News From The Land Of The Bizzarre

Whilst Maine residents form a naked bowling league, New Yorkers are going to be faced with the age-old question, "would you let a robot park your car?"

The city of Chicago tries to celebrate their Bears' visit to the Superbowl in a traditional way, a man in Ohio gets shot in a way not incompatible with the Naked Gun TV series and movies, and, also in Ohio, dinner at a Westerville high school was interrupted by a naked, greased student.

And a Wisconsin lawyer was arrested for drunk driving, whilst driving to the local police station to pick up a client arrested for - yes - drunk driving.


This just in..

The Catholic Church has to obey the law just like everyone else..



This is so wrong..

This is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for this. Badwrong. Or badong*.





Hat tip to 3vil g3nius for this bad, wrong and hilarious link.

*there may be a small prize for anyone who can spot where this is from. And then again, maybe not.


It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

We were finally caught by the big winter weather that's been messing with surrounding states for the last few weeks. Severe temperature drops, high icy cold winds, and snow.


Hot Fuzz

I just joined the Hot Fuzz team at their website. One of the "challenges" is to post the HF badge on your site, so there it is.

The Hitcher

Let me make an analogy, paint a picture with words, if you will.

Bohemian Rhapsody is a classic song. The lyrics, the tune, the changes, the sheer awesomeness. Now think of a karaoke version.

Are you there?


Well, The Hitcher is a karaoke movie, it's just that, instead of a drunk businessman warbling "Beelzebub has a devil for a sideboard," we get Sean Bean trying to meander his way through a a terrifically bad attempt at a scary movie.

Rutger Hauer. Rutger Hauer scared the shit out of me when I first saw the original.

Sean Bean? Not so much.

2007's Hitcher is a bad attempt at aping a great movie.

The girl is hot. Sophia Bush. The movie does have that going for it. But even she can't save this.


The best bit about this movie were the previews. The makers of the incredibleness that is Shaun Of The Dead have a new movie coming out called Hot Fuzz. Simon Pegg (he of Spaced and Shaun Of The Dead fame) stars as a British bobby who is so good at everything that his boss transfers him to stop him showing up the rest of his constabulary. Sent to the quietest village in England, he uncovers, in a very comedic way, a massive murder conspiracy. Must see.

Doombreed rating: * *


Friday Rodent Blogging

Selene retires to the dining room to enjoy her pumpkin seed.


Via tain at AP comes a link to the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and, via the E.A.C., comes a link to George Carlin's website, and, via George Carlin's website, comes a link to a funny and insightful mp3 of Carlin talking about the Ten Commandments.

Clear? Good.


Hoax Email!

Here's another little fishing expedition fresh from my inbox. Enjoy.

Prospective Partner,

Good day to you and your's.

Let me first of all wish you and your family
I am Engr.Rudolf Christians, a senior manager,
Ministry of Petroleum and Natural Resources (MPNR)
Lagos, who has been delegated by my colleagues to
seek the assistance of a reliable foreigner or
company into whose credit (bank account) we can
discreetly transfer a huge amount of money which
came as a result of over invoiced contracts awarded,
executed and commissioned under the past military
Our modalities for the remittance of the funds as
a contract payment has already been perfected.
The said funds arose from a deliberate
over-invoicing of contract bills for contracts, awarded by
the ministry of petroleum and natural resources
(MP&NR) during the administration of the former
military dictator late, General Sanni Abacha who
died on 7th June 1998. Since then the money has
been lying in the suspense account of Ministry of
Petroleum & Natural Resources with the Apex
government bank here.
However, the current favorable
political/Economical climate in the country now presents an
opportunity for this money to be Transferred out of this
country without any hitches as we hope and
believe it would be of mutual benefit to us all, if
only to have a financially secured future.
We have already set in motion the complete
machinery and modalities have been worked at the
highest level to enhance a successful commencement and
completion of this transaction, further actions
will be taken the moment we hear from you.

We have also agreed that after the transfer of
the money and confirmation in the account provided
by you (beneficiary account). You shall be
entitled to a reasonable amount as your cut out of the
total sum, which will be reached on agreement
between all parties involved.
Five percent (5%) is earmarked for reimbursement
on minor incidental expenses incured during
transactions of this nature and magnitude.

Conclusively, the nature of your business is not
particularly relevant for the success of this
transaction. All we require is your willingness to
co-operate and assist us, and also an assurance
that our share of the funds will be remitted to us
when the money credits your account.
Most importantly, we have taken all necessary
precautions to ensure a no risk situation on the
side of both parties as this transaction is expected
to be through within 7 to 10 working days.

However, if you are not interested, kindly
disregard the contents of this letter.

It is advisable to include your private Telephone
and Fax numbers when responding for easy and
effective communication.
The trust we have reposed on you at this point is
enormous and cannot be over-emphasized.
We await your prompt response to this proposal,
so that I can disclose further details of how we
intend to succeed this business together and
commence right away.

Sincerely your's,

Engr.Rudolf Christians.



Mrs Doombreed and I have recently gotten heavily into watching Scrubs.

Scrubs may well be the best sitcom since Blackadder, mainly thanks to three characters;

Dr Kelso is hilarious. The Janitor is brilliant. But Dr Cox is fantastic, laminated in incredible, surrounded by an impenetrable cloak of awesome.

This may have to be added to the list of seasons to collect.


Klingons In The White House

This may be the wierdest political speech in the history of the planet. Congreesman David Wu declared that there are "Klingons in the White House."



In the White House.

It didn't take long for The Daily Show to have some fun with this.


Colts - Bears Superbowl

Today's games gave, in my opinion, the best possible results. The Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts both won, booking their respective slots in Superbowl XLI.

Congratulations to both teams, but my emotions were with the Colts. An outstanding win against the Patriots, a team nobody thought they could beat. Peyton Manning finally shed the ridiculous notion that he couldn't play in the big games. The commentators, who had been involved in a seemingly league-wide circle-jerk over the Patriots were silenced in no uncertain terms.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Two weeks. Miami. Superbowl sunday. A game worth watching between two excellent teams.

And what are they for..?

At work today I encountered a business, listed out of Phoenix, AZ, called, believe it or not, "Arse Cosmetics".

Yep, Arse Cosmetics.

Don't believe me?

Reminds me of the time when I was walking through my local Walgreen's and spotted a product called "Aussie Nads".

Intrigued, I looked closer. Hair removal.

Which begs the question:

We knew Aussies are manly men, but are their 'nads really abrasive enough to remove hair?


Friday Rodent Blogging

Selene fearlessly rescues a stranded pumpkin seed from The Big Giant Hand.

And then eats it.


Mea Culpa

Several times on this site I have stated that I, as a legal permanent resident of the US, am not allowed to own guns. I have always thought that is was quite right and proper because, after all, the intent behind the Constitutionally protected right to keep and bear arms is to provide for defence of the country, and it seems only sensible to protect that right only for citizens.

Well, it seems I might have been wrong.

One of the things I like to do is occasionally look at who is finding my blog and how. Today saw a visitor who found me by the simple tactic of typing "legal alien" into Google. Again, a habit of mine is to perform the same search to see just how far down the list I am.

Trust me, I'm miles down. I got to page 20 before giving up. This visitor must have slugged through a lot to wind up here.

Anyway, one of the pages I noticed was "US State and Federal Gun Laws For Non-Citizens", which contains the following passage:

In general, non-immigrant aliens are forbidden to possess any firearms or ammunition. But there is a big exception for a legal alien who:

...is in possession of a hunting license or permit lawfully issued in the United States

(See Title 18, USC Chapter 44, Section 922, part (y)(2) for details.)

Green-card holders and immigrant aliens who do not yet have their green card are both okay under federal law, although many people (including gun dealers, law enforcement officers, etc.) are not aware of the distinction or the hunting license exception, and erroneously think that either you have a green card, or you can't have guns.

Naah, I thought. The nice people at the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) told me I couldn't own guns, and they'd know, right? Besides, the above isn't too clear. I'm not a "non-immigrant alien" because I'm a permanent resident - I have a "green card".

So.. can I or can't I?

I could have searched Google for hours, turning up several websites that, by virtue of their age, are unreliable as a guide to modern law, or, by virtue of the language, are equally ambiguous.

Okay, I did that for about ten minutes before realising that the horse with the answer had a very obvious mouth.

Cue the nice ladies and gentlemen at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (known as the ATF), who have a very nice website with all the answers.

Under the FAQ section is a list of those prohibited from buying guns:

(1) Has been convicted in any court of a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding 1 year;

(2) Is a fugitive from justice;

(3) Is an unlawful user of or addicted to any controlled substance;

(4) Has been adjudicated as a mental defective or has been committed to a mental institution;

(5) Is an alien illegally or unlawfully in the United States or an alien admitted to the United States under a non-immigrant visa;

(6) Has been discharged from the Armed Forces under dishonorable conditions;

(7) Having been a citizen of the United States, has renounced his or her citizenship;

(8) Is subject to a court order that restrains the person from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of such intimate partner; or

(9) Has been convicted of a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence

(10) Cannot lawfully receive, possess, ship, or transport a firearm.

Notice number 5. If you're here illegally (I'm not) or are only visiting (I'm not), you can't get a gun.


Also, we have, under "what constitutes residency in a State?":

The State of residence is the State in which an individual is present; the individual also must have an intention of making a home in that State. A member of the Armed Forces on active duty is a resident of the State in which his or her permanent duty station is located. If a member of the Armed Forces maintains a home in one State and the member’s permanent duty station is in a nearby State to which he or she commutes each day, then the member has two States of residence and may purchase a firearm in either the State where the duty station is located or the State where the home is maintained. An alien who is legally in the United States is considered to be a resident of a State only if the alien is residing in that State and has resided in that State continuously for a period of at least 90 days prior to the date of sale of the firearm. See also Item 5, “Sales to Aliens in the United States,” in the General Information section of this publication.

The "Item 5" (pdf file) mentioned, states that, in order for an alien to purchase weapons, they must:

1) Be 18 or older;

2) Show government-issued picture ID;

3) Complete a relevant form;

4) Comply with the Brady Law;

5) Be a resident of the State where the purchase is happening for more than 90 days, and be able to prove same;

6) Not be illegal or non-immigrant;

7) Not be disqualified for any other of the reasons listed above.

So.. under Federal law, I can go buy a gun.

But what about Kentucky State law? Does that make a difference?

Er.. Nope.

Kentucky State law only differentiates between legal aliens and citizens, in relation to firearms laws, when it comes to obtaining a license to carry a concealed weapon. Citizens can, aliens can't:

Under current law, legal resident aliens may freely acquire and possess firearms. They may bear them openly. They have the same rights to self-defense as any citizen.

Soo.. Anyone who was thinking of getting me a late Christmas gift..


Random rambling

I missed posting last night because the stupid computer ate the post I was nearly finished writing.

I'm wiped tonight, so I'll re-post it at some time in the future.

Today involved me baking an apple pie, and act which, were it not preceded by the use of a power tool, might have resulted in my man licence being revoked.

The new season of American Idol has started. I'm not watching. Honest.

And, to round things off, here is a linky to one of my favourite blogs, the LITTLE things, and 3vil g3nius' hilarious post about wierd domain names.



The United What?

Auntie reports on newly declassified documents that show that Britain and France considered a union in the 50's. That's right, apparently I came close to being born in the Anglo-French Union. And, apparently, the French came close to joining the British Commonwealth.

Wierd news, getting wierder.


Divisional Weekend - Superbowl XLI

Well, my predictions were almost there. The Colts did, indeed, beat the Ravens in a tight game. The Saints did beat the Eagles, though it wasn't that one-sided. The Bears did put the Seahawks to rest. But the Doombreed Prediction failed to take into account both the Patriots' propensity towards cheating and the seemingly unerring ability of the refs to ignore this.

I mean, how bad does the refereeing have to be when a player can get hit in the face and called for it as though they were doing the hitting?

Well, the Conference Championships are next week. In the NFC, the Bears host the Saints, and the AFC has the Patriots going to see the Colts.

I'm pulling for the Colts and the Bears. In both matches, they are the better team, and both can win if they decide to. Both teams have home-field advantage. The Colts have trounced the Patriots twice in their own stadium, and the Colts defence has some new tricks to play. The Bears are just killing offensive lines left and right and, if Rex Grossman plays like he did today, they should dispatch the Saints, although it could get tight.

Nice Celebration, Nancy

There's this new celebration dance that I've noticed is catching on in the NFL.

Now, this is not to say it's new, just new to me.

Here's how it goes:

It's like gentle jogging, but instead of your feet hitting the ground alternately (left, right, left, right, left, right) they hit twice before alternating (left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right). Viewers of tonight's Ravens-Colts game may have seen one of the Ravens players (some big star whose name I didn't bother to memorise) doing it when he was introduced at the beginning of the game.

And it's not restricted to the Ravens. Over the last few weeks I've seen it done by players for the Eagles, Chargers, Saints and Patriots.

Still not getting it? Try it. Gentle jogging pace, with the feet going left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right.

Getting it? Getting into the rhythm?

Yeah, that's right, you're SKIPPING.

Like a schoolgirl in the playground.

Nice move, Mr Big Bad NFL Player, celebrating sacking the Quarterback by going hoppity-skip like a 6-year old called Penelope.

Sheesh. Where did all the testosterone go?

What's next? Pigtails?

BTW, kudos to the Colts, for beating the team nobody thought you could beat, and, more importantly, not skipping.


Friday Rodent Blogging

"What? What? What do you want?"

Selene spies the mad human with the flashing silver box out of the corner of her eye and freezes, hoping he'll go away..


An Answer To The Watchmaker

WhyWon'tGodHealAmputees.com has a reply to the century-old argument called "The Wacthmaker."

Now, this argument has been torn to shreds so often it's puzzling that many still rely on it, by WWGHA puts the counter-argument in a new and novel way:

Today's "Intelligent Design" movement is based on an argument not unlike the one used by William Paley just before Darwin's day. Paley believed that if you found a watch in a forest, you would not assume it had formed there by itself. You would assume that it had been made ultimately by a "watchmaker."

By extension then, the human body is like a watch. The human body is complex -- "irreducibly" complex according to the "Intelligent Design" movement. And so one might argue as Paley did that the human body could not have formed by itself. It had to have been made by an "Intelligent Designer."

If the Intelligent Designer actually exists, here is a thought experiment for us to ponder.

Let's imagine that you were to walk into a jewelry store and look at the different watches in the jeweler's case. One of the watches catches your eye because its design is so unusual. The jeweler walks over and you ask him to describe the watch. He begins to rattle off several of its more interesting features.

"Here's something you don't find on many watches," the jeweler says. "When you wind up this watch, it begins to stink!" He winds the watch, and it is just as he says -- a definite odor, very slight at first, begins to waft from the watch. The jeweler tells you that the smell can grow quite profound through the course of the day, to the point where the watch becomes most annoying. You must apply a special ointment called a "deodorant" to the watch every morning in order to mask the smell, and will also have to wash the watch every night to get the ointment and the smell off. If you let the watch go two or three days without washing it, it will smell so bad that you will not want to be in the same room with it.


You can read the rest of the article here.

Hoax email!

Last time I posted one of these, several people found my blog by searching for key phrases in the email. I like to think that at least one person saw this and thought, "Oh, it is a scam."

BTW, if you want to see over five hundred such emails, click here.

Here's the lastest fishing email to grace my inbox:


I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health. This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. The message could be strange but it's real if you pay some attention to it. I want to notify you about it at least for the sake of your integrity.

In a brief introduction, I am Peter Daniel , the Director of Operation with Cooperative Bank of Benin-Cotonou ,Republic of Benin. I have a very interesting transaction to discuss with you.

The business under discussion has to do with George Stearns a national of your country, who is a Consultant/ contractor with Societe Nationale Des Products D' Agricole (SONAPRA) Company in Benin-Cotonou.

I managed to get your contact details through the Internet search myself because time is of importance to it and I am desperately looking for someone to assist me to pull this money out from the bank before our corrupt government officials will confiscate the money.

On Thursday, December 25, 2003, George Stearns , his wife and their only daughter were involved in Air-Crash near the Atlantic Ocean in Cotonou suburb. For more clarifications, you can visit the CNN web news for the tragedy.

Since then I have made several inquiries to your Embassy, in a bid to locate any relation of George Stearns . All attempts to reach the next of kin of George Stearns has been futile as He had no family here in Benin Republic. Hence my decision to contact you. I want you and I to go into partnership, the nature of your business is completely irrelevant to this transaction as all I need from you is an assurance that my interest will be fully protected once this transaction is concluded.

George Stearns , made a numbered time (fixed) deposited for twelve calendar and his account with our Bank accrues to about (Four Million, Three hundred and Fifty- Two Thousand US Dollars) $USD4.352M.

According to the Benin Law, at the expiration of (Three) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Benin government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to George Stearns so that the fruits of this old man's labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials who will latter use the money to sponsor war in Africa and kill innocent citizens in the search for political power/seat.

Please note that There will be no problem at all, my position as the Director of Operation guarantees the successful execution of this transaction within 7 Banking days and the money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 40% for you and 60% for me.

This is very simple, I will like you to reply immediately so that I can send you the Text of application which you will fill and apply to the bank as the next of kin to George Stearns and I will use my good position in the bank as the Director of Operation to make sure that the application is approved, during board meeting for immediate payment.

If you are interested, reply immediately, so that we can proceed at once.

Please send to me also your private phone, or mobile numbers for easier correspondence or you can give me a call on 00229-97728650. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Regards


Fun, In A Way

Today saw another chapter in the ongoing saga of Doombreed's Experiences With The Medical World, namely "Our Hero Gets Knackered".

I was referred by my doctor for what was, I believe, an echocardiogram. Or electrocardiogram. Or cardiac stress test. Or maybe it was something else. Whatever.

My chest was strategically shaved, covered in electrodes and prodded with an ultrasound probe. After several images were taken of what I was told was my heart (which actually looked more like some sort of epileptic alien living in my chest) came the "stress" portion of the test.

Cue The Treadmill Of Death.

The Treadmill Of Death was obviously designed by someone who was upset at missing out on the Spanish Inquisition. The Treadmill Of Death lulls one into a false sense of security by starting out nice and gentle. But, if one is foolish enough to avoid reaching the required heart rate (160 bpm) within a few minutes, The Treadmill Of Death speeds up and tilts, so one is working faster against an incline. Heart rate remaining foolishly low? Wait a few minutes and it'll tilt and speed up again. Still not there? It just got more painful.

Add to this that the heart rate monitor is positioned so that the victim can see it, and thus be mentally tortured at just how slowly their heart rate is increasing, and you've got a device that could extract state secrets from anyone.

And then.. and then.. 158.. 159.. 160.. we must be stopping soon, right?


See, the images of the heart have to be taken at or above 160, and they can't be done on The Treadmill Of Death, so you have to allow time for the victim to get from The Treadmill Of Death to the bed, get into position (on one's side, bottom arm above the head), and take all the scans before the heart rate drops below 160.

"We'll go to 170" said the nurse.

We? I don't see you up here on this infernal machine.

168.. 169.. 170.. Now can I stop?

Naaw.. I'm relatively young, my heart rate will come down fast, so "we" were shooting for 177.

175.. 176.. 177.. And finally, I can stagger over to the bed and get prodded again.

And then, I'm done.

Okay, apart from The Treadmill Of Death, it wasn't too bad. The doctor and nurse were very nice, very funny, and made me feel very relaxed.

I get the results later this week.

Fun, in a way.


..so now I can't put milk in my tea?

Well, no big problem, seeing as getting a decent cuppa over here is like finding an NFL commentator who doesn't have verbal diarrhea.


Wildcard Weekend - Superbowl XLI

This weekend was Wildcard Weekend, being the first week of the Playoffs. All four wild card teams lost, so there will, unfortunately, be no repeat of Superbowl XL, where the Pittsburgh Steelers came, saw and conquered after qualifying as a no-hoper.

The Jets fell to the Bastards - sorry, Patriots - by 37-16. The thrice-damned Eagles took out the Giants, 20-23, mostly by being every bit as vicious and unsportsmanlike as the Bastards - sorry, Patriots. The Colts whomped on the poor Chiefs, much to the annoyance of the commentators, beating them 23-8. And the Seahawks, aided and abetted by some very dodgy refereeing calls, beat the Cowboys 21-20.

Next saturday sees the Colts going to Baltimore to see the Ravens and the Eagles going to New Orleans to play the Saints.

The Doombreed Predictions here are the Colts beating the Ravens in a very tight game, and the Saints beating seven flavours of holy shit out of the Eagles in a game laugably one-sided.

Sunday has the Seahawks - without their 12th man - going to Chicago to meet the Bears, and the Bastards - I'm not even correcting myself anymore - going to San Diego to go up against the Chargers.

The Doombreed Predictions here have the Seahawks going nowhere against Brian Urlacher and a few of his closest, biggest, ballsiest friends. This is a game that the Bears offense will win if they have the will. The Bastards will, quite simply, get their various clocks cleaned by a Chargers team that just doesn't put up with that kind of crap.

Maybe that last one was less of a prediction and more of a bright, shining hope. Still, cold assessment has to give the game to the team that's fielding the league's MVP.

Wow... Didn't Know That

Auntie Beeb reports on an organisation called "Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch" which, amongst other things, compiles lists of those extra-retarded product warning labels. Listeners of a Detroit radio show voted, and dumb warning of the year goes to a washing machine with the warning "HIGH SPIN SPEEDS: DO NOT put any person in this washer".

Who knew?


Friday Rodent Blogging

Selene has started work on her new car. Presumably she's trying to turn it into a convertible or something.


Evangelicals urge museum to hide man's ancestors

Some seven months ago I wrote a piece called "The Real Creationist Agenda", discussing a quote I'd found in a news report.

If you don't get why it's so ominous, read it again carefully, and think on this:

Can a person who feels this way accept anything less than total victory? Could this person be happy with "teaching the controversy"? Would he be content with a brief aside in science class about how some won't accept evolution as fact? How about "opposing viewpoints"? A section of the syllabus dealing with creationism as an idea?

What about, when you get right down to it, "equal time"? Is this person, who openly admits that he rejects all evidence that doesn't fit with his religion, going to be happy with his religion being presented as equal to evolution?

In a word, no.

Well, here, from The Telegraph, via Pinecone at AP, is a story that illustrates the point all too well:

Powerful evangelical churches are pressing Kenya's national museum to sideline its world-famous collection of hominid bones pointing to man's evolution from ape to human.

Leaders of the country's six-million-strong Pentecostal congregation want Dr Richard Leakey's ground-breaking finds relegated to a back room instead of being given their usual prime billing.

The collection includes the most complete skeleton yet found of Homo erectus, the 1.7 million-year-old Turkana Boy unearthed by Dr Leakey's team in 1984 at Nariokotome, near Lake Turkana in northern Kenya.

The museum also holds bones from several specimens of Australopithecus anamensis, believed to be the first hominid to walk upright, four million years ago. Together the artefacts amount to the clearest record yet discovered of the origins of Homo sapiens.


As part of an ongoing expansion funded by the EU, the National Museums of Kenya, which manages the country's cultural sites, is conducting a survey to determine what visitors to its Nairobi headquarters most want to see.

Church leaders aim to hijack that process. "The Christian community here is very uncomfortable that Leakey and his group want their theories presented as fact," said Bishop Bonifes Adoyo, the head of Christ is the Answer Ministries, the largest Pentecostal church in Kenya.

"Our doctrine is not that we evolved from apes, and we have grave concerns that the museum wants to enhance the prominence of something presented as fact which is just one theory."

Bishop Adoyo said all the country's churches would unite to force the museum to change its focus when it reopens after 18 months of renovations in June next year.

"We will write to them, we will call them, we will make sure our people know about this and we will see what we can do to make our voice known," he said.

Evidence be damned. Letting people have their own opinions be damned. It's about pushing people around until they cave and all bow to the same myth you do.

"But things can get tricky when you have religious beliefs on one side, and intellectuals, scientists or researchers on the other, saying the opposite."

There are the battle lines. Pick your side.


A Summary Of My 2006 Emails

Via Hippy at AP comes this interesting piece to send to all of those people who send out those nutty emails:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....

PS. A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!!!!!


Go Goatcam!

Remember Goatcam? Well, this year the Gavle Goat survived!

The Goat is being stored in a secret location to be used again this Christmas.

Goatcam 1, Arsonists 0.

Legal Alien will be watching to see if the arsonists will even the score.


Happy 2007 everyone

Well, today is New Years Day, so happy New Year to everyone. Here's hoping that 2007 is a good year for all.


2006 - A Year In Doombreed's View

The year is coming to an end, and we're watching the results of what might be the strangest decision of 2006, that FOX's New Year's Eve Live celebration programme live from New York's Times Square is being presented by hellishly annoying cheeky chirpy chippie Cat Deeley.

Still, that's par for the course as the end of this wacky year. This year has mostly been one long series of ups and downs.

2006 saw the release of the Nintendo Wii, which may be the strangest named console in the history of gaming. The Steelers won a fifth Superbowl, and Italy added their fourth FIFA World Cup. The Republicans lost control of the Federal government, not to mention much at State and local level. Iraq went from bad to worse, with the Bush administration having to mangle the language with ever increasing ingenuity in order to avoid describing the civil war as a civil war. We had tensions going up, civility going down. A large inhabited island disappeared under the sea faster than a melting ice cap, but global warming is still a liberal fantasy. The War On Christmas advanced not a jot because nobody is actually waging a war on Christmas. The War On Good Science And Education swept along with alacrity, though. Pope Benedict the whatever managed to piss off all of the moslems at once with a single speech.

We saw the Godfather Of Soul take his final bow, and the next day, President Gerald Ford passed away. Closer to home, we mourned the loss of our beloved Imo this year. Saddam Hussein was executed. Alan "Fluff" Freeman, Desert Orchid and Steve Irwin will be entertaining us no more.

This year was good and bad, up and down, so, without any further ado, here are the Legal Alien Awards (2006):

2006's Most Annoying Sports Moment

England. Germany 2006. Fuck.

This was tied with the Bengals losing to the Steelers just today on a botched field-goal attempt, ending the season with a loss and destroying any play-off hopes.

2006's Dumbest Decision By A Sports Team

The Dallas Cowboys this year hired two players. Mike Vanderjagt and Terrell "T.O." Owens.

Mike Vanderjagt is a kicker. He kicks the ball. That's his job. So good is he that he leads the NFL, and not just this season, that's all-time. That means that, in the history of the NFL, nobody has ever been better at kicking the ball than Mike Vanderjagt.

T.O., on the other hand, is a receiver. He catches the ball. That's his job. So bad is he that he leads the NFL in dropping passes. That means that, this season, nobody has been worse at catching the ball than T.O.

So, the Dallas Cowboys fire Vanderjagt and keep Owens.

The World's Dumbest Political Statement

US President George W. Bush, declaring that the opinions of 300 million US citizens - all of which are his bosses - are irrelevant by saying "I'll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog."

The Politician Most In Need Of A Good Cock-Punching

Tony Blair - or "that grinning twat" as he's affectionately known by the British public - announced he's going, and that couldn't be better news. I really hate that man.

The 2006 Movie That Should Not Have Been Made

The Wicker Man. Soo bad.

The Most Awesome Movie In 2006

A tie between V for Vendetta and Snakes On A Plane.

The Most Awesome Line From Any Movie In 2006

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

2006's Most Utterly Hilarious Lame Link

The Evolution Of Dance.

Formerly Great TV Show Of Which I Did Not Watch A Single 2006 Episode


Outstanding TV Show Which Just Got Better In 2006

Dr Who.

Annoying Television Trend Of 2006

The unbelievably annoying new game show habit of waiting unnecessarily long periods of time between the contestant providing an answer and finding out of that answer is correct. I realise these pauses are supposed to be tension-building, but they make me want to throw a chair through my telly. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Person Whom I Saw Way Too Much Of In 2006 And Would Appreciate Seeing Absolutely Nothing Of In 2007

Paris Hilton