Atheist World Non-Prayer Network

It's getting late, I'm tried, and so I decided to subject you to more juvenile humour.

This was originally posted on AP as a response to one of our members informing us that his mother was gravely ill. For those of us with a sense of humour, such topics are often phrased as requesting that we - the other atheist members - continue to avoid prayer as a means of helping the patient.

Some thought this response too flippant, too disrespectful, but the member at which it was aimed thought it was hilarious and, I hope, gave him a bright spot in an otherwise dark time.

Enjoy.

Doom.


Atheist World Non-Prayer Network


Welcome to the Atheist World Non-Prayer Network, where atheists around the world stand ready to not-pray for you and your every need.

We at the AWNPN will spring into action and immediately commence not-praying for anything you wish, and unlike our would-be rival, the Christian Rejoicing And Praying Network (CRAPnet), we won't judge you or your requests. We're just as happy not-praying for world peace as we are to not-pray that you find a clap-free whore to spend the night with. We'll not-pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series just has hard as we'll not-pray that those red spots around your penis go away.

So advanced is our service that we don't even have to tell our members what to not-pray for. That's right, unlike CRAPnet, who has to send out emails to their members - our network will instantly begin not-praying the moment you decide what you want.

Research even shows that our members are already not-praying for you and your needs. In fact, studies from several major universities show that AWNPN members even manage to not-pray for things you haven't thought of yet, for needs that have not yet arisen, and for things that you didn't even know you needed!

This is because atheists spend their time not-praying about everything. That's right, we will, and do, not-pray for absolutely everything in the world. Right now, atheists all over the world are not-praying for the victory of every sports team. We're not-praying for the health and wisdom of all politicians in every country around the world. We're not-praying for the success of every movie, every Broadway play, every book, TV show, scientific, business, educational, and - yes - even religious venture. But there's more. We're also not-praying for the failure of every single one of those things. And we're not-praying for their continued mediocrity!

The true power of AWNPN lies in our uninterruptable service. Our members are not-praying all day, every day. Our members are even not-praying whilst they sleep! CRAPnet cannot say that.

Sure, CRAPnet may have the numbers, but we're constant, full on, 24/7, not-praying just as hard as we can.

And here's where we go from brilliance to genius. It's not just our members that are not-praying for you. Scientific studies show that people who are dead also spend their entire time not-praying. That means that every single person that has ever lived is right now not-praying for you! And for everybody else!

And that's not all!

Reliable scientific evidence shows that people who have not yet been born spend each and every day not-praying.

Did I say CRAPnet has the numbers? Oh, we have the numbers. We have every person who has ever lived, and every person yet to be born, for now and forever more and each and every one of them is not-praying all day, every day!

And our service has a guaranteed 100% success rate! We at AWNPN have spent our lives not-praying for every single thing that happens every single day!

So come join us, and we'll not-pray for you!

In fact, we already are not-praying for you!

Hallelujah!