Via Hippy at AP comes this interesting piece to send to all of those people who send out those nutty emails:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
PS. A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label 2006. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2006. Show all posts
1.1.07
Happy 2007 everyone
Well, today is New Years Day, so happy New Year to everyone. Here's hoping that 2007 is a good year for all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
2006 - A Year In Doombreed's View
The year is coming to an end, and we're watching the results of what might be the strangest decision of 2006, that FOX's New Year's Eve Live celebration programme live from New York's Times Square is being presented by hellishly annoying cheeky chirpy chippie Cat Deeley.
Still, that's par for the course as the end of this wacky year. This year has mostly been one long series of ups and downs.
2006 saw the release of the Nintendo Wii, which may be the strangest named console in the history of gaming. The Steelers won a fifth Superbowl, and Italy added their fourth FIFA World Cup. The Republicans lost control of the Federal government, not to mention much at State and local level. Iraq went from bad to worse, with the Bush administration having to mangle the language with ever increasing ingenuity in order to avoid describing the civil war as a civil war. We had tensions going up, civility going down. A large inhabited island disappeared under the sea faster than a melting ice cap, but global warming is still a liberal fantasy. The War On Christmas advanced not a jot because nobody is actually waging a war on Christmas. The War On Good Science And Education swept along with alacrity, though. Pope Benedict the whatever managed to piss off all of the moslems at once with a single speech.
We saw the Godfather Of Soul take his final bow, and the next day, President Gerald Ford passed away. Closer to home, we mourned the loss of our beloved Imo this year. Saddam Hussein was executed. Alan "Fluff" Freeman, Desert Orchid and Steve Irwin will be entertaining us no more.
This year was good and bad, up and down, so, without any further ado, here are the Legal Alien Awards (2006):
2006's Most Annoying Sports Moment
England. Germany 2006. Fuck.
This was tied with the Bengals losing to the Steelers just today on a botched field-goal attempt, ending the season with a loss and destroying any play-off hopes.
2006's Dumbest Decision By A Sports Team
The Dallas Cowboys this year hired two players. Mike Vanderjagt and Terrell "T.O." Owens.
Mike Vanderjagt is a kicker. He kicks the ball. That's his job. So good is he that he leads the NFL, and not just this season, that's all-time. That means that, in the history of the NFL, nobody has ever been better at kicking the ball than Mike Vanderjagt.
T.O., on the other hand, is a receiver. He catches the ball. That's his job. So bad is he that he leads the NFL in dropping passes. That means that, this season, nobody has been worse at catching the ball than T.O.
So, the Dallas Cowboys fire Vanderjagt and keep Owens.
The World's Dumbest Political Statement
US President George W. Bush, declaring that the opinions of 300 million US citizens - all of which are his bosses - are irrelevant by saying "I'll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog."
The Politician Most In Need Of A Good Cock-Punching
Tony Blair - or "that grinning twat" as he's affectionately known by the British public - announced he's going, and that couldn't be better news. I really hate that man.
The 2006 Movie That Should Not Have Been Made
The Wicker Man. Soo bad.
The Most Awesome Movie In 2006
A tie between V for Vendetta and Snakes On A Plane.
The Most Awesome Line From Any Movie In 2006
"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
2006's Most Utterly Hilarious Lame Link
The Evolution Of Dance.
Formerly Great TV Show Of Which I Did Not Watch A Single 2006 Episode
E.R.
Outstanding TV Show Which Just Got Better In 2006
Dr Who.
Annoying Television Trend Of 2006
The unbelievably annoying new game show habit of waiting unnecessarily long periods of time between the contestant providing an answer and finding out of that answer is correct. I realise these pauses are supposed to be tension-building, but they make me want to throw a chair through my telly. Stop it. Stop it right now.
Person Whom I Saw Way Too Much Of In 2006 And Would Appreciate Seeing Absolutely Nothing Of In 2007
Paris Hilton
Still, that's par for the course as the end of this wacky year. This year has mostly been one long series of ups and downs.
2006 saw the release of the Nintendo Wii, which may be the strangest named console in the history of gaming. The Steelers won a fifth Superbowl, and Italy added their fourth FIFA World Cup. The Republicans lost control of the Federal government, not to mention much at State and local level. Iraq went from bad to worse, with the Bush administration having to mangle the language with ever increasing ingenuity in order to avoid describing the civil war as a civil war. We had tensions going up, civility going down. A large inhabited island disappeared under the sea faster than a melting ice cap, but global warming is still a liberal fantasy. The War On Christmas advanced not a jot because nobody is actually waging a war on Christmas. The War On Good Science And Education swept along with alacrity, though. Pope Benedict the whatever managed to piss off all of the moslems at once with a single speech.
We saw the Godfather Of Soul take his final bow, and the next day, President Gerald Ford passed away. Closer to home, we mourned the loss of our beloved Imo this year. Saddam Hussein was executed. Alan "Fluff" Freeman, Desert Orchid and Steve Irwin will be entertaining us no more.
This year was good and bad, up and down, so, without any further ado, here are the Legal Alien Awards (2006):
2006's Most Annoying Sports Moment
England. Germany 2006. Fuck.
This was tied with the Bengals losing to the Steelers just today on a botched field-goal attempt, ending the season with a loss and destroying any play-off hopes.
2006's Dumbest Decision By A Sports Team
The Dallas Cowboys this year hired two players. Mike Vanderjagt and Terrell "T.O." Owens.
Mike Vanderjagt is a kicker. He kicks the ball. That's his job. So good is he that he leads the NFL, and not just this season, that's all-time. That means that, in the history of the NFL, nobody has ever been better at kicking the ball than Mike Vanderjagt.
T.O., on the other hand, is a receiver. He catches the ball. That's his job. So bad is he that he leads the NFL in dropping passes. That means that, this season, nobody has been worse at catching the ball than T.O.
So, the Dallas Cowboys fire Vanderjagt and keep Owens.
The World's Dumbest Political Statement
US President George W. Bush, declaring that the opinions of 300 million US citizens - all of which are his bosses - are irrelevant by saying "I'll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog."
The Politician Most In Need Of A Good Cock-Punching
Tony Blair - or "that grinning twat" as he's affectionately known by the British public - announced he's going, and that couldn't be better news. I really hate that man.
The 2006 Movie That Should Not Have Been Made
The Wicker Man. Soo bad.
The Most Awesome Movie In 2006
A tie between V for Vendetta and Snakes On A Plane.
The Most Awesome Line From Any Movie In 2006
"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
2006's Most Utterly Hilarious Lame Link
The Evolution Of Dance.
Formerly Great TV Show Of Which I Did Not Watch A Single 2006 Episode
E.R.
Outstanding TV Show Which Just Got Better In 2006
Dr Who.
Annoying Television Trend Of 2006
The unbelievably annoying new game show habit of waiting unnecessarily long periods of time between the contestant providing an answer and finding out of that answer is correct. I realise these pauses are supposed to be tension-building, but they make me want to throw a chair through my telly. Stop it. Stop it right now.
Person Whom I Saw Way Too Much Of In 2006 And Would Appreciate Seeing Absolutely Nothing Of In 2007
Paris Hilton
31.12.05
Happy New Year
To my friends, my family, my devoted reader (that would be my wife), and to Imo, evil though he is,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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