up. This may not be the end of all things SG-1.
MGM owns the rights to SG-1, so there's rumours of a new direction - mini-series, TV movie, or another film - going on.
Still, it's got to feel bad for Ben Browder and Claudia Black who, with Farscape, now have the kiss of death on two shows.
This sounds like one of the worst decisions since Showtime decided to give up - er - SG-1.
Of course, with Dean Devlin getting a deal with MGM to produce the two Stargate sequels he wanted to do in the first place, which will ignore the SG-1 series completely, and carry on as if the last ten years never happened, it's almost enough to make a conspiracy theorist go "hmmm.."
See it here.
And you can visit Carlin's website here.
The above links are most definitely, completely, utterly, obviously and undeniably NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK.
It is also 1 hour and 14 minutes long, so make sure you have the time to dedicate to watching it.
I'm sure that most people are aware of the joke surrounding the 1969 Moon landing, where Neil Armstrong apparently fluffed his lines. On the way to the Moon, Armstrong says, he came up with the now famous phrase "that's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
But then, from the recording, he stuttered at the crucial moment and missed the "a", turning the phrase into "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind".
Well, apparently, he did no such thing. And a $45 computer programme proves it.
One of the wierd things is that I have always thought that Armstrong intended to say "one small step for man", and never saw that there was anything wrong with it until a few years ago when it was pointed out to me. I mean, one small step for man? That means, like, a small step for man, as in a man, right? Isn't that, I thought, why he put in the difference beween man and mankind?
And, in the final analysis, wouldn't Armstrong be able to settle the argument by saying "Man? A man? Who cares? I was on the Moon, dude! Have you been on the Moon? Didn't think so! So shut up!"
My biggest problem with the Patriots - apart from the fact that they just handed the Bengals a defeat - is that they are one of those teams that, shall we say, plays on the edge of the rules. Watching the Patriots play is almost like watching Argentina play.
What pisses me off is that unlike, say, the Eagles, who are known as another of those "slightly less than sportsmanlike" teams, the Patriots are lauded for their style instead of lambasted.
Still, they're not that good. What really hurt the Bengals was piss-poor defence combined with piss-poor offence.
Early on, the Bengals had the Patriots mostly contained, and then it fell apart. Early on, the Bengals were doing very well, and then it fell apart. The Bengals were playing the way they used to when the NFL knew them as "The Bungles".
Shoddy performance, made worse by the commentators' gushing.
Bye week next week, and then it's on to Tampa for the Buccaneers.