Blogging is going to be a little light tonight because I'm in the middle of building a hot rod out of some WWII tanks using only a chainsaw and an arc welder.
Not buying it?
Okay, I'm actually playing games over at Neopets.
Yeah, really.
Mrs Doombreed is a big Neopets fan and she is trying to fulfill all the daily challenges, but there's some games I'm better at playing, so I get drafted.
Fun.
5.3.07
Crocodile Hunter Meets His Match
Thanks to Mrs Doombreed, who knows my sense of humour all too well, I recently saw this amazing video from the Jay Leno show. The late Steve Irwin was paired up with Ross, Leno's intern who is slightly less masculine than John Inman.
After a nervous start, where Irwin clearly had no idea how to handle the effeminate Ross, a few jokes are exchanged and it just takes off like a rocket. Enjoy.
After a nervous start, where Irwin clearly had no idea how to handle the effeminate Ross, a few jokes are exchanged and it just takes off like a rocket. Enjoy.
4.3.07
Zodiac
Zodiac is about a serial killer that most people outside of the US would only have heard of because of one of the Dirty Harry movies.
Zodiac was active in California in the late sixties and early seventies. He took delight in sending notes and encrypted messages to the press and, most unusual for a serial killer, was never caught.
I don't know how accurate the movie is, seeing as it is based around some speculation, but it is very much worth watching.
Jake Gyllenhaal plays Robert Graysmith, a cartoonist at a San Francisco newspaper. The movie is less about the actual Zodiac murders and more about Graysmith's obsession with them. In real life, Graysmith authored what is considered to be the definitive book on the Zodiac murders and, many believe, has correctly identified the killer.
The movie is deep without being unwieldy, fast paced without being mindless, gripping without being cliche, true-to-life without being kitchy.
I loved it. 3 hours went by and I only noticed when I stood up to leave and almost couldn't walk.
Doombreed rating: * * * * 1/2
Zodiac was active in California in the late sixties and early seventies. He took delight in sending notes and encrypted messages to the press and, most unusual for a serial killer, was never caught.
I don't know how accurate the movie is, seeing as it is based around some speculation, but it is very much worth watching.
Jake Gyllenhaal plays Robert Graysmith, a cartoonist at a San Francisco newspaper. The movie is less about the actual Zodiac murders and more about Graysmith's obsession with them. In real life, Graysmith authored what is considered to be the definitive book on the Zodiac murders and, many believe, has correctly identified the killer.
The movie is deep without being unwieldy, fast paced without being mindless, gripping without being cliche, true-to-life without being kitchy.
I loved it. 3 hours went by and I only noticed when I stood up to leave and almost couldn't walk.
Doombreed rating: * * * * 1/2
New Dark Angels
I've been a fan of Games Workshop since I was very young. I kid you not, it's been about twenty years or so. But every so often GW does something that, well, pisses me off.
Squats. Don't get me started.
But now GW has done something weird.
The new Dark Angels. Okay, I don't have a problem with much of the range. The new DA Company Master model is awesome. Like the Blood Angels character Captain Tycho, it's based off of the original four Space Marine captain models (DA, SW, BA, and UM) , and the change is a big improvement. The new Master of the Ravenwing is just droolworthy. No, it's the Deathwing that I have a problem with.
For those not up with the history, this unit gets its name and its colours from a very old story called, appropriately, Deathwing by Bryan Ansell and William King. The story is about a group of Dark Angel 1st company terminators who return to their homeworld to find it overrun with genestealers. They resolve to rid the planet of the invaders and, knowing that their small squad would most likely perish in the attempt, complete the rite of deathwing. The ancient rite involves wearing white warpaint and basically considering yourself dead already, so the terminator suits are painted white and off they go. The background is that, in honour of this brave group the DA 1st company was renamed "The Deathwing" and their terminator suits were all painted white.
Yep. White.
Not, I repeat, not the colour of rancid butter, Games Workshop.
Deathwing wear white, not "bone".
Grrrrr..
Squats. Don't get me started.
But now GW has done something weird.
The new Dark Angels. Okay, I don't have a problem with much of the range. The new DA Company Master model is awesome. Like the Blood Angels character Captain Tycho, it's based off of the original four Space Marine captain models (DA, SW, BA, and UM) , and the change is a big improvement. The new Master of the Ravenwing is just droolworthy. No, it's the Deathwing that I have a problem with.
For those not up with the history, this unit gets its name and its colours from a very old story called, appropriately, Deathwing by Bryan Ansell and William King. The story is about a group of Dark Angel 1st company terminators who return to their homeworld to find it overrun with genestealers. They resolve to rid the planet of the invaders and, knowing that their small squad would most likely perish in the attempt, complete the rite of deathwing. The ancient rite involves wearing white warpaint and basically considering yourself dead already, so the terminator suits are painted white and off they go. The background is that, in honour of this brave group the DA 1st company was renamed "The Deathwing" and their terminator suits were all painted white.
"He looked at Weasel-Fierce. The gaunt man had finished painting out all the icons on his armour. It was now white, the colour of death, except on its left shoulder, where the skull had been left unchanged. It seemed somehow appropriate."
-Deathwing
Yep. White.
Not, I repeat, not the colour of rancid butter, Games Workshop.
"For the bone-colored Deathwing armor, start out with an undercoat of Skull White Spray Paint. Then, basecoat the model with Graveyard Earth. Once the Graveyard Earth is dry, wash the model with some watered-down Brown Ink and make sure the wash gets in all the crevices."
Deathwing wear white, not "bone".
Grrrrr..
3.3.07
History Channel
The History Channel is airing a programme about the Dark Ages, the promo for which can be seen here. The promo finishes by describing the Dark Ages as "600 years of godless, inhuman behavior".
Well, call me Mr Pedantic, but the reason why the Dark Ages were so horrific was because the church ruled Europe with an iron fist. Calling this inhuman behavior "godless" is absolutely inaccurate.
"600 years of God-inspired, inhuman behavior" would be better.
People who think that history should at least bear some resemblance to actual events can email the History Channel at thc.viewerrelations@aetv.com.
I did.
Well, call me Mr Pedantic, but the reason why the Dark Ages were so horrific was because the church ruled Europe with an iron fist. Calling this inhuman behavior "godless" is absolutely inaccurate.
"600 years of God-inspired, inhuman behavior" would be better.
People who think that history should at least bear some resemblance to actual events can email the History Channel at thc.viewerrelations@aetv.com.
I did.
Friday Rodent Blogging
This is a habit that Selene seems to have picked up from somewhere. Whenever we put a new box into her cage, she immediately whips inside it to investigate the interior. I don't know why, or what she expects to find in there, but it never fails.
1.3.07
Idiot Of The Month: Feb 2007
A man in Indiana tries to cash a cheque* signed by..
..God.
All together now.. D'oh!
*Yes, that's how we spell it in Britain. For British users, the "check" in the article is the US spelling.
..God.
All together now.. D'oh!
*Yes, that's how we spell it in Britain. For British users, the "check" in the article is the US spelling.
28.2.07
I'm Done
That's it. That's it. I'm done. It's over. From now on I'm eating and drinking what the hell I like, and the food science industry can kiss my arse.
What? You hadn't heard?
Vitamin supplements can shorten your life.
Yeah, it's over. We're done. Pass the bacon.
What? You hadn't heard?
Vitamin supplements can shorten your life.
Yeah, it's over. We're done. Pass the bacon.
27.2.07
Cheney Survives Bomb
Vice President Dick Cheney was at the Bagram air base in Afghanistan when a suicide bomber walked up to the outermost gate and detonated an explosive device. The Taleban are claiming responsibility and say that Cheney was the target. Conflicting reports say around eleven people died and around twenty people were wounded.
Whatever your personal opinion of the man - and I believe you'd probably need a crucifix and a stake to keep him down - this kind of stuff is deplorable. Suicide bombings give a clear indication of just the kind of people you're dealing with. There really can be no negotiation with someone who is prepared to commit such an act.
At the very least you have to give the IRA credit for some intelligence. They set their bombs and left. Sure, they were murdering arseholes, but at least they were smart murdering arseholes.
What's also disturbing to me is how I found out. I was at work, outside having a quick smoke, when a co-worker came out from the break room, where one or other of the 24-hour news channels is usually playing. She explained to us that the bomb had been positively linked to Iran. As it turned out, this was pure rubbish.
Now, I have no idea which news channel she'd been watching, or even if she had been watching one or if she'd got this information second- or third-hand, but this kind of uninformed commentary is typical.
Either it was wild speculation or deliberate misinformation. I rank it alongside those that still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11 and that Iraq had WMDs. Must we muddle the story with inaccurate editorialising?
Whatever your personal opinion of the man - and I believe you'd probably need a crucifix and a stake to keep him down - this kind of stuff is deplorable. Suicide bombings give a clear indication of just the kind of people you're dealing with. There really can be no negotiation with someone who is prepared to commit such an act.
At the very least you have to give the IRA credit for some intelligence. They set their bombs and left. Sure, they were murdering arseholes, but at least they were smart murdering arseholes.
What's also disturbing to me is how I found out. I was at work, outside having a quick smoke, when a co-worker came out from the break room, where one or other of the 24-hour news channels is usually playing. She explained to us that the bomb had been positively linked to Iran. As it turned out, this was pure rubbish.
Now, I have no idea which news channel she'd been watching, or even if she had been watching one or if she'd got this information second- or third-hand, but this kind of uninformed commentary is typical.
Either it was wild speculation or deliberate misinformation. I rank it alongside those that still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11 and that Iraq had WMDs. Must we muddle the story with inaccurate editorialising?
26.2.07
More Wanted Stuff
To add to the wish list I posted the other day, Forge World has come out with a new Death Korps Of Kreig model, the Centaur artillery tractor and various bits and pieces it can tow.
During my childhood, my favourite military vehicle was always the Universal Carrier or, as it was more popularly known, the Bren Gun Carrier, and the Centaur is obviously based on this plucky little vehicle. Hell, the heavy stubber mounted on top even looks like a Bren Gun.
I don't care whether I can use this in a game or not, I want one.
It's $75 on its own, $106 with a heavy mortar or $109 with a thudd gun, $304 for a squadron of three with heavy mortars or $314 for a squadron of three with thudd guns.
Owie.
During my childhood, my favourite military vehicle was always the Universal Carrier or, as it was more popularly known, the Bren Gun Carrier, and the Centaur is obviously based on this plucky little vehicle. Hell, the heavy stubber mounted on top even looks like a Bren Gun.
I don't care whether I can use this in a game or not, I want one.
It's $75 on its own, $106 with a heavy mortar or $109 with a thudd gun, $304 for a squadron of three with heavy mortars or $314 for a squadron of three with thudd guns.
Owie.
25.2.07
Ghost Rider
There were two people inside my head when I was watching this movie.
The first was prepared to pretend that he'd never read any of the GR comics, and he thoroughly enjoyed this movie.
The second was going to judge the movie against the comics, and he was utterly nonplussed.
As a stand-alone movie, Ghost Rider is great. Absorbing storyline, good characters, excellent special effects.
Against the comics? Not so much.
The first guy thinks this may be one of Nicholas Cage's best movies, and probably the best out of the recent spate of comic conversions.
The second guy wonders why Cage dyed his hair black to play a blonde-haired character.
Guy number 1 loved the whole deal-with-the-devil origin of Ghost Rider.
Guy number 2 kept waiting for Zarathos to put in an appearance, and wondering when Mephisto was promoted to Satan.
Guy A loved the effects.
Guy B was pissed that Ghost Rider was rumbling around on Vengeance's bike.
Both guys agreed that Eva Mendez was hot.
Look: If you're gonna judge this against the comics (and it's almost unavoidable, given how long I've been a fan), the movie is pants. If you just watch it for itself, it's amazing.
Doombreed A rating: * * * * 1/2
Doombreed B rating: * * *
The first was prepared to pretend that he'd never read any of the GR comics, and he thoroughly enjoyed this movie.
The second was going to judge the movie against the comics, and he was utterly nonplussed.
As a stand-alone movie, Ghost Rider is great. Absorbing storyline, good characters, excellent special effects.
Against the comics? Not so much.
The first guy thinks this may be one of Nicholas Cage's best movies, and probably the best out of the recent spate of comic conversions.
The second guy wonders why Cage dyed his hair black to play a blonde-haired character.
Guy number 1 loved the whole deal-with-the-devil origin of Ghost Rider.
Guy number 2 kept waiting for Zarathos to put in an appearance, and wondering when Mephisto was promoted to Satan.
Guy A loved the effects.
Guy B was pissed that Ghost Rider was rumbling around on Vengeance's bike.
Both guys agreed that Eva Mendez was hot.
Look: If you're gonna judge this against the comics (and it's almost unavoidable, given how long I've been a fan), the movie is pants. If you just watch it for itself, it's amazing.
Doombreed A rating: * * * * 1/2
Doombreed B rating: * * *
Supernova 1987A
This month marks the 20th anniversary of the first time modern humans had been able to observe a supernova. Supernova 1987A actually occurred around 168,000 years beforehand, that's how long it took the light to reach us, but the remnant dust cloud is, today, one of the most studied astronomical objects.
Okay, enough of the plagiarising from Wikipedia.
Whilst searching for pics (there's a ton of cool pics here), I found this site.
Wow. Grasping for straws, much?
The site starts out promising, then devolves into a desperate attempt to find some way - any way - in which this hugely important event was predicted by The Bible or other "ancient texts".
Apparently:
Matthew 6:22 " If your eye be single your body will fill with light.
.. is somehow is a prediction of 1987A. As is:
Genesis 32:30 " I have seen God face to face and I will call the place Peniel.
I have to say, on behalf of the thinking audience, "What in the square root of bloody fuck are you talking about?"
Read the site. Watch out for the "perfect" fit between a picture of the "Hour Glass Nebula" and an old geometric pattern, and look closely, because it's not that much of a fit at all. Also notice the gross misrepresentation of the function of the pineal gland. And then marvel as it spirals out of control into areas where connections just become all the more insubstantial until we conclude, apparently, that 1987A is some form of divine hormone producer.
Or something.
Then join me in giving up long before you reach the bottom, but before you do, scroll down a ways and marvel at the nerve of a person including a quote from Carl Sagan in such gibberish.
What an insult to the man's memory.
Okay, enough of the plagiarising from Wikipedia.
Whilst searching for pics (there's a ton of cool pics here), I found this site.
Wow. Grasping for straws, much?
The site starts out promising, then devolves into a desperate attempt to find some way - any way - in which this hugely important event was predicted by The Bible or other "ancient texts".
Apparently:
Matthew 6:22 " If your eye be single your body will fill with light.
.. is somehow is a prediction of 1987A. As is:
Genesis 32:30 " I have seen God face to face and I will call the place Peniel.
I have to say, on behalf of the thinking audience, "What in the square root of bloody fuck are you talking about?"
Read the site. Watch out for the "perfect" fit between a picture of the "Hour Glass Nebula" and an old geometric pattern, and look closely, because it's not that much of a fit at all. Also notice the gross misrepresentation of the function of the pineal gland. And then marvel as it spirals out of control into areas where connections just become all the more insubstantial until we conclude, apparently, that 1987A is some form of divine hormone producer.
Or something.
Then join me in giving up long before you reach the bottom, but before you do, scroll down a ways and marvel at the nerve of a person including a quote from Carl Sagan in such gibberish.
What an insult to the man's memory.
23.2.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
Last night was house-cleaning time again.
Yes, this is Selene, who is Not Talking To US.
22.2.07
22nd Praetorian
A day off today led to a rare painting session, so here's a picture of my army as it now stands. Click for a larger view.
From l-r:
Ratling snipers
Officer - this is the Catachan Lieutenant model. He's going to be either the commander of my second infantry platoon (still unpainted) or the commander of my heavy weapons platoon (see anti-tank squad below).
Sentinel - painted brown. As soon as I get my airbrush working it's going to get tiger stripes.
Command HQ - this is almost exclusively sub or home-made models. The Heroic Senior Officer (Colonel Ironfist) is a Praetorian Commissar, his staff are bits-box jobs, (l-r medic, vox operator, veteran, standard bearer, all just need basing and touch-up), and a random Ogryn as Nork Deddog. Also, in the rear, is an anti-tank support squad which will, eventually, be added to the three lascannon teams I have to make a heavy weapons platoon.
Stormtroopers - these are plastic Cadians. They have a Rhino because I intend using them as Inquisitorial Stormtroopers.
Armoured Fist squad - These are Steel Legion models.
Infantry Platoon - these are, apart from the Ratlings, the Sentinel, the Rhino and the Chimera, the only models in my army which actually are what they're meant to be. So far there's only two infantry squads, but I have another two unpainted, plus a command squad, so I can either have two platoons of two squads or one of four.
Next on the painting block:
My Rough Riders.
After that, I have five more Steel Legion models which, I believe, will make excellent Hardened Veterans, with red trenchcoats instead of gray.
After that, my three Mordian lascannon teams to make my heavy weapons platoon legal. I also have a single Mordian heavy bolter team, so I'll be looking out for two of either heavy bolters or autocannons to make a fire support squad.
After that, the remaining two infantry squads and their command squad.
Wish list:
Another two sentinels.
More Praetorians for another infantry platoon (or to bolster the two I already have), at least two or three squads.
A Chimera for my Command HQ.
Twenty or so Tallarn Desert Raiders to use as a conscript platoon (I think they'll go nicely with the Zulu feel of the Praetorians).
At least three more Ratlings to bolster the sniper squad.
21.2.07
It's Back
American Idol, my guilty pleasure, is back on again. So far there's nobody that's really standing out, especially amongst the guys who are, it has to be said, a mediocre bunch at best this year.
Leslie is cute as a kitten in a boot. Antonella made a big mistake when she tried to take on Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing".
Big mistake..
Leslie is cute as a kitten in a boot. Antonella made a big mistake when she tried to take on Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing".
Big mistake..
20.2.07
Okay, Christmas Over
All the snow's gone. Now it's just bucketing down with rain. Hell truly is 1 degree.
(Okay, 33 for those who are into Fahrenheit)
(Okay, 33 for those who are into Fahrenheit)
19.2.07
Some News From Home
Police have arrested a suspect in the recent spate of letterbombings in the UK. Seven devices were posted to various locations, including the DVLA, several businesses and a private home. A primary school caretaker, Miles Cooper, was arrested near Cambridge.
And, of course, people who know him are stepping up with the old "he's so quiet, he's the last person you'd think would do this" lines.
Over a week ago, a man who confessed was cleared of being responsible. And then arrested under the Mental Health Act and given treatment.
A dark chapter, but think on this:
Nine people were injured. That's nine people from seven bombs.
It could have been a hell of a lot worse. Let's just hope that they got the right guy..
And, of course, people who know him are stepping up with the old "he's so quiet, he's the last person you'd think would do this" lines.
Over a week ago, a man who confessed was cleared of being responsible. And then arrested under the Mental Health Act and given treatment.
A dark chapter, but think on this:
Nine people were injured. That's nine people from seven bombs.
It could have been a hell of a lot worse. Let's just hope that they got the right guy..
18.2.07
Quackwatch
Playing "follow the link" from Daylight Atheism, led me to stopsylviabrowne.com (see yesterday's post), which led me to another great site today, called Quackwatch.
Quackwatch is a site dedicated to keeping track of and fighting against pseudo-science, especially in the area of medical pseudo-science. It has a 152-member scientific and technical advisory board, and a 28-member strong legal advisory board. It features a health fraud discussion board and many, many articles dedicated to spotting, avoiding and countering "snake oil" salesmen.
The site has also received numerous awards, to which I would add the Legal Alien "You Must Read This Site" Award.
Quackwatch is a site dedicated to keeping track of and fighting against pseudo-science, especially in the area of medical pseudo-science. It has a 152-member scientific and technical advisory board, and a 28-member strong legal advisory board. It features a health fraud discussion board and many, many articles dedicated to spotting, avoiding and countering "snake oil" salesmen.
The site has also received numerous awards, to which I would add the Legal Alien "You Must Read This Site" Award.
Daylight Atheism
Daylight Atheism is an excellent blog. Well written, well thought-out, very thought-provoking.
And, for those interested, it led me to stopsylviabrowne.com, a very informative site about one of America's most popular "psychics".
And, for those interested, it led me to stopsylviabrowne.com, a very informative site about one of America's most popular "psychics".
17.2.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
"Okay, Mad Human, put the flashing silver box down and nobody gets hurt.."Selene delivers an ultimatum.
15.2.07
Storm in a soft drink cup
One of the funniest ads in the Superbowl line-up was Nationwide Insurance's latest "life cames at you fast" series. Last year saw MC Hammer go from top of the pile to having everything repossessed in 5 minutes. This year, Kevin Federline, soon-to-be ex of Britney Spears, is depicted as having lost his rap career and ended up working in a fast-food restaurant.
You can see the ad at YouTube.
Well, as usual, someone's pissed. In this case it's the National Restaurant Association. President and CEO Steven Anderson has even written a letter (pdf) in which he talks about how the ad "gives the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant."
Yeah, well, this may be news to you, sparky, but working in a fast food restaurant is often demeaning and unpleasant. There's a reason why it's mostly kids, and there's a reason why few stay for long, and there's a reason why almost nobody except that really weird 20-year old whose acne may clear up some day and who desperately covets every gold star on his badge considers it a career.
It's long hours, often for close to or actual minimum wage, where you get treated like shit by most customers and nearly all management. Just check out the experiences of a few ex-fry jockies who wrote the Flame Broiled website (not to mention the people who wrote in with encouragement) to see what I mean.
And the ad wasn't about merely working in Burger Hell, it was about ending up there after having been so much more. Anyone over the age of 25 who ends up flipping burgers for a multi chain has had some real bad luck, and I defy anyone to say different.
I realise that nobody wants their job out there being depicted as rotten, especially when it is rotten, and famously so, but get a sense of humour, please.
You can see the ad at YouTube.
Well, as usual, someone's pissed. In this case it's the National Restaurant Association. President and CEO Steven Anderson has even written a letter (pdf) in which he talks about how the ad "gives the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant."
Yeah, well, this may be news to you, sparky, but working in a fast food restaurant is often demeaning and unpleasant. There's a reason why it's mostly kids, and there's a reason why few stay for long, and there's a reason why almost nobody except that really weird 20-year old whose acne may clear up some day and who desperately covets every gold star on his badge considers it a career.
It's long hours, often for close to or actual minimum wage, where you get treated like shit by most customers and nearly all management. Just check out the experiences of a few ex-fry jockies who wrote the Flame Broiled website (not to mention the people who wrote in with encouragement) to see what I mean.
And the ad wasn't about merely working in Burger Hell, it was about ending up there after having been so much more. Anyone over the age of 25 who ends up flipping burgers for a multi chain has had some real bad luck, and I defy anyone to say different.
I realise that nobody wants their job out there being depicted as rotten, especially when it is rotten, and famously so, but get a sense of humour, please.
14.2.07
Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs Doombreed
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13.2.07
safenow.org
safenow.org is a hilarious site that takes icons from the US Department of Homeland Security's "be informed" leaflets and assigns them - ah - different meanings from those intended.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
12.2.07
It's Over..
I'm back to work tomorrow, despite still hacking like a V-8 running on three cylinders and having a blown blood vessel in my eye from coughing too hard. Should be miserable fun.
On the plus side, Mrs Doombreed started her new job today, so massive woo-hoo congratulations to She Who Makes My Life Worth Living.
On the plus side, Mrs Doombreed started her new job today, so massive woo-hoo congratulations to She Who Makes My Life Worth Living.
11.2.07
ENViably quiet?
Remember the ENV? Well, apparently it's too quiet for some.
Yep, they're going to be fitting it with an artificial "bike noise".
Wow. This world and sense just get further apart.
Yep, they're going to be fitting it with an artificial "bike noise".
Wow. This world and sense just get further apart.
Friday Rodent Blogging (Belated)
I was so wiped yesterday (having a fever that spikes so high it causes hallucinations will do that to you) that I completely forgot about Friday Rodent Blogging.Still, Selene isn't interested in excuses, only results, as you can see by this decidedly nasty look she's giving me..
10.2.07
Yeah, it's confirmed..
I am sick. Chills, fever, coughing, aches, fatigue, ringing in my ears and the attendant loss of balance.
Fantastic.
Now I get to sit around here for the next three days and vainly try to catch my lungs as I cough them up.
Fantastic.
Now I get to sit around here for the next three days and vainly try to catch my lungs as I cough them up.
8.2.07
Sick Sick Sick SICK SICK!
With the cold weather comes, as ever, horrific germs and viruses. I'm feeling like someone just gave me a syringe-full of WTF?
What's annoying me is that I have a high white blood cell count, right? And white blood cells are the things that fight disease, right?
So why aren't all those extra little defenders getting involved and kicking this thing's arse*?
*assuming, of course, that it has an arse to kick..
What's annoying me is that I have a high white blood cell count, right? And white blood cells are the things that fight disease, right?
So why aren't all those extra little defenders getting involved and kicking this thing's arse*?
*assuming, of course, that it has an arse to kick..
7.2.07
Ted Haggard "Completely Heterosexual"
The Rev Ted Haggard, he who resigned in disgrace as President of the National Association of Evangelicals and was forced out of his New Life Church last year after it emerged that he'd been sleeping with a male prostitute on-and-off for three years, has emerged after three - count 'em, three - weeks of therapy, a totally changed man, and totally heterosexual.
See, apparently, playing hide the salami with other men does not make one gay, and oral sex only makes one gay when it's the plural - cocks - that you're gobbling. If you ever got your freak on with only one man, it's called "acting-out situations where things took place" and not "a constant thing".
Praise Jesus.
I wonder what other things you can get away with if you're merely "acting-out situations"? I wonder what the various churches would say about the claim that banging a woman other than your wife does not make one an adulterer - merely that "things took place" - as long that as it's just that one woman?
I already know what Mrs Doombreed's position on that excuse would be, and it's not one that could be summed up with any phrase that might include the words "okay", "agree" or "fine".
Is it okay to not keep the sabbath holy, provided that your unholiness always takes place in the same strip club?
Can you disrespect your father or your mother, as long as it's always the same one and never both?
Can you covet your neighbour's oxen, his ass, his maidservant, his manservant, or even his wife, as long as it's always the same guy's stuff you're coveting? Or does it only work if you only covet one of his things, say, his wife, or his ass (or his wife's ass)?
And this guy, Haggard, and these guys who "cured" him, allegedly believe in a book that says, amongst so much else on the subject:
I don't see anything about "more than with one guy" in there..
Still, what's a little hypocrisy between a man and his God?
See, apparently, playing hide the salami with other men does not make one gay, and oral sex only makes one gay when it's the plural - cocks - that you're gobbling. If you ever got your freak on with only one man, it's called "acting-out situations where things took place" and not "a constant thing".
Praise Jesus.
I wonder what other things you can get away with if you're merely "acting-out situations"? I wonder what the various churches would say about the claim that banging a woman other than your wife does not make one an adulterer - merely that "things took place" - as long that as it's just that one woman?
I already know what Mrs Doombreed's position on that excuse would be, and it's not one that could be summed up with any phrase that might include the words "okay", "agree" or "fine".
Is it okay to not keep the sabbath holy, provided that your unholiness always takes place in the same strip club?
Can you disrespect your father or your mother, as long as it's always the same one and never both?
Can you covet your neighbour's oxen, his ass, his maidservant, his manservant, or even his wife, as long as it's always the same guy's stuff you're coveting? Or does it only work if you only covet one of his things, say, his wife, or his ass (or his wife's ass)?
And this guy, Haggard, and these guys who "cured" him, allegedly believe in a book that says, amongst so much else on the subject:
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (Lev.18:22)
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Lev.20:13)
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. Rom.1:26-27
I don't see anything about "more than with one guy" in there..
Still, what's a little hypocrisy between a man and his God?
6.2.07
It's Beginning To Look A Lot More Like Christmas
This is the sight that greeted me yesterday morning. Snow what fun..This is our new car, experiencing her first real taste of winter weather.
Are you ENVious?
This is cool. Lancashire-based Intelligent Energy are showing off their prototype hydrogen-powered motorcycles.The Emissions Neutral Vehicle (ENV - pronounced "envy") will do 50 mph and has a range of 100 miles. It's also, apparently, dead quiet.
The 'bike's engine produces only water as a byproduct. It's expected that by the time of release, the range and top speed with be extended.
The aimed-for release date is somewhere in mid 2007, and price could be anywhere between $6,000 and $8,000.
But that's for a totally non-polluting, utterly silent bike that looks that neat.
Mmmm..
5.2.07
Superbowl XLI
4th Quarter - do or die time.
The Bud "crab worship" ad kicked off the 4th. Great stuff.
Stat Attack - Colts' Marvin Harrison is the only player in NFL history with 8 straight seasons of 1,000+ receiving yards and 10+ TDs.
11.44 to go in the 4th. Colts' Kelvin Hayden intercepted and ran back for a TD. 29-17
Stat Attack:
That was the 10th interception for TD in Superbowl history, and this was Hayden's first ever TD.
Stat Attack:
No team in Superbowl history has ever come back from a 10pt+ deficit.
Stat Attack:
Thanks to another interception, this is Rex Grossman's 7th multi-interception game this season.
Stat Attack:
This is the first time in Superbowl history that an officiating team has included a pair of brothers.
We're at the 2 minute warning...
...and it's over.
Colts win 29-17.
This was a very enjoyable game, made all the better for having two such classy and dignified teams playing.
No posturing, no fighting, no cheating. Loved it.
And a special acknowledgement to Mrs Doombreed for producing a truly world-class Superbowl feast. Everything was outstanding.
And, apart from the Pro Bowl, that's American Football done for a few months.
Congratulations to the Colts, commiserations to the Bears.
The Bud "crab worship" ad kicked off the 4th. Great stuff.
Stat Attack - Colts' Marvin Harrison is the only player in NFL history with 8 straight seasons of 1,000+ receiving yards and 10+ TDs.
11.44 to go in the 4th. Colts' Kelvin Hayden intercepted and ran back for a TD. 29-17
Stat Attack:
That was the 10th interception for TD in Superbowl history, and this was Hayden's first ever TD.
Stat Attack:
No team in Superbowl history has ever come back from a 10pt+ deficit.
Stat Attack:
Thanks to another interception, this is Rex Grossman's 7th multi-interception game this season.
Stat Attack:
This is the first time in Superbowl history that an officiating team has included a pair of brothers.
We're at the 2 minute warning...
...and it's over.
Colts win 29-17.
This was a very enjoyable game, made all the better for having two such classy and dignified teams playing.
No posturing, no fighting, no cheating. Loved it.
And a special acknowledgement to Mrs Doombreed for producing a truly world-class Superbowl feast. Everything was outstanding.
And, apart from the Pro Bowl, that's American Football done for a few months.
Congratulations to the Colts, commiserations to the Bears.
4.2.07
Superbowl XLI
Stat Alert: Superbowl XLI 1st half miscues:
5 fumbles - all lost;
Manning interception on first possession;
Indianapolis failed PAT and missed field-goal;
Indianapolis allowed 92 yard kick-off return for TD.
The half-time show with Prince was totally pants.
2nd half:
7.21 left in the 3rd, and Vinatieri puts the Colts up 19-14.
Bud Light comes through again with the "Gorillas" spot. Funny.
But Taco Bell hits back with the "Lions" spot.
3.16 left in the 3rd and the Colts go ahead 22-14 on the boot of Adam Vinatieri.
Nationwide's "Kevin Federline" commercial, directly followed by Bud Light's "hitcher" commercial was almost too awesome for words.
1.14 left in the 3rd and Gould puts three more on the board for the Bears, bringing the game to 22-17.
End of 3rd quarter Colts up 22-17.
5 fumbles - all lost;
Manning interception on first possession;
Indianapolis failed PAT and missed field-goal;
Indianapolis allowed 92 yard kick-off return for TD.
The half-time show with Prince was totally pants.
2nd half:
7.21 left in the 3rd, and Vinatieri puts the Colts up 19-14.
Bud Light comes through again with the "Gorillas" spot. Funny.
But Taco Bell hits back with the "Lions" spot.
3.16 left in the 3rd and the Colts go ahead 22-14 on the boot of Adam Vinatieri.
Nationwide's "Kevin Federline" commercial, directly followed by Bud Light's "hitcher" commercial was almost too awesome for words.
1.14 left in the 3rd and Gould puts three more on the board for the Bears, bringing the game to 22-17.
End of 3rd quarter Colts up 22-17.
Superbowl XLI
2nd Quarter.
11.17 to go in the second and Adam Vinatieri slots home a neat field-goal to make it 14-9.
Bud steps up with a cutesy commercial involving a dog.
Incidently, to see the commercials, go to CBS.sportsline.com/superads.
6.09 to go in the 2nd and the Colts go ahead 16-14 thanks to a Rhodes rushing TD.
The Bud Light "slap" commercial is fantastic. Bud Light is winning this by a mile.
Stat Attack: Colts' Joseph Addai is the first rookie Running Back to start in a Superbowl since 1990.
At the end of the half, Vinatieri missed a field-goal, leaving it 16-14 Colts.
11.17 to go in the second and Adam Vinatieri slots home a neat field-goal to make it 14-9.
Bud steps up with a cutesy commercial involving a dog.
Incidently, to see the commercials, go to CBS.sportsline.com/superads.
6.09 to go in the 2nd and the Colts go ahead 16-14 thanks to a Rhodes rushing TD.
The Bud Light "slap" commercial is fantastic. Bud Light is winning this by a mile.
Stat Attack: Colts' Joseph Addai is the first rookie Running Back to start in a Superbowl since 1990.
At the end of the half, Vinatieri missed a field-goal, leaving it 16-14 Colts.
Superbowl XLI
Well, we're blogging live from the Superbowl.
Okay, from my couch, watching the Superbowl. I'm on my second beer and the Bears are up 7-0 thanks to an opening kickoff being run back. That's the first time in Superbowl history that an opening kickoff has been returned for a TD.
The ads so far are great, the pick being Blockbuster's petstore "clicking the mouse" spot.
Bud Light's "rock paper scissors" spot was pretty funny, too.
6.50 to go in the 1st and the Colts have pulled back to 7-6, thanks to a trademark Manning pass, and a muffed Point-After.
Ad update: Bud Light's "wedding auction" spot - hilarious.
And the Bears fumble the kickoff return, but the Colts are nice enough to give it right back to them.
4.34 to go in the 1st and the Bears score again, 14-6.
And Bud Light are 3 for 3 with Carlos Mencia in the "translation" spot.
End of the first quarter, Bears up by 8.
See you at the half.
Okay, from my couch, watching the Superbowl. I'm on my second beer and the Bears are up 7-0 thanks to an opening kickoff being run back. That's the first time in Superbowl history that an opening kickoff has been returned for a TD.
The ads so far are great, the pick being Blockbuster's petstore "clicking the mouse" spot.
Bud Light's "rock paper scissors" spot was pretty funny, too.
6.50 to go in the 1st and the Colts have pulled back to 7-6, thanks to a trademark Manning pass, and a muffed Point-After.
Ad update: Bud Light's "wedding auction" spot - hilarious.
And the Bears fumble the kickoff return, but the Colts are nice enough to give it right back to them.
4.34 to go in the 1st and the Bears score again, 14-6.
And Bud Light are 3 for 3 with Carlos Mencia in the "translation" spot.
End of the first quarter, Bears up by 8.
See you at the half.
It's Official
FHM.com has the world's greatest game involving a monkey and a football. By far.
My record is 4,444 monkey meters. Just try and beat it.
My record is 4,444 monkey meters. Just try and beat it.
3.2.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
We at Legal Alien are experiencing temporary technical difficulties with regard to Friday Rodent Blogging*. This week's FRB, therefore, consists of a cute baby picture.This is Selene, back when she was mostly just head, settling in to her new home.
*I've misplaced my camera. I know it's around here somewhere...
2.2.07
RIP FHM
Wow.. today I received the March 2007 issue of FHM US. The last of its kind. Yep, FHM US has now died. And, not that I knew this before, but FHM UK has already died the death.
The reason?
Who cares?
The replacement?
FHM.com
The real question?
What's going to happen to the remainder of the money that paid for my subscription until May of next year, guys?
The reason?
Who cares?
The replacement?
FHM.com
The real question?
What's going to happen to the remainder of the money that paid for my subscription until May of next year, guys?
31.1.07
News From The Land Of The Bizzarre
Whilst Maine residents form a naked bowling league, New Yorkers are going to be faced with the age-old question, "would you let a robot park your car?"
The city of Chicago tries to celebrate their Bears' visit to the Superbowl in a traditional way, a man in Ohio gets shot in a way not incompatible with the Naked Gun TV series and movies, and, also in Ohio, dinner at a Westerville high school was interrupted by a naked, greased student.
And a Wisconsin lawyer was arrested for drunk driving, whilst driving to the local police station to pick up a client arrested for - yes - drunk driving.
The city of Chicago tries to celebrate their Bears' visit to the Superbowl in a traditional way, a man in Ohio gets shot in a way not incompatible with the Naked Gun TV series and movies, and, also in Ohio, dinner at a Westerville high school was interrupted by a naked, greased student.
And a Wisconsin lawyer was arrested for drunk driving, whilst driving to the local police station to pick up a client arrested for - yes - drunk driving.
30.1.07
29.1.07
This is so wrong..
This is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for this. Badwrong. Or badong*.
Bad.
Wrong.
Hilarious.
NSFW
Hat tip to 3vil g3nius for this bad, wrong and hilarious link.
*there may be a small prize for anyone who can spot where this is from. And then again, maybe not.
Bad.
Wrong.
Hilarious.
NSFW
Hat tip to 3vil g3nius for this bad, wrong and hilarious link.
*there may be a small prize for anyone who can spot where this is from. And then again, maybe not.
28.1.07
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
We were finally caught by the big winter weather that's been messing with surrounding states for the last few weeks. Severe temperature drops, high icy cold winds, and snow.
Luverly.
Hot Fuzz
I just joined the Hot Fuzz team at their website. One of the "challenges" is to post the HF badge on your site, so there it is.
The Hitcher
Let me make an analogy, paint a picture with words, if you will.
Bohemian Rhapsody is a classic song. The lyrics, the tune, the changes, the sheer awesomeness. Now think of a karaoke version.
Are you there?
Good.
Well, The Hitcher is a karaoke movie, it's just that, instead of a drunk businessman warbling "Beelzebub has a devil for a sideboard," we get Sean Bean trying to meander his way through a a terrifically bad attempt at a scary movie.
Rutger Hauer. Rutger Hauer scared the shit out of me when I first saw the original.
Sean Bean? Not so much.
2007's Hitcher is a bad attempt at aping a great movie.
The girl is hot. Sophia Bush. The movie does have that going for it. But even she can't save this.
Shame.
The best bit about this movie were the previews. The makers of the incredibleness that is Shaun Of The Dead have a new movie coming out called Hot Fuzz. Simon Pegg (he of Spaced and Shaun Of The Dead fame) stars as a British bobby who is so good at everything that his boss transfers him to stop him showing up the rest of his constabulary. Sent to the quietest village in England, he uncovers, in a very comedic way, a massive murder conspiracy. Must see.
Doombreed rating: * *
Bohemian Rhapsody is a classic song. The lyrics, the tune, the changes, the sheer awesomeness. Now think of a karaoke version.
Are you there?
Good.
Well, The Hitcher is a karaoke movie, it's just that, instead of a drunk businessman warbling "Beelzebub has a devil for a sideboard," we get Sean Bean trying to meander his way through a a terrifically bad attempt at a scary movie.
Rutger Hauer. Rutger Hauer scared the shit out of me when I first saw the original.
Sean Bean? Not so much.
2007's Hitcher is a bad attempt at aping a great movie.
The girl is hot. Sophia Bush. The movie does have that going for it. But even she can't save this.
Shame.
The best bit about this movie were the previews. The makers of the incredibleness that is Shaun Of The Dead have a new movie coming out called Hot Fuzz. Simon Pegg (he of Spaced and Shaun Of The Dead fame) stars as a British bobby who is so good at everything that his boss transfers him to stop him showing up the rest of his constabulary. Sent to the quietest village in England, he uncovers, in a very comedic way, a massive murder conspiracy. Must see.
Doombreed rating: * *
26.1.07
E.A.C.
Via tain at AP comes a link to the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and, via the E.A.C., comes a link to George Carlin's website, and, via George Carlin's website, comes a link to a funny and insightful mp3 of Carlin talking about the Ten Commandments.
Clear? Good.
Clear? Good.
24.1.07
Hoax Email!
Here's another little fishing expedition fresh from my inbox. Enjoy.
Prospective Partner,
Good day to you and your's.
Let me first of all wish you and your family
well.
I am Engr.Rudolf Christians, a senior manager,
Ministry of Petroleum and Natural Resources (MPNR)
Lagos, who has been delegated by my colleagues to
seek the assistance of a reliable foreigner or
company into whose credit (bank account) we can
discreetly transfer a huge amount of money which
came as a result of over invoiced contracts awarded,
executed and commissioned under the past military
regime.
Our modalities for the remittance of the funds as
a contract payment has already been perfected.
The said funds arose from a deliberate
over-invoicing of contract bills for contracts, awarded by
the ministry of petroleum and natural resources
(MP&NR) during the administration of the former
military dictator late, General Sanni Abacha who
died on 7th June 1998. Since then the money has
been lying in the suspense account of Ministry of
Petroleum & Natural Resources with the Apex
government bank here.
However, the current favorable
political/Economical climate in the country now presents an
opportunity for this money to be Transferred out of this
country without any hitches as we hope and
believe it would be of mutual benefit to us all, if
only to have a financially secured future.
We have already set in motion the complete
machinery and modalities have been worked at the
highest level to enhance a successful commencement and
completion of this transaction, further actions
will be taken the moment we hear from you.
We have also agreed that after the transfer of
the money and confirmation in the account provided
by you (beneficiary account). You shall be
entitled to a reasonable amount as your cut out of the
total sum, which will be reached on agreement
between all parties involved.
Five percent (5%) is earmarked for reimbursement
on minor incidental expenses incured during
transactions of this nature and magnitude.
Conclusively, the nature of your business is not
particularly relevant for the success of this
transaction. All we require is your willingness to
co-operate and assist us, and also an assurance
that our share of the funds will be remitted to us
when the money credits your account.
Most importantly, we have taken all necessary
precautions to ensure a no risk situation on the
side of both parties as this transaction is expected
to be through within 7 to 10 working days.
However, if you are not interested, kindly
disregard the contents of this letter.
It is advisable to include your private Telephone
and Fax numbers when responding for easy and
effective communication.
The trust we have reposed on you at this point is
enormous and cannot be over-emphasized.
We await your prompt response to this proposal,
so that I can disclose further details of how we
intend to succeed this business together and
commence right away.
Sincerely your's,
Engr.Rudolf Christians.
23.1.07
Scrubs
Mrs Doombreed and I have recently gotten heavily into watching Scrubs.
Scrubs may well be the best sitcom since Blackadder, mainly thanks to three characters;
Dr Kelso is hilarious. The Janitor is brilliant. But Dr Cox is fantastic, laminated in incredible, surrounded by an impenetrable cloak of awesome.
This may have to be added to the list of seasons to collect.
Scrubs may well be the best sitcom since Blackadder, mainly thanks to three characters;
Dr Kelso is hilarious. The Janitor is brilliant. But Dr Cox is fantastic, laminated in incredible, surrounded by an impenetrable cloak of awesome.
This may have to be added to the list of seasons to collect.
22.1.07
Klingons In The White House
This may be the wierdest political speech in the history of the planet. Congreesman David Wu declared that there are "Klingons in the White House."
Really.
Klingons.
In the White House.
It didn't take long for The Daily Show to have some fun with this.
Really.
Klingons.
In the White House.
It didn't take long for The Daily Show to have some fun with this.
21.1.07
Colts - Bears Superbowl
Today's games gave, in my opinion, the best possible results. The Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts both won, booking their respective slots in Superbowl XLI.
Congratulations to both teams, but my emotions were with the Colts. An outstanding win against the Patriots, a team nobody thought they could beat. Peyton Manning finally shed the ridiculous notion that he couldn't play in the big games. The commentators, who had been involved in a seemingly league-wide circle-jerk over the Patriots were silenced in no uncertain terms.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Two weeks. Miami. Superbowl sunday. A game worth watching between two excellent teams.
Congratulations to both teams, but my emotions were with the Colts. An outstanding win against the Patriots, a team nobody thought they could beat. Peyton Manning finally shed the ridiculous notion that he couldn't play in the big games. The commentators, who had been involved in a seemingly league-wide circle-jerk over the Patriots were silenced in no uncertain terms.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Two weeks. Miami. Superbowl sunday. A game worth watching between two excellent teams.
And what are they for..?
At work today I encountered a business, listed out of Phoenix, AZ, called, believe it or not, "Arse Cosmetics".
Yep, Arse Cosmetics.
Don't believe me?
Reminds me of the time when I was walking through my local Walgreen's and spotted a product called "Aussie Nads".
Intrigued, I looked closer. Hair removal.
Which begs the question:
We knew Aussies are manly men, but are their 'nads really abrasive enough to remove hair?
Yep, Arse Cosmetics.
Don't believe me?
Reminds me of the time when I was walking through my local Walgreen's and spotted a product called "Aussie Nads".
Intrigued, I looked closer. Hair removal.
Which begs the question:
We knew Aussies are manly men, but are their 'nads really abrasive enough to remove hair?
19.1.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
Selene fearlessly rescues a stranded pumpkin seed from The Big Giant Hand.And then eats it.
18.1.07
Mea Culpa
Several times on this site I have stated that I, as a legal permanent resident of the US, am not allowed to own guns. I have always thought that is was quite right and proper because, after all, the intent behind the Constitutionally protected right to keep and bear arms is to provide for defence of the country, and it seems only sensible to protect that right only for citizens.
Well, it seems I might have been wrong.
One of the things I like to do is occasionally look at who is finding my blog and how. Today saw a visitor who found me by the simple tactic of typing "legal alien" into Google. Again, a habit of mine is to perform the same search to see just how far down the list I am.
Trust me, I'm miles down. I got to page 20 before giving up. This visitor must have slugged through a lot to wind up here.
Anyway, one of the pages I noticed was "US State and Federal Gun Laws For Non-Citizens", which contains the following passage:
Naah, I thought. The nice people at the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) told me I couldn't own guns, and they'd know, right? Besides, the above isn't too clear. I'm not a "non-immigrant alien" because I'm a permanent resident - I have a "green card".
So.. can I or can't I?
I could have searched Google for hours, turning up several websites that, by virtue of their age, are unreliable as a guide to modern law, or, by virtue of the language, are equally ambiguous.
Okay, I did that for about ten minutes before realising that the horse with the answer had a very obvious mouth.
Cue the nice ladies and gentlemen at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (known as the ATF), who have a very nice website with all the answers.
Under the FAQ section is a list of those prohibited from buying guns:
Notice number 5. If you're here illegally (I'm not) or are only visiting (I'm not), you can't get a gun.
Errrm..
Also, we have, under "what constitutes residency in a State?":
The "Item 5" (pdf file) mentioned, states that, in order for an alien to purchase weapons, they must:
So.. under Federal law, I can go buy a gun.
But what about Kentucky State law? Does that make a difference?
Er.. Nope.
Kentucky State law only differentiates between legal aliens and citizens, in relation to firearms laws, when it comes to obtaining a license to carry a concealed weapon. Citizens can, aliens can't:
Soo.. Anyone who was thinking of getting me a late Christmas gift..
Well, it seems I might have been wrong.
One of the things I like to do is occasionally look at who is finding my blog and how. Today saw a visitor who found me by the simple tactic of typing "legal alien" into Google. Again, a habit of mine is to perform the same search to see just how far down the list I am.
Trust me, I'm miles down. I got to page 20 before giving up. This visitor must have slugged through a lot to wind up here.
Anyway, one of the pages I noticed was "US State and Federal Gun Laws For Non-Citizens", which contains the following passage:
In general, non-immigrant aliens are forbidden to possess any firearms or ammunition. But there is a big exception for a legal alien who:
...is in possession of a hunting license or permit lawfully issued in the United States
(See Title 18, USC Chapter 44, Section 922, part (y)(2) for details.)
Green-card holders and immigrant aliens who do not yet have their green card are both okay under federal law, although many people (including gun dealers, law enforcement officers, etc.) are not aware of the distinction or the hunting license exception, and erroneously think that either you have a green card, or you can't have guns.
Naah, I thought. The nice people at the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) told me I couldn't own guns, and they'd know, right? Besides, the above isn't too clear. I'm not a "non-immigrant alien" because I'm a permanent resident - I have a "green card".
So.. can I or can't I?
I could have searched Google for hours, turning up several websites that, by virtue of their age, are unreliable as a guide to modern law, or, by virtue of the language, are equally ambiguous.
Okay, I did that for about ten minutes before realising that the horse with the answer had a very obvious mouth.
Cue the nice ladies and gentlemen at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (known as the ATF), who have a very nice website with all the answers.
Under the FAQ section is a list of those prohibited from buying guns:
(1) Has been convicted in any court of a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding 1 year;
(2) Is a fugitive from justice;
(3) Is an unlawful user of or addicted to any controlled substance;
(4) Has been adjudicated as a mental defective or has been committed to a mental institution;
(5) Is an alien illegally or unlawfully in the United States or an alien admitted to the United States under a non-immigrant visa;
(6) Has been discharged from the Armed Forces under dishonorable conditions;
(7) Having been a citizen of the United States, has renounced his or her citizenship;
(8) Is subject to a court order that restrains the person from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of such intimate partner; or
(9) Has been convicted of a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence
(10) Cannot lawfully receive, possess, ship, or transport a firearm.
Notice number 5. If you're here illegally (I'm not) or are only visiting (I'm not), you can't get a gun.
Errrm..
Also, we have, under "what constitutes residency in a State?":
The State of residence is the State in which an individual is present; the individual also must have an intention of making a home in that State. A member of the Armed Forces on active duty is a resident of the State in which his or her permanent duty station is located. If a member of the Armed Forces maintains a home in one State and the member’s permanent duty station is in a nearby State to which he or she commutes each day, then the member has two States of residence and may purchase a firearm in either the State where the duty station is located or the State where the home is maintained. An alien who is legally in the United States is considered to be a resident of a State only if the alien is residing in that State and has resided in that State continuously for a period of at least 90 days prior to the date of sale of the firearm. See also Item 5, “Sales to Aliens in the United States,” in the General Information section of this publication.
The "Item 5" (pdf file) mentioned, states that, in order for an alien to purchase weapons, they must:
1) Be 18 or older;
2) Show government-issued picture ID;
3) Complete a relevant form;
4) Comply with the Brady Law;
5) Be a resident of the State where the purchase is happening for more than 90 days, and be able to prove same;
6) Not be illegal or non-immigrant;
7) Not be disqualified for any other of the reasons listed above.
So.. under Federal law, I can go buy a gun.
But what about Kentucky State law? Does that make a difference?
Er.. Nope.
Kentucky State law only differentiates between legal aliens and citizens, in relation to firearms laws, when it comes to obtaining a license to carry a concealed weapon. Citizens can, aliens can't:
Under current law, legal resident aliens may freely acquire and possess firearms. They may bear them openly. They have the same rights to self-defense as any citizen.
Soo.. Anyone who was thinking of getting me a late Christmas gift..
17.1.07
Random rambling
I missed posting last night because the stupid computer ate the post I was nearly finished writing.
I'm wiped tonight, so I'll re-post it at some time in the future.
Today involved me baking an apple pie, and act which, were it not preceded by the use of a power tool, might have resulted in my man licence being revoked.
The new season of American Idol has started. I'm not watching. Honest.
And, to round things off, here is a linky to one of my favourite blogs, the LITTLE things, and 3vil g3nius' hilarious post about wierd domain names.
G'night.
I'm wiped tonight, so I'll re-post it at some time in the future.
Today involved me baking an apple pie, and act which, were it not preceded by the use of a power tool, might have resulted in my man licence being revoked.
The new season of American Idol has started. I'm not watching. Honest.
And, to round things off, here is a linky to one of my favourite blogs, the LITTLE things, and 3vil g3nius' hilarious post about wierd domain names.
G'night.
15.1.07
The United What?
Auntie reports on newly declassified documents that show that Britain and France considered a union in the 50's. That's right, apparently I came close to being born in the Anglo-French Union. And, apparently, the French came close to joining the British Commonwealth.
Wierd news, getting wierder.
Wierd news, getting wierder.
14.1.07
Divisional Weekend - Superbowl XLI
Well, my predictions were almost there. The Colts did, indeed, beat the Ravens in a tight game. The Saints did beat the Eagles, though it wasn't that one-sided. The Bears did put the Seahawks to rest. But the Doombreed Prediction failed to take into account both the Patriots' propensity towards cheating and the seemingly unerring ability of the refs to ignore this.
I mean, how bad does the refereeing have to be when a player can get hit in the face and called for it as though they were doing the hitting?
Well, the Conference Championships are next week. In the NFC, the Bears host the Saints, and the AFC has the Patriots going to see the Colts.
I'm pulling for the Colts and the Bears. In both matches, they are the better team, and both can win if they decide to. Both teams have home-field advantage. The Colts have trounced the Patriots twice in their own stadium, and the Colts defence has some new tricks to play. The Bears are just killing offensive lines left and right and, if Rex Grossman plays like he did today, they should dispatch the Saints, although it could get tight.
I mean, how bad does the refereeing have to be when a player can get hit in the face and called for it as though they were doing the hitting?
Well, the Conference Championships are next week. In the NFC, the Bears host the Saints, and the AFC has the Patriots going to see the Colts.
I'm pulling for the Colts and the Bears. In both matches, they are the better team, and both can win if they decide to. Both teams have home-field advantage. The Colts have trounced the Patriots twice in their own stadium, and the Colts defence has some new tricks to play. The Bears are just killing offensive lines left and right and, if Rex Grossman plays like he did today, they should dispatch the Saints, although it could get tight.
Nice Celebration, Nancy
There's this new celebration dance that I've noticed is catching on in the NFL.
Now, this is not to say it's new, just new to me.
Here's how it goes:
It's like gentle jogging, but instead of your feet hitting the ground alternately (left, right, left, right, left, right) they hit twice before alternating (left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right). Viewers of tonight's Ravens-Colts game may have seen one of the Ravens players (some big star whose name I didn't bother to memorise) doing it when he was introduced at the beginning of the game.
And it's not restricted to the Ravens. Over the last few weeks I've seen it done by players for the Eagles, Chargers, Saints and Patriots.
Still not getting it? Try it. Gentle jogging pace, with the feet going left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right.
Getting it? Getting into the rhythm?
Yeah, that's right, you're SKIPPING.
Like a schoolgirl in the playground.
Nice move, Mr Big Bad NFL Player, celebrating sacking the Quarterback by going hoppity-skip like a 6-year old called Penelope.
Sheesh. Where did all the testosterone go?
What's next? Pigtails?
BTW, kudos to the Colts, for beating the team nobody thought you could beat, and, more importantly, not skipping.
Now, this is not to say it's new, just new to me.
Here's how it goes:
It's like gentle jogging, but instead of your feet hitting the ground alternately (left, right, left, right, left, right) they hit twice before alternating (left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right). Viewers of tonight's Ravens-Colts game may have seen one of the Ravens players (some big star whose name I didn't bother to memorise) doing it when he was introduced at the beginning of the game.
And it's not restricted to the Ravens. Over the last few weeks I've seen it done by players for the Eagles, Chargers, Saints and Patriots.
Still not getting it? Try it. Gentle jogging pace, with the feet going left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right.
Getting it? Getting into the rhythm?
Yeah, that's right, you're SKIPPING.
Like a schoolgirl in the playground.
Nice move, Mr Big Bad NFL Player, celebrating sacking the Quarterback by going hoppity-skip like a 6-year old called Penelope.
Sheesh. Where did all the testosterone go?
What's next? Pigtails?
BTW, kudos to the Colts, for beating the team nobody thought you could beat, and, more importantly, not skipping.
12.1.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
"What? What? What do you want?"Selene spies the mad human with the flashing silver box out of the corner of her eye and freezes, hoping he'll go away..
11.1.07
An Answer To The Watchmaker
WhyWon'tGodHealAmputees.com has a reply to the century-old argument called "The Wacthmaker."
Now, this argument has been torn to shreds so often it's puzzling that many still rely on it, by WWGHA puts the counter-argument in a new and novel way:
You can read the rest of the article here.
Now, this argument has been torn to shreds so often it's puzzling that many still rely on it, by WWGHA puts the counter-argument in a new and novel way:
Today's "Intelligent Design" movement is based on an argument not unlike the one used by William Paley just before Darwin's day. Paley believed that if you found a watch in a forest, you would not assume it had formed there by itself. You would assume that it had been made ultimately by a "watchmaker."By extension then, the human body is like a watch. The human body is complex -- "irreducibly" complex according to the "Intelligent Design" movement. And so one might argue as Paley did that the human body could not have formed by itself. It had to have been made by an "Intelligent Designer."
If the Intelligent Designer actually exists, here is a thought experiment for us to ponder.
Let's imagine that you were to walk into a jewelry store and look at the different watches in the jeweler's case. One of the watches catches your eye because its design is so unusual. The jeweler walks over and you ask him to describe the watch. He begins to rattle off several of its more interesting features.
"Here's something you don't find on many watches," the jeweler says. "When you wind up this watch, it begins to stink!" He winds the watch, and it is just as he says -- a definite odor, very slight at first, begins to waft from the watch. The jeweler tells you that the smell can grow quite profound through the course of the day, to the point where the watch becomes most annoying. You must apply a special ointment called a "deodorant" to the watch every morning in order to mask the smell, and will also have to wash the watch every night to get the ointment and the smell off. If you let the watch go two or three days without washing it, it will smell so bad that you will not want to be in the same room with it.
[...]
You can read the rest of the article here.
Hoax email!
Last time I posted one of these, several people found my blog by searching for key phrases in the email. I like to think that at least one person saw this and thought, "Oh, it is a scam."
BTW, if you want to see over five hundred such emails, click here.
Here's the lastest fishing email to grace my inbox:
BTW, if you want to see over five hundred such emails, click here.
Here's the lastest fishing email to grace my inbox:
Hello,
I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health. This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. The message could be strange but it's real if you pay some attention to it. I want to notify you about it at least for the sake of your integrity.In a brief introduction, I am Peter Daniel , the Director of Operation with Cooperative Bank of Benin-Cotonou ,Republic of Benin. I have a very interesting transaction to discuss with you.The business under discussion has to do with George Stearns a national of your country, who is a Consultant/ contractor with Societe Nationale Des Products D' Agricole (SONAPRA) Company in Benin-Cotonou.I managed to get your contact details through the Internet search myself because time is of importance to it and I am desperately looking for someone to assist me to pull this money out from the bank before our corrupt government officials will confiscate the money.On Thursday, December 25, 2003, George Stearns , his wife and their only daughter were involved in Air-Crash near the Atlantic Ocean in Cotonou suburb. For more clarifications, you can visit the CNN web news for the tragedy.
http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/Since then I have made several inquiries to your Embassy, in a bid to locate any relation of George Stearns . All attempts to reach the next of kin of George Stearns has been futile as He had no family here in Benin Republic. Hence my decision to contact you. I want you and I to go into partnership, the nature of your business is completely irrelevant to this transaction as all I need from you is an assurance that my interest will be fully protected once this transaction is concluded.
George Stearns , made a numbered time (fixed) deposited for twelve calendar and his account with our Bank accrues to about (Four Million, Three hundred and Fifty- Two Thousand US Dollars) $USD4.352M.According to the Benin Law, at the expiration of (Three) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Benin government if nobody applies to claim the funds.
Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to George Stearns so that the fruits of this old man's labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials who will latter use the money to sponsor war in Africa and kill innocent citizens in the search for political power/seat.Please note that There will be no problem at all, my position as the Director of Operation guarantees the successful execution of this transaction within 7 Banking days and the money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 40% for you and 60% for me.This is very simple, I will like you to reply immediately so that I can send you the Text of application which you will fill and apply to the bank as the next of kin to George Stearns and I will use my good position in the bank as the Director of Operation to make sure that the application is approved, during board meeting for immediate payment.If you are interested, reply immediately, so that we can proceed at once.Please send to me also your private phone, or mobile numbers for easier correspondence or you can give me a call on 00229-97728650. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best Regards
Peter.
9.1.07
Fun, In A Way
Today saw another chapter in the ongoing saga of Doombreed's Experiences With The Medical World, namely "Our Hero Gets Knackered".
I was referred by my doctor for what was, I believe, an echocardiogram. Or electrocardiogram. Or cardiac stress test. Or maybe it was something else. Whatever.
My chest was strategically shaved, covered in electrodes and prodded with an ultrasound probe. After several images were taken of what I was told was my heart (which actually looked more like some sort of epileptic alien living in my chest) came the "stress" portion of the test.
Cue The Treadmill Of Death.
The Treadmill Of Death was obviously designed by someone who was upset at missing out on the Spanish Inquisition. The Treadmill Of Death lulls one into a false sense of security by starting out nice and gentle. But, if one is foolish enough to avoid reaching the required heart rate (160 bpm) within a few minutes, The Treadmill Of Death speeds up and tilts, so one is working faster against an incline. Heart rate remaining foolishly low? Wait a few minutes and it'll tilt and speed up again. Still not there? It just got more painful.
Add to this that the heart rate monitor is positioned so that the victim can see it, and thus be mentally tortured at just how slowly their heart rate is increasing, and you've got a device that could extract state secrets from anyone.
And then.. and then.. 158.. 159.. 160.. we must be stopping soon, right?
WRONG!
See, the images of the heart have to be taken at or above 160, and they can't be done on The Treadmill Of Death, so you have to allow time for the victim to get from The Treadmill Of Death to the bed, get into position (on one's side, bottom arm above the head), and take all the scans before the heart rate drops below 160.
"We'll go to 170" said the nurse.
We? I don't see you up here on this infernal machine.
168.. 169.. 170.. Now can I stop?
Naaw.. I'm relatively young, my heart rate will come down fast, so "we" were shooting for 177.
175.. 176.. 177.. And finally, I can stagger over to the bed and get prodded again.
And then, I'm done.
Okay, apart from The Treadmill Of Death, it wasn't too bad. The doctor and nurse were very nice, very funny, and made me feel very relaxed.
I get the results later this week.
Fun, in a way.
I was referred by my doctor for what was, I believe, an echocardiogram. Or electrocardiogram. Or cardiac stress test. Or maybe it was something else. Whatever.
My chest was strategically shaved, covered in electrodes and prodded with an ultrasound probe. After several images were taken of what I was told was my heart (which actually looked more like some sort of epileptic alien living in my chest) came the "stress" portion of the test.
Cue The Treadmill Of Death.
The Treadmill Of Death was obviously designed by someone who was upset at missing out on the Spanish Inquisition. The Treadmill Of Death lulls one into a false sense of security by starting out nice and gentle. But, if one is foolish enough to avoid reaching the required heart rate (160 bpm) within a few minutes, The Treadmill Of Death speeds up and tilts, so one is working faster against an incline. Heart rate remaining foolishly low? Wait a few minutes and it'll tilt and speed up again. Still not there? It just got more painful.
Add to this that the heart rate monitor is positioned so that the victim can see it, and thus be mentally tortured at just how slowly their heart rate is increasing, and you've got a device that could extract state secrets from anyone.
And then.. and then.. 158.. 159.. 160.. we must be stopping soon, right?
WRONG!
See, the images of the heart have to be taken at or above 160, and they can't be done on The Treadmill Of Death, so you have to allow time for the victim to get from The Treadmill Of Death to the bed, get into position (on one's side, bottom arm above the head), and take all the scans before the heart rate drops below 160.
"We'll go to 170" said the nurse.
We? I don't see you up here on this infernal machine.
168.. 169.. 170.. Now can I stop?
Naaw.. I'm relatively young, my heart rate will come down fast, so "we" were shooting for 177.
175.. 176.. 177.. And finally, I can stagger over to the bed and get prodded again.
And then, I'm done.
Okay, apart from The Treadmill Of Death, it wasn't too bad. The doctor and nurse were very nice, very funny, and made me feel very relaxed.
I get the results later this week.
Fun, in a way.
Great..
..so now I can't put milk in my tea?
Well, no big problem, seeing as getting a decent cuppa over here is like finding an NFL commentator who doesn't have verbal diarrhea.
Well, no big problem, seeing as getting a decent cuppa over here is like finding an NFL commentator who doesn't have verbal diarrhea.
7.1.07
Wildcard Weekend - Superbowl XLI
This weekend was Wildcard Weekend, being the first week of the Playoffs. All four wild card teams lost, so there will, unfortunately, be no repeat of Superbowl XL, where the Pittsburgh Steelers came, saw and conquered after qualifying as a no-hoper.
The Jets fell to the Bastards - sorry, Patriots - by 37-16. The thrice-damned Eagles took out the Giants, 20-23, mostly by being every bit as vicious and unsportsmanlike as the Bastards - sorry, Patriots. The Colts whomped on the poor Chiefs, much to the annoyance of the commentators, beating them 23-8. And the Seahawks, aided and abetted by some very dodgy refereeing calls, beat the Cowboys 21-20.
Next saturday sees the Colts going to Baltimore to see the Ravens and the Eagles going to New Orleans to play the Saints.
The Doombreed Predictions here are the Colts beating the Ravens in a very tight game, and the Saints beating seven flavours of holy shit out of the Eagles in a game laugably one-sided.
Sunday has the Seahawks - without their 12th man - going to Chicago to meet the Bears, and the Bastards - I'm not even correcting myself anymore - going to San Diego to go up against the Chargers.
The Doombreed Predictions here have the Seahawks going nowhere against Brian Urlacher and a few of his closest, biggest, ballsiest friends. This is a game that the Bears offense will win if they have the will. The Bastards will, quite simply, get their various clocks cleaned by a Chargers team that just doesn't put up with that kind of crap.
Maybe that last one was less of a prediction and more of a bright, shining hope. Still, cold assessment has to give the game to the team that's fielding the league's MVP.
The Jets fell to the Bastards - sorry, Patriots - by 37-16. The thrice-damned Eagles took out the Giants, 20-23, mostly by being every bit as vicious and unsportsmanlike as the Bastards - sorry, Patriots. The Colts whomped on the poor Chiefs, much to the annoyance of the commentators, beating them 23-8. And the Seahawks, aided and abetted by some very dodgy refereeing calls, beat the Cowboys 21-20.
Next saturday sees the Colts going to Baltimore to see the Ravens and the Eagles going to New Orleans to play the Saints.
The Doombreed Predictions here are the Colts beating the Ravens in a very tight game, and the Saints beating seven flavours of holy shit out of the Eagles in a game laugably one-sided.
Sunday has the Seahawks - without their 12th man - going to Chicago to meet the Bears, and the Bastards - I'm not even correcting myself anymore - going to San Diego to go up against the Chargers.
The Doombreed Predictions here have the Seahawks going nowhere against Brian Urlacher and a few of his closest, biggest, ballsiest friends. This is a game that the Bears offense will win if they have the will. The Bastards will, quite simply, get their various clocks cleaned by a Chargers team that just doesn't put up with that kind of crap.
Maybe that last one was less of a prediction and more of a bright, shining hope. Still, cold assessment has to give the game to the team that's fielding the league's MVP.
Wow... Didn't Know That
Auntie Beeb reports on an organisation called "Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch" which, amongst other things, compiles lists of those extra-retarded product warning labels. Listeners of a Detroit radio show voted, and dumb warning of the year goes to a washing machine with the warning "HIGH SPIN SPEEDS: DO NOT put any person in this washer".
Who knew?
Who knew?
6.1.07
Friday Rodent Blogging
Selene has started work on her new car. Presumably she's trying to turn it into a convertible or something.
4.1.07
Evangelicals urge museum to hide man's ancestors
Some seven months ago I wrote a piece called "The Real Creationist Agenda", discussing a quote I'd found in a news report.
Well, here, from The Telegraph, via Pinecone at AP, is a story that illustrates the point all too well:
Evidence be damned. Letting people have their own opinions be damned. It's about pushing people around until they cave and all bow to the same myth you do.
There are the battle lines. Pick your side.
If you don't get why it's so ominous, read it again carefully, and think on this:
Can a person who feels this way accept anything less than total victory? Could this person be happy with "teaching the controversy"? Would he be content with a brief aside in science class about how some won't accept evolution as fact? How about "opposing viewpoints"? A section of the syllabus dealing with creationism as an idea?
What about, when you get right down to it, "equal time"? Is this person, who openly admits that he rejects all evidence that doesn't fit with his religion, going to be happy with his religion being presented as equal to evolution?
In a word, no.
Well, here, from The Telegraph, via Pinecone at AP, is a story that illustrates the point all too well:
Powerful evangelical churches are pressing Kenya's national museum to sideline its world-famous collection of hominid bones pointing to man's evolution from ape to human.Leaders of the country's six-million-strong Pentecostal congregation want Dr Richard Leakey's ground-breaking finds relegated to a back room instead of being given their usual prime billing.
The collection includes the most complete skeleton yet found of Homo erectus, the 1.7 million-year-old Turkana Boy unearthed by Dr Leakey's team in 1984 at Nariokotome, near Lake Turkana in northern Kenya.The museum also holds bones from several specimens of Australopithecus anamensis, believed to be the first hominid to walk upright, four million years ago. Together the artefacts amount to the clearest record yet discovered of the origins of Homo sapiens.
[...]As part of an ongoing expansion funded by the EU, the National Museums of Kenya, which manages the country's cultural sites, is conducting a survey to determine what visitors to its Nairobi headquarters most want to see.
Church leaders aim to hijack that process. "The Christian community here is very uncomfortable that Leakey and his group want their theories presented as fact," said Bishop Bonifes Adoyo, the head of Christ is the Answer Ministries, the largest Pentecostal church in Kenya.
"Our doctrine is not that we evolved from apes, and we have grave concerns that the museum wants to enhance the prominence of something presented as fact which is just one theory."
Bishop Adoyo said all the country's churches would unite to force the museum to change its focus when it reopens after 18 months of renovations in June next year.
"We will write to them, we will call them, we will make sure our people know about this and we will see what we can do to make our voice known," he said.
Evidence be damned. Letting people have their own opinions be damned. It's about pushing people around until they cave and all bow to the same myth you do.
"But things can get tricky when you have religious beliefs on one side, and intellectuals, scientists or researchers on the other, saying the opposite."
There are the battle lines. Pick your side.
3.1.07
A Summary Of My 2006 Emails
Via Hippy at AP comes this interesting piece to send to all of those people who send out those nutty emails:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
PS. A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!!!!!
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
PS. A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!!!!!
2.1.07
Go Goatcam!
Remember Goatcam? Well, this year the Gavle Goat survived!
The Goat is being stored in a secret location to be used again this Christmas.
Goatcam 1, Arsonists 0.
Legal Alien will be watching to see if the arsonists will even the score.
The Goat is being stored in a secret location to be used again this Christmas.
Goatcam 1, Arsonists 0.
Legal Alien will be watching to see if the arsonists will even the score.
1.1.07
Happy 2007 everyone
Well, today is New Years Day, so happy New Year to everyone. Here's hoping that 2007 is a good year for all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
2006 - A Year In Doombreed's View
The year is coming to an end, and we're watching the results of what might be the strangest decision of 2006, that FOX's New Year's Eve Live celebration programme live from New York's Times Square is being presented by hellishly annoying cheeky chirpy chippie Cat Deeley.
Still, that's par for the course as the end of this wacky year. This year has mostly been one long series of ups and downs.
2006 saw the release of the Nintendo Wii, which may be the strangest named console in the history of gaming. The Steelers won a fifth Superbowl, and Italy added their fourth FIFA World Cup. The Republicans lost control of the Federal government, not to mention much at State and local level. Iraq went from bad to worse, with the Bush administration having to mangle the language with ever increasing ingenuity in order to avoid describing the civil war as a civil war. We had tensions going up, civility going down. A large inhabited island disappeared under the sea faster than a melting ice cap, but global warming is still a liberal fantasy. The War On Christmas advanced not a jot because nobody is actually waging a war on Christmas. The War On Good Science And Education swept along with alacrity, though. Pope Benedict the whatever managed to piss off all of the moslems at once with a single speech.
We saw the Godfather Of Soul take his final bow, and the next day, President Gerald Ford passed away. Closer to home, we mourned the loss of our beloved Imo this year. Saddam Hussein was executed. Alan "Fluff" Freeman, Desert Orchid and Steve Irwin will be entertaining us no more.
This year was good and bad, up and down, so, without any further ado, here are the Legal Alien Awards (2006):
2006's Most Annoying Sports Moment
England. Germany 2006. Fuck.
This was tied with the Bengals losing to the Steelers just today on a botched field-goal attempt, ending the season with a loss and destroying any play-off hopes.
2006's Dumbest Decision By A Sports Team
The Dallas Cowboys this year hired two players. Mike Vanderjagt and Terrell "T.O." Owens.
Mike Vanderjagt is a kicker. He kicks the ball. That's his job. So good is he that he leads the NFL, and not just this season, that's all-time. That means that, in the history of the NFL, nobody has ever been better at kicking the ball than Mike Vanderjagt.
T.O., on the other hand, is a receiver. He catches the ball. That's his job. So bad is he that he leads the NFL in dropping passes. That means that, this season, nobody has been worse at catching the ball than T.O.
So, the Dallas Cowboys fire Vanderjagt and keep Owens.
The World's Dumbest Political Statement
US President George W. Bush, declaring that the opinions of 300 million US citizens - all of which are his bosses - are irrelevant by saying "I'll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog."
The Politician Most In Need Of A Good Cock-Punching
Tony Blair - or "that grinning twat" as he's affectionately known by the British public - announced he's going, and that couldn't be better news. I really hate that man.
The 2006 Movie That Should Not Have Been Made
The Wicker Man. Soo bad.
The Most Awesome Movie In 2006
A tie between V for Vendetta and Snakes On A Plane.
The Most Awesome Line From Any Movie In 2006
"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
2006's Most Utterly Hilarious Lame Link
The Evolution Of Dance.
Formerly Great TV Show Of Which I Did Not Watch A Single 2006 Episode
E.R.
Outstanding TV Show Which Just Got Better In 2006
Dr Who.
Annoying Television Trend Of 2006
The unbelievably annoying new game show habit of waiting unnecessarily long periods of time between the contestant providing an answer and finding out of that answer is correct. I realise these pauses are supposed to be tension-building, but they make me want to throw a chair through my telly. Stop it. Stop it right now.
Person Whom I Saw Way Too Much Of In 2006 And Would Appreciate Seeing Absolutely Nothing Of In 2007
Paris Hilton
Still, that's par for the course as the end of this wacky year. This year has mostly been one long series of ups and downs.
2006 saw the release of the Nintendo Wii, which may be the strangest named console in the history of gaming. The Steelers won a fifth Superbowl, and Italy added their fourth FIFA World Cup. The Republicans lost control of the Federal government, not to mention much at State and local level. Iraq went from bad to worse, with the Bush administration having to mangle the language with ever increasing ingenuity in order to avoid describing the civil war as a civil war. We had tensions going up, civility going down. A large inhabited island disappeared under the sea faster than a melting ice cap, but global warming is still a liberal fantasy. The War On Christmas advanced not a jot because nobody is actually waging a war on Christmas. The War On Good Science And Education swept along with alacrity, though. Pope Benedict the whatever managed to piss off all of the moslems at once with a single speech.
We saw the Godfather Of Soul take his final bow, and the next day, President Gerald Ford passed away. Closer to home, we mourned the loss of our beloved Imo this year. Saddam Hussein was executed. Alan "Fluff" Freeman, Desert Orchid and Steve Irwin will be entertaining us no more.
This year was good and bad, up and down, so, without any further ado, here are the Legal Alien Awards (2006):
2006's Most Annoying Sports Moment
England. Germany 2006. Fuck.
This was tied with the Bengals losing to the Steelers just today on a botched field-goal attempt, ending the season with a loss and destroying any play-off hopes.
2006's Dumbest Decision By A Sports Team
The Dallas Cowboys this year hired two players. Mike Vanderjagt and Terrell "T.O." Owens.
Mike Vanderjagt is a kicker. He kicks the ball. That's his job. So good is he that he leads the NFL, and not just this season, that's all-time. That means that, in the history of the NFL, nobody has ever been better at kicking the ball than Mike Vanderjagt.
T.O., on the other hand, is a receiver. He catches the ball. That's his job. So bad is he that he leads the NFL in dropping passes. That means that, this season, nobody has been worse at catching the ball than T.O.
So, the Dallas Cowboys fire Vanderjagt and keep Owens.
The World's Dumbest Political Statement
US President George W. Bush, declaring that the opinions of 300 million US citizens - all of which are his bosses - are irrelevant by saying "I'll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog."
The Politician Most In Need Of A Good Cock-Punching
Tony Blair - or "that grinning twat" as he's affectionately known by the British public - announced he's going, and that couldn't be better news. I really hate that man.
The 2006 Movie That Should Not Have Been Made
The Wicker Man. Soo bad.
The Most Awesome Movie In 2006
A tie between V for Vendetta and Snakes On A Plane.
The Most Awesome Line From Any Movie In 2006
"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
2006's Most Utterly Hilarious Lame Link
The Evolution Of Dance.
Formerly Great TV Show Of Which I Did Not Watch A Single 2006 Episode
E.R.
Outstanding TV Show Which Just Got Better In 2006
Dr Who.
Annoying Television Trend Of 2006
The unbelievably annoying new game show habit of waiting unnecessarily long periods of time between the contestant providing an answer and finding out of that answer is correct. I realise these pauses are supposed to be tension-building, but they make me want to throw a chair through my telly. Stop it. Stop it right now.
Person Whom I Saw Way Too Much Of In 2006 And Would Appreciate Seeing Absolutely Nothing Of In 2007
Paris Hilton
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